A physical shell of who he was rests in a pink sheeted bed with gray leopard pillowcases. A hater of cold, he lay covered in a sherpa blanket and a Wonder Woman comforter.
For days he had his mornings and nights mixed up, waking up at midnight demanding to take a shower and start his day.
Terminal agitation persisted and we knew that Micheal as we knew him was already gone.
Trying to calm him with the things he loved did not help either.
Turning on music made him loudly proclaim something inaudible.
Keeping him covered to be warm turned into a wrestling match to get the covers off.
Touching him made him agitated more.
Eating ceased. In the last three days combined he ate, two bites of cheese, a half of a Krystal and half a shortbread cookie.
Regardless we loved him through it all. Seeking to fix whatever we thought he needed or wanted.
A lot of people shy away from talking about the true hell caregivers endure. Yes, of course we persist because we love, while our hearts are chipped away repeatedly with unspeakable pain.
Thursday night Laurel, Clare and I went to sit with him again in our bedroom.
I turned on In Spite of Ourselves by John Prine, our wedding vows, and stood by his bed stroking his face.
So fearful of hurting him or agitating him in some way, but he allowed this.
And he smiled.
We told him we loved him, kissed him and that we were going to go watch some TV in the other room.
Lainey, our Dalmatian, laid on the other bed watching him.
About 45 minutes later, Laurel went to check on him and found he had passed.
“Are you sure?” I asked her.
And I checked six different times before calling Hospice.
Micheal and I had almost 6 years to prepare for what he wanted and did not want when his final days were here and after.
That is not something everyone gets. Most avoid the hard conservations. But it helped me make decisions in real time that if I had to make on my own would have been difficult.
When I met Micheal in 1999, I knew he was magic and we lived a thousand lifetimes together from when we married in 2012.
And we always knew, that against all odds, honey, we’re the big door prize.
