Oh, they told me

 

I'm having glasses of boxed Cabernet Sauvignon from Walmart and a bag of boiled peanuts for dinner. 

It is a superb culinary  experience. 

5/5 Stars! Highly Recommend. 

The before dinner Weed really cleansed my taste buds, and I'm sitting outside listening to Audra Mae sing me promises. 

"Oh, they tell of a home," she sings, "where no storm clouds rise."

Yeah, they've told me too. 

They told me to believe in Heaven, where everyone I've ever loved, will welcome me when I die, and that includes dogs, I was led to believe, in that lovely land of unclouded days. 

I've been told lots of things that no longer hold the meanings they once did. 

In Seminary they told me all sorts of crazy things that I just laugh at the silliness of it. 

In Preaching class, Dr. Alan Graves told us to keep our socks pulled all of the way up when we're sitting on the stage, waiting to take the pulpit, lest a woman in the congregation be tempted by my exposed ankle, and lust right there in the middle of the service. 

I didn't believe it then, and  now I'm an unbeliever of many things I learned during my very "Clouded" days of Seminary. 

Over the years, I've slowly and, painfully, whittled down everything they told me into the few things I believe. 

I believe I'm going to miss it when it's over. 

Even with all of this cancer and these struggles, it's still most the most wonderful thing being here at all.

Life's a gift each of us receives yet none of us asked for, a gift of grace, however it happened, and it's been, and still is, the most wonderful present I could possibly imagine. 

I believe I know love when I see it.

Like life, love's also a gift none of us asked for, yet everyone got, at least in various degrees, but in my life, I've been blessed with a lot. 

It touches me every single day as Sarah takes care of everything, so I can focus on enjoying life. It's an oppressive, tireless and overwhelming job she does day after day to make "me" possible. 

There's not much I can do to lighten her load, and meet her needs like she meets mine, but I see what love looks like and, it's empirical evidence. 

So Sarah is the personification of love, exhaustively moving forward, every single day, and I struggle to accept that this is Heaven on earth. 

I believe, having learned through very hard experiences, some which almost killed me, that everything comes to an end. 

Good times we wished would last forever don't. Bad times don't either. All things must pass. 

Everyone we ever loved dies. 

Yet, I believe that love never dies. 

It's something they told me a long time ago. 

Faith, hope and love abide, these three but the greatest is love. 

And love never fails. 

I see that now. 

Every day that I'm still here. 

I still believe in love. 

I don't know what that means after I die, but I see Sarah live it every day and I do my best to give it back. 

Love keeps me alive. 

I believe in Angels, primarily because I know so many. 

They don't look or act like Angels, at least not like we've been told, because they're just like you and me, doing holy and righteous things as we can, little embodiments of love in real time, making my life easier and stoking my love. 

I see Angles climbing up and down Jacob's ladder on an every day basis, so I believe. 

And I believe there's always a "next", because if life has taught me anything, it's that as things naturally come to an end, there always seems to be something completely unexpected that happens next. 

That's my life experience!

Failed marriages and terrible relations made it possible for what came next, an incredible wonder of an Angel Woman, our Love child and more love than I could have ever imagined! 

It came next.

Not first.  

I believe there's always a next. 

Sarah brought me these boiled peanuts as a surprise gift, and as far as I'm concerned they're the Body of Christ, chased down with Communion wine, and if I were going to tell you anything, I'd tell you the things that I believe.

___________________________

Having the celebration of my life now! 

Be part at https://gofund.me/ffda4f4b

Thank you!

Living and Dying in Real Time

 

"DA!" I hear her call in the predawn darkness. 

One of the great things about being an old man with this much cancer is, I'm usually awake at times like this. 

Moving as quickly as I can, which takes forever, from the sofa to her room, moving like some kind of ninja super hero, I'm sitting beside her on the bed before she calls again. 

"Good Morning," I whisper. 

"Daddy, I had a bad dream," she cries, hugging me tight. 

"It's okay," I say, hugging her back. 

Che catches her breath, lays back on the pillow and looks at me. 

"What was it?" I ask her. 

"I dreamed you were gone," she answers, large tears welling in her big blue eyes. 

"Oh pa-leeze," I grin, tickling, hugging and kissing her, "I'm right here.

And then everything's fine. 

Che rushes to hug Lainey, plays with the foster puppy,  desperately needs Sarah to get dressed for school, all the while dancing, singing and smiling. 

And that's how the day begins. 

"Dad, remember that dream I had," she says, holding my hand, walking home after school."

"Yeah."

"I thought about that at lunch today."

"Oh yeah?" I answer, truly shocked. 

"Yeah," she says, looking at me smiling. "That's all."

It's hard to not get caught up in these precious moments but, Holy Christ!, that would be the death of me.

So I don't get caught up in them.  

I get high instead. 

The rest of the day's spent having fun, waiting on Sarah to get home from work. 

When she does, we walk to the Mexican dinner around the corner, and then stroll to Leopold's for ice cream. 

It's a perfect family time, save for the Mexican restaurant completely botching Sarah's dinner. 

Today, Che's obsessed with how much time I'm spending writing "The Story of my Life", that I'm leaving for her after I'm gone. 

I'm not even finished with it but the kid watches me writing, coloring, pasting as I write and she's knows it's for her and, she can't wait. 

"You're killing me," I tell Che twenty times a day. 

She laughs. 

I appreciate the irony.  

Over the years, many friends have shared Tim McCraw's song "Live like you're dying," which is a challenge to make it a way of life. 

It is at our house.  

____________________________

Having the celebration of my life now! Be a part of it at https://gofund.me/ffda4f4b

Such is Life

 

Che learned that Archie, one of the foster puppies we've helped care for, died.

This is the third death she's dealt with since we began fostering puppies seven months ago.  

Raven, the first, devastated Che. Touching the stiff deceased body, she asked Sarah, "Is Dad going to be like this?" 

The screensaver on Che's phone is a picture of Raven, Che still talks about her now.

The second was Terra who was euthanized after giving birth to eight puppies, before succumbing to heart worms. Che was there as it was happening and FaceTimed me, sobbing and only saying, "Daddy," repeatedly before she has to hang up. 

Afterwards, Che's thrown herself into caring for Terra's puppies. 

Che was playing with a friend when Sarah told her about Archie, one of Terra's liter. The room grows silent and still and quiet tears run down Che's cheeks. 

That's all. 

Quiet tears. 

Her friend immediately hugs Che and, after a few minutes, they're able to resume playing and be kids having a good time. 

Such is life. 

"For life and death are one," says Kalil Gibran, "even as the river and sea are one."

Che's learning that. 

____________________________

Having the celebration of my life now! You can be a part too at

https://gofund.me/ffda4f4b

My Celebration of Life: Monthly Report 1

 

Most days, but certainly not all, I can do most anything for a couple of hours, if I get high enough. 

My celebrations of life are calculated and planned, but retain a spontaneous element because I have a history of last minute cancelations when I'm just not up to it that day. 

All the stars align and Sarah takes us to lunch at Longhorns, an old favorite of ours, because recently I'd mentioned I'd like to go back one more time. 

"Do they have fries?" Che asks, on the way. 

"Really good ones," we assure her. 

I can't remember the last time I've eaten a steak and I'm excited. Sarah gets French Onion Soup and a salad. 

"Is this the last time I'll ever have a food orgasim in my mouth?" I blurt out, biting down on Flo's Filet and a baked potato smothered in whipped butter. 

After our feast, Sarah drives us to the Mall and takes Che clothes shopping. She's in that crazy age between little girl and growing-up-too-damn-fast and has outgrown a lot of her clothes. 

They delight in choosing the latest fashions, making two trips to the Dressing Rooms. I'm asked my opinion of several selections as Che tries on everything. 

She is beyond excited!

Sarah somehow negotiates a 20% discount on everything so we're laughing as leave. 

To celebrate, Che and I ride purple animals around, darting around people, laughing and having much fun together. Sarah sits, laughing and taking photos while guarding Che's new wardrobe in the bags lying at her feet. 

Che gets on a high-jump trampoline that catapults her skyward,  towards glass ceilings above. Sarah and I take pictures, applauding and yelling words of encouragement. 

Then it's on to "Build a Bear" where she selects a Bunny to create, opting to record Sarah and me wishing her a good night as the voices of the newly named "Cinnamon."

"I love you Clare!" Sarah passionately says. 

"Daddy loves you Che-Bay," I softly add. 

On the way home, she listens to Cinnamon tell her again and again. 

"Dad, I wish you would have talked louder."

"Yeah," I wistfully sigh, "I wish I could."

Once home, Che tries on her new clothes and announces what she's wearing at Dress Down Day at school on Friday. 

A short while later, we're huddled on the sofa together, watching "American Idol" which we haven't seen in a decade, but we're in rapture together doing so. 

And that's a day in my celebration of life now, rather than later. 

I'm very humbled and grateful it's kicked off like it has, and hope for many great reports like this one in the future.

Right up till the end. 

____________________________

Having the celebration of my life now! Be part at https://gofund.me/ffda4f4b

Real Life Lessons for Later

 

Fostering puppies has brought so much love, energy and purpose that it's definitely enhanced our quality of life. 

Helping daughter Laurel's Dog Rescue efforts, I met Terra, found pregnant, abandoned, tied to a post with a chain around her neck and plucked from the euthanasia list at the last second. Eight weeks later she gives birth to 8 puppies, 7 who survive. 

Sensing things, Terra sits beside me on the sofa, bonding it seems, over unseen things. 

Sarah and Che return to help feed the puppies and I'm not up to joining them. 

During their visit they learn Terra has heart worms, is already in heart arrest and will continuing suffering. 

Sarah and Che take Terra to the Clinic so she won't be alone at the end and is surrounded by love.  

"Real life lessons in real time, that will come in handy later", Sarah and I text each other. 

Hours later, my phone buzzes. Che's FaceTiming. 

"Daddy," she sobs, "Daddy." 

Unable to contain my own emotions anymore, I also burst into tears.

"It's okay Che-bay," I sob back. "It's okay."

"Daddy," she wipes tears. 

"It's okay," I cry. 

They finally arrive home. 

Today, we're back fostering Terra's puppies, anxious to carry her life forward, celebrating as we go, as best we can. 

____________________________

Having the celebration of my life now! 

Be part it https://gofund.me/ffda4f4b

Thank you!

Our Anniversary

 

As we celebrate 13 years of marriage, it's fun to remember the beginning of us. Sarah wrote this. Not me. This is how we began.   

_____________________ 

Twenty-six years ago you hired me to protect you. 

I entered the bank looking lobby and found a seat, waiting to meet The Reverend. I tried googling him, but this was before information was everywhere. I knew though that he was a large southern African American minister that was vibrant and a visionary. I was very excited to meet him.

As I waited a skinny, deeply tanned, pony tailed man dressed in granimals...(defined as khaki pants and a white or blue shirt)...walked by and said hello. I smiled and said hello back as he darted past. He looked professional, but a little disheveled. I thought he was a maintenance worker or maybe drove the van to drop off people.

Five minutes later I entered the office of the minister only to see this skinny white man standing by a computer. It all made sense now, he was the tech guy.

Turning around a white Styrofoam cup was next to his lips and I hid my grimacing as he spat his chewing tobacco into the cup. 

Who does that, I thought.

"Nice to meet you Sarah," said the minister as I caught his blue eyes checking me out in my purple pants suit. Oh boy, he was that type of tech guy. Great!

Saving the awkward moment another lady came in. "Oh, I see you have already meet Micheal Elliott?" she said.

"Um...well...yes!" I said. 

I grabbed the chair and used the moment to sit down and focus.

This was The Reverend Micheal Elliott. Oh boy.

He sat down, propped his sockless feet up on the table and spat in the Styrofoam cup again. Thank God he had on shoes!

"So, Sarah..." he said in his southern drawl...

"How much do you weigh?"  That's an illegal question to ask.

"I see you did an internship with the Buffalo Bills. Do you like football?" It's ok, a little too slow moving for my taste.

"What are your favorite colors?" Black and red.

"Really, and you don't like football?" Not really.

"Is your hair naturally blond?" Another illegal question, but no.

"Why do you what this job?" I need to make money. But, really I want to help others. 

"Do you drink?" That is illegal to ask that question.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" You know I'm a gypsy and could probably predict this. 

"How would you describe yourself?" What you see is not all you get. Honest, aggressive, always get the job done right. I am northern girl. 

"What do you like to do in your spare time?" Read, travel, pole dance, cook and run.

"Where is your favorite place to be?" At the beach. I have always wanted to live near the beach. 

"Cats or dogs?" Yes

"What is the last book you read?" The Bible

"Do you know who Frederick Buechner is?" Of course, just read Wishful Thinking

"What kind of music do you like?" Anything but rap, depends on my mood.

"You like country music?" I just said I like anything but rap. That is not rap, is it?

"Why should I hire you?" You can't live without me. Why should I work for you?

He swung his feet off the table, spat into his cup, and leaned closer to me. "Because Sarah, one day you and I will be unemployed because we have worked ourselves out of this job," he said as tears pooled in the corners of his eyes. "We will have ended homelessness in Savannah and replicated this program across the United States. And we will celebrate big!"

This southern boy lost his drawl as he fired random questions at me. And I fired answers right back. 

It didn't really matter what the questions were, but he needed someone that could keep up with him.

The next day he hired me to be his administrative assistant. 

My second day of work he took me out to lunch and informed me that he fired everyone else before me. "Don't spell his name wrong," his wife at the time chimed in. "It's two l's and to t's." Don't..." And she went on and on and on. I tuned her out.

Later that day I saw him approaching my office wearing way too short red running shorts and a bandanna. "Employee fitness time," he beamed. "Either you run with me or you pay me $10." I laughed and said, "Can't show my boss up during my first month here."

He laughed and then sat on my desk. His itty bitty shorts were bothersome and I saw parts of my boss I never wanted to see. But at least he wasn't chewing tobacco and spitting.

"Sarah, what I need is someone to protect me. Protect my time. Everyone wants to meet with me, everyone needs me for something, everyone swears they are my best friend. You are the keeper of all that now. In one sense we are a lot like a husband and a wife. You tell me where to be and when and make sure I am there prepared."

I nodded. Please take your stuff off my desk I thought. 

He bounced up off the desk and I shook my head in surprise and distaste and said, "Oh God!"

He chuckled and bounced away.

Everyone in Savannah tried to drop the old family names to me to get to see him, but they were all the same to me. I watched his time. Learned what his mood was for the day by what music he played in the morning. Listened to what he didn't say. Made distractions when he needed to get away from people. Scheduled empty time to protect his sanity. Said no often to others when they needed him. Told him the truth always. And never spelled his name wrong.

I know I surprised him in many ways. 

He knew when he messed up. Often his apologies came with him dumping bags of chocolate on my desk before saying "sorry." 

We made a great team for a year. 

When I knew I was moving back to New York, I knew telling him would be the hardest thing. I rehearsed the most beautiful speech, full of admiration and thankfulness, but when it came time to tell him I couldn't find the words and just read my resignation letter to him. 

"Damn you!" was all he said to me for the next 48 hours.

My last day they gave me a "Damn you!" party. We took one last stroll down the hallway..."Sarah, if you ever want to come back, the door is always open. Always!" he said as tears ran down his face. I nodded my head. There were no words. 

It was a long time before I took him up on his offer. 

But coming back was different and things in our lives both fell apart. And one day we both found ourselves sitting alone in the midst of hurt and alone. And we began deepening our friendship and discovering mutual respect and passions, and found a new door opened for us. 

And we didn't wait to pass through it. 

And our journey has been the thrill of a world I never believed existed.

_______________

I'm dying as happily as I can, but I think I can to better. 

See how by clicking the link this link 

https://gofund.me/ffda4f4b

Thank you!