I was standing between Johnny O and David R on the Pier at Tybee Island where I live. It was a beautiful day and we were there to raise money for our friend Jenny Orr who was sponsoring the “Best Buns on the Beach” competition. Jenny is a successful business woman who operates “Fannie’s-on-the-Beach” and “Marlyn Monroes”.
(We stop this blog for a brief announcement. Chuck Courtenay, musical extraordinaire will be performing at Marlyn’s on Sunday around 3:00. It is the must attend event on Tybee this weekend!! Now … back to our regularly scheduled blog.)
Jenny was raising money for Diabetes so we were all volunteering. At the time I was President of Union Mission and spent all of my time raising millions of dollars for its work. But Jenny can be quite convincing so there I was between Johnny O and David R wearing a black thong underneath my Preacher’s robe.
A huge crowd had gathered to watch us perform and then choose who had the best buns on the beach. Music was playing, drinks were being purchased and the crowd was growing festive. The idea was that we would dance and the crowd would stuff dollars into our costumes and whoever raised the most had the best buns.
“Don’t worry boys,” Jenny said standing beside us, “this is gonna be great.”
.
We were not so convinced. Well, David was. But that was because Jenny, being the astute business woman that she is, had a cooler full of cold Crown Royal on one side of the waiting area and another of beer on the other. It was free to those of us donating our time and David was on his second cooler of Crown.
Then it was time. Johnny O was first to perform. For those of you who have never met Johnny O, think of Mr. Rogers with glasses. Think of Mr. Rogers with glasses high on pot … with the sweater. That’s as close as I can paint a visual picture.
So Johnny O walks to the stage, drops his pants, is wearing “whitey tighties” and just stands there as some crazy computer gibberish plays. It was awful. I took a shallow of David’s Crown Royal and he kissed me right on the mouth. I’ve never had another drink of Crown Royal since.
I think Johnny O raised $1.23 for the cause.
Then it was my turn. I confidently strolled to the stage in my black Preacher’s robe with Dusty Springfield singing “Son of a Preacher Man” in the background. Putting my hands in the praying position I stood there a moment as the crowd bowed their heads. Then as Alice Cooper blasted “School’s Out”, I ribbed the robe open and danced in my black thong.
I was great! Thousands of dollars were thrust into my thong including quarters that had been frozen. I had the best buns but those quarters … well … they prevented me from advancing in other categories.
Then it was David’s turn.
Now David is big man with a shaved head and a goatee. He’s a Tybee legend! He was also full of Crown Royal. Dispensing with any kind of set up, he stripped to a pair Lady’s leopard skin thong panties and danced amazingly. With one hand on top of his head, with his eyes closed, he stood on a picnic table and gyrated to “What’s love got to do with it?” People swarmed him sticking twenties into his thong. Some had to throw up first but it was for a good cause and we all love Jenny so they kept at it.
Then it happened.
I was standing between Johnny O and Jenny, robe back on, watching David’s incredible performance when one of his testicles fell out. Johnny, Jenny and I all covered our mouths at the same time.
“Hmmmm,” Jenny said. “You don’t see that every day.”
I threw up little.
Now David has a devoted wife who loves him dearly. David was oblivious to what had happened and continued gyrating with his eyes closed feeling the love of the crowd. So she rushes up to the picnic table, takes one finger and pokes it back into the leopard skin thong panties. Then she retreats back into the crowd proud of her husband who was obviously going to have the best buns on the beach. People were writing checks and leaving their credit cards.
“Hmmmmm,” I said to Johnny O and Jenny when she ran up and poked it back in, “you don’t see that every day.”
A couple of years later Jenny had to stop sponsoring the wildly successful “Best Buns on the Beach” competition. It got out of hand.
But that first one … Wow!
Never have I witnessed the love of a wife to her husband like that.
