Sarah and Che are the joys of my life!
It took Sarah and I so long to come together and we're learning to enjoy each precious moment together.
Che came out of our love and daily gives me wonder.
It was so crazy and unpredictable resolute to overcome every possible obstacle to live this life and I don't want to stop being part.
At the same time, I have gnawing questions born of the cancer residing inside while amazingly continuing (so far anyway) to heal.
Because of the cancer and surgery, death is forever lurking in front of me, and I wonder how much longer I have to deeply love my joys?
I constantly remember my days are numbered.
Dying doesn't bother me.
It's just part of living.
But I don't want to hang around longer than I'd want, becoming a burden to anyone and I fear it'll be me hospitalized for weeks, making Sarah and those who love me endure the agony of caring for me until the end. Worse yet, I'm the one not quite ready for Hospice because it's not evident I'm dying so I remain home for others to care for me.
I'd like to sit down after a good laugh with family and die ... so is that an option?
But Shit!
That'll be horrible for Sarah and the girls.
Is there a way around this?
I don't like thinking these things but now they hit unexpectedly even as I celebrate with Sarah and the girls.
The Doctor's have calculated a life expectancy for us with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and it's not a long time.
It's my dilemma
I'm in no hurry to leave what I've got but when the time comes I'd like to set these conditions but ... I have no control of that.
"Have you cried?" I was asked by a dear old friend.
"It's funny," I answer, "I really haven't but Sarah, who never cries, has. I think I'm taking that energy and using it up for those I love."
"That has to be difficult," he sighs.
"Sarah has it much harder than me. I'll be dead. She'll be left to deal with my aftermath. Who knows when that'll be but the question hangs low in our days."
"I kissed all the girls at school today," Che explains living up to revolutionary heritage, "but not the boys."
Sarah and I laugh, catching the other's eyes, locking and sharing a smile over the love we hold.
The rest of the world stops and it is just Sarah and me.
Everything heaped on top of every living ... online education for the girls, what's for dinner?, Sarah's demanding job, Che playing with her dolls ... evaporate for a second and in all the world ... it's just us.
It's a moment fully living and completely loving each other.
Cassidy exclaims "No" towards her computer screen ... Sarah's phone rings ... Che drops the doll ... love goes on.
I'm in no hurry to leave.
