Watch out now ,Take care
Beware of thoughts that linger
Winding up inside your head
The hopelessness around you
in the dead of the night
Beware of sadness
So says the major prophet George Harrison. Sitting beside the window of the Gallery Espresso at 8:30 in the morning I stare out at the cold morning with a steaming cup of coffee in front of me. I'm here for a meeting but he is late so I have time ... to think and stare.
A few years before I left Union Mission, I knew it was time for me to do something else. Professionally I'd already accomplished everything there was to do there. So I'd bring it up to the Board of Directors and they would tell me lies.
"You can't go! You're too important. We need you."
As a people pleaser with degrees in both social work and Divinity, I kept them happy while continuing my march to the cross. Of course I had no idea I was walking into my own crucifixion. I was keeping people happy.
A bunch of stuff happened at the same time. People I relied on left. Co-workers I trusted betrayed. Things started going horribly wrong at work. My marriage fell apart. The Board of Directors changed their minds about me. I was mad at myself for not listening to myself and leaving when I wanted.
Those last months there, I could no longer bear to walk into the office. Like Jesus falling in the dirt because of the burden of the cross he was carrying, I collapsed.
Instead of going to the office I would take my laptop and cellphone to the Gallery Espresso, drink coffee and stare out of the window. I'd take phone calls and reply to e-mail but my heart broke and my spirit flew away. I was just going through the motions.
Today, as the coffee grew cold and bundled people walked their dogs through Chippewa Square, I touched all of these feelings again. I walked through the room called remember. I had my I-phone and no longer needed a lap top. It kept buzzing and I'd read and not know what to say so ... I said little.
Twenty minutes later it was obvious the person I was meeting was a no-show.
I cussed. This was business. We all need more business.
Walking through the cold back to where I'd parked, the I-phone buzzed and it was Sarah. We talked until I sat behind the wheel, out of the wind and began the drive back home. I couldn't wait to get there ... where it's warm. It's a sanctuary where love abounds, little girls make messes, dogs get in trouble with the law, friends are close by and my kids randomly wander in and out (most often over the world wide web).
I've lit another fire outside as I sit typing this. Goddess lays under my dangling bare feet in the kitchen. Winston, the little gay dog, has stolen her treat and barks any time she looks his way. Sarah will be home in an hour or so.
I stare at the fire.
Today is a warning single.
Watch out now, take care
Beware of thoughts that linger
Winding up inside your head ...
I'm happy to be home.
And I get back to work.
