The other day I take Che, our two-year-old daughter, to the Library.Two little girls sit at a table playing dress up with dolls.
Che studies them for a moment, intently sucking her pacifier, sits at another table alone and begins playing with cars.
"This is the Princes' table," one of the little girls says to Che. "Only Princes' can sit here. You're sitting at the Boy's Table ... Princes' don't sit at the Boy's Table."
Che picks up two match box cars, places them at opposite ends of the table, counts out loud ... "I, 2, 7, 6, 10!" ... throws both vehicles at each other causing a crash, then burst into laughter.
One of the two little girls rush over and says, "Well, sometimes I play with Boy's toys."
Her little friend joins her and the two grab all the cars to loudly make their own crashes.
Calmly and quietly, Che stands and takes sole possession of the Princess Table.
A mother carrying a newborn flies across the Library to scold her two daughters for throwing countless cars on the floor.
"I am raising you to be ladies," she snarls. "Why can't you play nicely like that little girl?" she says pointing at Che, who ... I swear to God ... flashes devilment in her big blue eyes and throws off the slightest of smiles.
As her father, I couldn't be more proud and it takes everything in me to not bust out laughing.
Who doesn't live for such moments?
Well, when you get to my age, you spend more time thinking about things you'd rather not think about.
Dying for instance.
I think about it more than ever.
It sucks!
I'm married to this beautiful, wonderful, hard nosed woman who slams through my bullshit to demand I be more than I've been so far ... which really gets under my skin ... because she blatantly points it out so I can't refute it ... I'm quite content with my bullshit.
Oh sure there are lots of messes I should have cleaned up living this long but like most everybody ... I'd rather ignore them and continue living as I like ... than be challenged by the one who loves me most to be better than that.
Damn Love!
You can't live with it!
But let me tell you something ... once you find it ... regardless of how screwed up you are ... don't let go.
Because you can't live without it!
And life's all about living.
Plus I'm blessed with generations of kids!!
Seven children ... one son-in-law ... one daughter-in-law ... four grandchildren and assorted boyfriends (6 of our children are girls).
God they drive me crazy!
Jesus Christ! I love them with every fiber of my being!
They're all nuts!
What's not to love??
It would take the rest of the day to run through them in chronological order ... the oldest is 40 and the youngest is 2 ... apparently I like being a Dad ... and there's just lots of happiness living this way.
So it's bothersome my friends are undergoing treatment for Cancer ... suffer strokes ... have heart attacks ... herniate disks ... or even die!
They're all my age and it's worrisome because if it's happening to them ... it could happen to me!
I'd rather not be reminded of mortality.
But sometimes, late at night or in melancholy moments, I wonder about dying.
It's not really dying I wonder about ... it's more the thought of leaving Sarah, the kids, especially Che behind ... carrying on without me.
It's that outcome of death that troubles me ... no longer being there for them as I am ... loving them as I do.
Death is simply part of life and it comes to everyone.
It's better to accept it and make the best of every moment you got until there are no more of these kinds of moments.
I worry more about potentially suffering or turning into something of a vegetable than leaving this body behind. I'd rather not suffer and I sure as Hell don't want those I love most to suffer on my behalf.
It's why I like the original ending to the Gospel of Mark.
When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?”
But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.
“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene,who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”
Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.
It's the best ending!
Not much of this version makes it into Easter.
It's too raw.
But remember the Gospel of Mark is the earliest of the four, he sticks to the facts, doesn't embellish ... just tells the story as he knows it.
Mark is "The Unplugged Gospel."
Jesus had been crucified.
His followers are in hiding lest they're crucified too.
Three women who loved Jesus pool their money to buy spices to clean off Jesus' body and make it a proper funeral.
The stone's rolled away.
Who did it?
They're looking for Jesus' dead body but instead it's a nicely dressed kid pointing out the obvious ... Jesus isn't there ... he's gone on ahead to Galilee ... "Tell Peter and the others to meet him there ..." where everyone can hook back up.
And, this is the best part ... to me anyway ... scared out of their minds, all three women run like Hell to get out of there and didn't say anything to anyone!
That's the original ending ... Easter Unplugged!
What's the point?
Dying is scary ... and Jesus' involved a great deal of suffering!
When those who love him most try to pay their respects, he isn't there.
Is anyone really there when we go to a funeral to pay respects?
There's a body but ... it take far more than a body to live!
Everybody dies, just like Jesus did.
And the message, via a well dressed kid, is, "We'll meet up when you get to where I am."
Meaning you have to get there alone.
This scares the Hell out of everyone!
But it's the hope of Easter ... the point of Mark's Gospel ... keep going cause even when you die ... there's life to be had.
Early in the morning, it's still dark outside, Che calls from her room ... "Dad-ee ... Dad-ee" and I stumble up the stairs, naked, with hair askew and open her door.
Sitting up in the Minnie Mouse bed she rubs her eyes and says, "Mommy wake?"
Picking her up and changing her diaper, I kiss her and say, "Mommy's asleep."
"Maddie?" she asks.
"Asleep."
"Parks?" ... Parks is Maddie's boyfriend.
"He's at school" ... Parks goes to UNC.
"Laurel ... Cassidy?"
"Asleep ... and dead asleep," I answer picking her up.
She hugs me and smiles ... "Dad-ee and Clare."
Most mornings this is followed by "Mommy" again ... so I carry her downstairs and lay her down between us.
After a bit, I have to get up and shower, make the coffee, throw away the dirty diapers and I leave them behind.
Eventually, they find me.
Sipping coffee, staring at the computer at the dining room table, trying to wake up, Che skips to me laughing to ask, "Play outside Dad-ee?"
Sarah follows later and eventually we all break bread together.
That's the point of the Mark's unplugged Gospel.
Never be afraid to keep living ... even when you die.
Because others have gone on ahead and are waiting for you to join the party.
