I did something yesterday I've never done before.
I walked out of a wedding.
What made it particularly bad is that I was the minister.
Leaving the bride in her white dress and holding a single rose, her groom wearing a white shirt and a blue 1970's knot in his tie and one very angry Mother-of-the-Bride ... I stood there with my black preachers robe slung over my shoulder to cover the Grand Tetons tee-shirt, bluejeans and flip-flops I was wearing, holding the Preacher's Manual my Grandfather had given me and ... I angrily walked.
I rarely get angry.
It takes too much energy that I'd rather invest in other things.
But I was pissed and stormed out of the room with the black preacher's robe and my dear Grandfather's gift.
Cheryl handed me a glass of wine as I made my way outside. Jenny O came flying over to check on things as the after wedding party was to occur in her restaurant. Dedra looked like would burst into tears at any moment. Essie ordered another round. Swanee mumbled, "This isn't looking good." Even Roma stopped what she was doing to watch.
I stormed out by the pool and gulped the wine.
"I'm so sorry," the sister of the Mother-of-the-Bride said, "she's had a bad week. Her divorce was final on Tuesday."
Incredulously, I stared at her and gulped the wine again.
Her husband, also a fan of 1970's ties, asked, "Can I see those papers?"
I handed him the folder and he inspected the pages inside. I watched him. His wife watched him. Everybody in the whole damn bar watched him.
"Is he a lawyer," I asked?
"No," she said.
I gulped the wine again.
Clearing his throat he said, "Nope baby, these ain't like the wedding we had a couple of weeks ago."
Spitting out wine, Cheryl came flying out with another glass for me then darted back in to join the audience and the wedding party standing side by side. They were easy to distinguish as half were a bunch of beach bums and the others looked like the entire cast of "The Seventies Show."
I've seen a lot in my life but this was my first counterfeit marriage license.
"This isn't the right license," I explained before the Mother-of-the-Bride exploded.
"It is in Wheeler County," she informed me.
"It's not in Georgia," I said.
The Bride said, "Oh can't we just do this, you sign it and we'll be out of your hair."
Then things got worse.
Holding up my hands, I said, "Hey, I need a moment. Let me talk to the Boss about this so I'm say a prayer while I calm down from you people."
It all started when I was doing a favor for a friend of a friend ... so it's my fault. Never do a favor for a friend of a friend! It never works out right.
As unconventional as I may be, I really do try to do things right. Tell the truth. Do what you say you are going to do. Clean up after yourself. Be nice because it's easier and more rewarding than being mean. If you see somebody being mean, say something about it. Share. Sing. Dance.
But A COUNTERFEIT MARRIAGE LICENSE???!!!
In a few weeks, I'm getting married and want it to be perfect. After that Dani is getting married and I want that to be perfect. A little bit later my beautiful daughter Chelsea is getting married to Sam and I want to dance in joy. One day my beautiful daughter Kristen might even get married (you never know).
At this time, the groom with the white shirt and big knotted tie stuck his head outside.
"Hey, don't worry about it. We found somebody else to do it. Thanks for your time."
And he walked down the aisle along with the entire cast of the 70's Show.
All of my Beach Bum friends went back to dancing and drinking.
I went home.
The funny thing about life is that it always surprises you. When you think you've seen it all, something else happens. And you never know where inspiration will hit.
So I've been thinking. There are several vacancies on Tybrisa Street (which used to be 16th Street and is between 15th and 17th Street but has a name for no apparent reason) so I'm going to rent one and open a One-Stop-Shop.
Marriage & Divorce, Inc.
Get them at the same place.
Hell! Get them on the same night!
Special Prices if you get them in the same hour!
I'm telling you .... there's a big market for this.
