When I decided to throw caution to the wind and make a major investment in myself after three decades of investing in most everybody else I set a timeline. I was with Conner in St. Martin and we talked about it sitting on the patio of his studio then decided that when fall rolled around it would be time for me to do stuff again.
My whole life had become this series of deadlines so I was used to them. The work I did required juggling multiple deadlines while also managing hundreds of employees and a thousand people needing services all at the same time. Every day was deadlines with major obstacles in front of meeting them.
Then fall came I realized that I wasn’t ready so I set another deadline. My days were filled with writing, reflecting, healing and learning to move without it being at break neck pace. Obstacles got in the way of this too as a company in Atlanta called wanting to me to help them do things better. So I did but the major emphasis remained on me.
Then there were these commitments to the Street Medicine movement, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and several people across the country who wanted my help on this or that. Then it was New Year’s and I learned that it is not a good idea to be out of the country with an expired passport.
I happily did these things and they provided income to finance this investment in myself, I mostly took Goddess for long meandering walks, doubled the amount of time that I spend sitting at the Breakfast Club Counter, attended most every Bored meeting, studied the marsh from Shirley’s sad little holy dock and watch Fran rise from the dead every day in her thousand shades of green.
Then sometime in mid-January it came in the middle of the night when I would lie awake staring out of the six windows I can see through from my bed. Staring at the silhouettes of Palm Trees with the moon shining on them, I was suddenly restless.
“What are you doing?” I’d ask myself in the dark and I’d lay there for a while pondering it all till I rolled over and told myself “Ssshhhuuu!” and fall back asleep.
But it became a nightly visitor.
So yesterday was bit of a shock! It was like old times. At 7:30 in the morning I was firing emails as through out of a machine gun. I was working the phones by 9:00 and had scheduled calls at noon and at 2:00 with employment opportunities to consider. Goddess didn’t get her walk.
Then Rebekah showed and we worked into the night until a friend showed telling us to break it up. So we did and I relaxed for first time all day. I hadn’t done that in months.
Yesterday my friend Guy Salyes wrote a blog titled “Instead of worry” where he says that “fear is faith’s adversary.” I’ve always loved Guy though he is the one responsible for me going to Seminary and I think I’ve forgiven him but am not sure. He’s the best writer I know and his words yesterday stuck to me like peanut butter.
Over the past several months I’ve witnessed something that I knew intellectually but not personally. Tybee Island is place of haves who live along side have-nots. The rich co-exist with the poor in tight quarters. They often drink together, sleep together, and pretend that they don’t know one another in certain situations.
I’ve had time to focus on both sets of friends and realized something at a much deeper level than ever before. My waitress friends struggle on a day to day basis just to survive here. They pay their bills in cash, grab fun the moment it presents itself because they know it won’t last and are always searching for a cheaper place to live. They have no idea how long it will last other than …today.
My other friends worry too but about different things. Wives who won’t get out bed because of depression, sons who are addicts, daughters who are victims, and …a deep thirst to chase fun like waitresses. They are burdened by what they do and long for a day other than the one they have.
Then, as ministers are prone to do, Guy quotes Jesus. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? . . . Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today”
I haven’t thought about these words in a long time. Perhaps since Seminary! But they resonated yesterday and Jesus was raised from the dead like Fran.
And I think that Jesus would be closer to the waitresses.
The sun is shining on the beloved back deck and Goddess snores at my feet. I’m supposed to go to Wall Mart which is 15 a minute drive off the island but it may as well be San Francisco.
Fran is dancing in the leaves laughing at me. “Don’t do it Mike,” I hear her say. “You gave yourself away yesterday. Today is for you.”
Then this rustle of wind shakes the thousand shades of green. And I have to go now. Fran is asking me to dance.
