It was actually four years ago.
I knew it was time.
Nobody else knew but I did.
The life that I was living had run out.
The smell of my work place exhausted me. I'd show up feeling happy and chipper only to smell that smell and the heavy weight of the world suddenly fell on my shoulders. A weary depression took root and I grew to hate it.But I was scared to make a move. On the surface everything was great! I was constantly told how I needed I am; that things would be worse if I left; Hell, they begged me to stay.
But I'd come home and the house just reeked of sadness. It had become a mausoleum of the past. There was little about the past that made me happy. Those times had come and they were gone yet I held on to them because I didn't know what else to grasp.
I needed the money. I wanted people to want me. Everything inside of me was changing which fostered this incredible, inexplicable, need to keep everything the same. I was scared to move.
Looking back on it now, I orchestrated things so they happened without me having to do much. I got others to pull the triggers then I was the one who rode the bullets.
I don't have many regrets in life but I should have been the one pulling every damn trigger.
Fast forward to now.
I'm living with my love, doing what I love and loving where I live!
It doesn't pay as well but that's alright. We'll figure the money out later. Life isn't about money. It's about love ... who loves you and who you love ... and where you love.
I'm blessed with lots of friends. Most of them seem to be in places that I've been.
Some have pulled triggers and are changing everything about their lives before their lives run out.
Others are too damn scared and are holding on to whatever it is they have because they'll settle for safety rather than love.
Leaps of faith are funny things.
You know but you doubt at the same time.
It's a shame when the doubt wins out.
Because jumping without a net lands you straight in the arms of love.
And, it you believe like I believe, and like St. John believed way before me, God is love.
