While I was musing the fire burned;
Then I spoke with my tongue: "LORD, make me to know my end ... (and while you're at it) ...And what is the extent of my days; Let me know how transient I am ..."
This is from the Psalms in the Bible.
I remember hearing it read out loud in Seminary ... by Dr. J.J. Owens, a legend in teaching Hebrew ... then he began his interpretation of the words.
Today it would be something like ...
"I'm flush and my heart's beating fast ... I'm thinking deep thoughts and my heart beats faster ... so I say, 'Hey God! How am I going to die? ... How much longer I got? ... How honest am I with myself?"
I don't remember my grade in Hebrew but I do recall Dr. Owens always enjoyed my translations ... standing there, long and lanky, shaking his head, asking me to explain how I arrived at that particular translation out of that particular word.
Today ... I am flush and my heart's beating fast ... thinking deep thoughts ... wondering how honest I am with myself?
I already know the answer to the other questions.
How am I going to die?
Who knows? ... but it's going to happen.
I have no idea how much time I have left so I'll just concentrate on the NOW ... that's all I really have anyway.
Hopefully I'll die at the right time and not the wrong time ... I have little control over either.
The last part is the most interesting ... "How transient am I?" ... how honest am I? ... with myself? ... with others?
It's a much harder question.
I try to be me ... just as I am ... in the now ... all of the time.
Though I get it wrong sometimes ... sometimes I'm me ... not quite as I really am ... in the moment ... which is not especially transparent.
Or sometimes I'm not me at all ... because the moment calls for something else ... and I want to deliver ... so I sacrifice myself ... becoming someone else.
Other times I'm me ... but not just as I am because I'm lying ... either to myself or to someone else.
But ... my heart is hot with fire within me.
For Sarah ... our girls ... our kids ... the life we're building ... our friends ... the work we're making ... the places we're going ... not so much where we've been but definitely where we're going ... weather as hot as my heart.
"Mr. Elliott," Dr. Owens asks ... holding his glasses in his hand pointing them at me, "Please rise and justify your interpretation that your" ... he put his glasses back on to read what I'd written ... "Your heart is hot as Hell?"
"Yes Sir?" I ask. "Is that a question?"
Pulling his glasses back off, he laughs, points them at me and says, "It is."
Well Sir," I reply, "I think it's pretty obvious."
He burst into laughter ... and the class follows (especially the Rum drinkers ... but that's another story).
And at 58 years of age with my wife ... a shitload of kids ... a few good friends ... finding work ... planning where we're going ... longing to fuel the fires in our hearts ...knowing we only have Now and there's a time limit on everything.
Well my heart burns hotter than it ever has before!
