"How are you?" Leah, my former "LIVE STRONG" instructor, asks, taking a break from pushing Saylor, her 3 year old in the stroller.
The truth is I'm higher than a kite and her question brings me to the realization I've walked way farther than I meant.
I can't tell her that.
"Can I have one?" Saylor asks, saving me with her giggling as I unwrap a green Jolly Rancher with my teeth with one hand while the other holds Lainey's leash.
"Oh course you can," I answer, handing her a red one, completely bypassing asking Leah.
"May I pet your dog?" my new friend asks, and as she does so it comes to me that Lainey must have dragged me this far.
"Well how are you?" Leah repeats with a concerned smile.
I don't know what to say.
I'm here.
I still in awe of being here!
We're still making plans for our future but it's Sarah doing the work!
Che suddenly has 4 boyfriends and her mother and I personally observed one doting all over her while painting and another gives her elaborate love notes!
Maddie's engaged! Laurel's moving to another state! Cassidy has emerging clues! Chelsea's giving us a new grandchild!
All this means that when I'm lucid and mobile, about 1/2 the month, I 'm delighting in the incredible joy all of this brings!
The rest of the month I resemble a washed up, over drugged, Zombie trying to convince myself I'm doing alright.
I gauge how I'm really doing by Sarah's reactions to me.
Whenever she tells me to leave her alone because she's behind in work, school and has to do something for all 4 girls at the same time which, of course, she accomplishes while still speaking to me, then I know I'm doing okay.
She can look the other way for a second.
The days I know what's going on in my wife's life is when I'm doing pretty good!
Most of the time it's a struggle to remain engaged, which I eventually comprehend by the look of concern in Sarah's loving, analytical, calculating most lovely aqua-blue-green eyes.
That seems like too much to say to answer the still hanging question.
I'm tired anyway and Lainey has to drag me home or I'll have to call my wife and interrupt her, again.
"I'm good," I smile.
Honestly I have no idea how good I really am.
I can't do as many things this month as I could last month and it's driving me crazy because Che and I have established lots of games that bring us joy and we're missing them.
Just a month ago I was playing them just fine but I just can't right now.
Sarah's eyes are perpetually filled with concern and calculations.
Lainey drags me home where I smoke a bowl, collapse on the sofa and lose myself in music streaming through earbuds.
~ I wrote this a couple of weeks ago but didn't finish it because I didn't have it in me.
Now I've just finished smoking a bowl, laying on the sofa, streaming music through ear buds while the girls sleep because it's 1:59 in the morning.
I'm navigating the treacherous waters of this month's Chemo side effects and, as I'm learning how my body will work this month, still struggling to answer Leah's question.
How am I?
I'm okay.
Obviously I could be better but I think I'm doing alright.
I delight in the crazy chaos of a life not going as planned!
But boy is it going!
Hold on, I have a text.
It's from daughter Laurel who's celebrating her birthday which is just another reason to continue the never ending party that is her life!
She wants me to come hang out with her at 4:42 am.
I don't know how other people who have cancer live with it but this is how I do it.
Laurel informs me she's going to bed.
I light some candles, peek at Sarah sleeping, then at Che, then Lainey crawls under the blanket with me on the sofa.
Most of the time it's a struggle to remain engaged, which I eventually comprehend by the look of concern in Sarah's loving, analytical, calculating most lovely aqua-blue-green eyes.
That seems like too much to say to answer the still hanging question.
I'm tired anyway and Lainey has to drag me home or I'll have to call my wife and interrupt her, again.
"I'm good," I smile.
Honestly I have no idea how good I really am.
I can't do as many things this month as I could last month and it's driving me crazy because Che and I have established lots of games that bring us joy and we're missing them.
Just a month ago I was playing them just fine but I just can't right now.
Sarah's eyes are perpetually filled with concern and calculations.
Lainey drags me home where I smoke a bowl, collapse on the sofa and lose myself in music streaming through earbuds.
~ I wrote this a couple of weeks ago but didn't finish it because I didn't have it in me.
Now I've just finished smoking a bowl, laying on the sofa, streaming music through ear buds while the girls sleep because it's 1:59 in the morning.
I'm navigating the treacherous waters of this month's Chemo side effects and, as I'm learning how my body will work this month, still struggling to answer Leah's question.
How am I?
I'm okay.
Obviously I could be better but I think I'm doing alright.
I delight in the crazy chaos of a life not going as planned!
But boy is it going!
Hold on, I have a text.
It's from daughter Laurel who's celebrating her birthday which is just another reason to continue the never ending party that is her life!
She wants me to come hang out with her at 4:42 am.
I don't know how other people who have cancer live with it but this is how I do it.
Laurel informs me she's going to bed.
I light some candles, peek at Sarah sleeping, then at Che, then Lainey crawls under the blanket with me on the sofa.
