Making Life

It's a different kind of Monday than it used to be. Throughout my life the day meant going to work. I'd drag myself out of bed, drive to the office and dive back into a job as Savior to those who struggled to save themselves. It was rewarding and uplifting for three decades but it took its toil. Those last years Monday were cursed full of dread. I couldn't do it anymore and the day began on Sunday night with saddness and tears. These days Monday leaves me feeling out of step. I should be dragging myself out of bed and going somewhere but the work is different now. I spend time in reflection which is damn hard work. There are prayers, wishes and dreams demanding my attention. It's not as solitary as it sounds because these activities force me to concentrate on others. It is true though that, for the most part, I am alone as I do them. That's not to say there's not a lot of activity taking place. Sarah's busy too. We're raising three girls and I'm learning how to parent again (crazy hard work when you thought you'd never do it again). There's writing and communications from people who keep up with it. There's a new endeavor being created which is taking ideas and intuition and putting them on paper. Of course, there are bills to pay, house chores and obligations I've made to others. The pay scale is different too. It used to be cash that I got but now its things ... less tangible but far more significant. This is hard too. I'm supposed to be making money; the more the better and I must admit that I wish I was making more. Payday now occurs in hourly increments ... or they don't. On the upside, I don't have to worry about job security. "How's retirement?" people ask though I'm much too young for that and certainly don't have the resources to make it happen now. "Do you take a nap every day?" is another that comes at me. I like naps and sometimes I do but most of the time I don't. There's too much to do. Making life is hard work and this one has no safety net. None do. Just when you think everything's perfect ... something happens. Jobs are lost. Marriages crumble. Kids wander astray. Sickness creeps in. Death happens. The hardest part about what I'm doing these days is accepting the gift of it. I am loved. I live in a beautiful place surrounded by people I love. Everyone's healthy. I've gone most everywhere I've ever wanted to, been recognized and find that a lot people remain interested in what I'm doing. This is the life that is given to me for now. My job is to accept it and hopefully make it better. Before it was a different life with different people, circumstances, challenges and benefits. I'm keenly aware of the things that I have to make life of these days. Every Monday I get up and start work again ... making my life.