Who am I really?

My friend Angela wrote that there never seems to have been “a boring moment in your life until now.”

It is certainly true that not much about what I’ve done and how I live has been boring. I’ve been part of some magical efforts to make the world a better place, often in trouble with the powers that be, and on a spiritual journey that led me to some of the holiest moments imaginable. I have also been blessed with this collection of friends who sustain it all.

Though there is nothing boring about “right now” either. In many ways it is more frightening and difficult that building health care centers out of nothing for homeless people or getting the “elect” of Washington and Atlanta to understand common sense solutions.

There are always these moments in the middle of the night when I am suspicious about myself and what I’m doing. Society doesn’t except me to stop and take time for myself. I should be working and working harder at …doing what others expects me to do.

Once my friend Bill Berry (not the former drummer for R.E.M. but the other one who went to seminary with me) and I visited Gethsemane, the Trappist Monastery in Bardstown, Kentucky. Trappist monks take vows of silence so that they can devote their entire heart and minds on listening for God to speak.

There is a tradition where the monks leave their shoes outside of the Chapel door when they enter. As Bill and I made our way towards the Sanctuary we saw all of these sandals, boots, and tennis shoes that were neatly placed beside on another. Inside the old monks sat on pews and chanted while the younger ones prayed on their knees.

Their entire lives were lived behind the walls of the Monastery. There was part that was open to the public and then there was part that was just for the monks. Of course that just meant that we had to see what was hidden from everybody else so Bill clasped his hands together, I placed my foot it in and he heaved me over the wall.

I landed on two monks who were making their way to the Chapel. Both broke their vows of silence at the same time.

I tried to explain that God had sent me from heaven and they just laughed as they led me out.

The point being that I try to live every moment to its fullest, to seek what others say can’t be found, and to go wherever I need to discover what is hidden from me. For the past several months this has meant going deep inside of myself and exploring what is there.

Who am I really?

I’ve also had this circle of friends who have maintained some vested interest in this pilgrimage and a few have celebrated the things that I’m finding. Of course, most tell me that I need to be doing it the way that it’s always been done.

I’ve never been one for that. If I had none of the magic would have happened.

There was also a cost to all of this. I live alone with Goddess. I gave all that I had to a career and woke one day burned out and broken. All of the conventional planning for the future has been thrown out of the window. I am feeling my way as I go because I’ve never been here before.

But I feel myself getting there. I know more about me than I ever have before. I know where I am strong and what my weaknesses are. I know who my friends are… and who they aren’t. And something inside of me tells me that, in spite of self doubts in the middle of the night, or what others tell me, that I am on the right track and that I’m almost over that wall.