Changing Weather

"The weather will be cooler and drier," the Weather Lady says.

"DAMN!" I curse with my head laying in Sarah's lap. "I don't want that!"

"I think it's great," Sarah coos.

I can't hit "Off" on the remote fast enough to make the Weather Bitch go away and stop her bad prophesies of cooler days ... which naturally lead to COLD DAYS ... which I hate more than anything.

We go to bed to the sounds of birds chirping and cicada singing.

Every window in the house is open and I. LOVE. IT.

The outdoors is synonymous with the indoors.

At some point during the night, warmly snuggled with Sarah, a beeping sound erupts distributing the beauty of the night.

"Car Alarm," Sarah proclaims.

"Birds chirping," I sleepily mumble.

Apparently the car alarm went off a second time and I continued to insist it was birds chirping.

I don't know.

I was having nice dreams, warmly snuggled beside the love of my life.

It could have been an atomic bomb blasting the island to smithereens and I would have argued it was a choir of Angels singing the "Hallelujah Chorus."

Sarah reminds me of these things this morning as she lingers in bed on her phone ... her girls make their way to the Cinnamon Rolls I've made them ... while I sit shivering on the Beloved Back wearing a damn tee shirt!

The Weather Lady got it right.

Damn Her!

They never get it right.

That's why I'm going back to watching Pat Prokop forecast the weather.

A Perfect Way to Live

Every day I marvel at the rich gifts in my life.

Rolling over in bed, yawning and stretching, withdrawing my arms from around my wife ... because we sleep like a jigsaw puzzle ... all interconnecting pieces ... I thank God for Sarah to start every day.

Tiptoeing through the darkness, she slumbers with Winston, The Little Gay Dog, who is the spark plug of our house ... a divine Diva ... who worships Goddess, plays with Gypsy the cat, ... Winston, TLGD endures the rest of us but absolutely adores Sarah.

Goddess and Gypsy follow me in the dark as I make my way downstairs to the outdoor shower.

Quickly shutting the door so Gypsy can't get out, Goddess and I stumble out into a dark morning with a billion blazing stars. I turn on the hot water, say the second prayer of the day ... "Thank you for letting me be here again" ... stick my toothbrush in my mouth and pee outside.

Goddess pees outside too.

Gypsy is madder than hell and is howling because I didn't let her outside.

"SHUT UP!" I yell so he doesn't wake Sarah up.

Standing under the streaming water under a perfect Heaven, I'm suddenly focused on Maddie ... Sarah's oldest ... who's been asking me for love advice as she chases the lust of her life.

She's 13.

"Stick a tongue through his heart," is the last thing I told her.

Sarah doesn't know I told her that yet.

I probably need to refine that before my wife finds out.

Wide awake now, Goddess and I leap the stairs over the pissed off cat, and in the darkness I brush my hair, stick on French deodorant from St. Martin, the collogue Sarah likes most and black running shorts and a tee shirt.

In the dark I kiss my wife ... sometimes on the cheek ... a shoulder ... her back ... the top of her head ... occasionally her lips ... and once her foot when was slept upside down.

Throwing Goddess treats I head outside as a very angry Gypsy the cat tries to take my head off with his claws.

"Bastard," I mumble.

He hisses.

Later, I return from the Breakfast Club, kiss Sarah who's asleep in the shower, let the dogs out, give Gypsy the bastard cat treats, and prepare my wife's juice, coffee and breakfast.

Then I turn around, take a deep breath and admire her girls latest masterpieces hanging above the table.

Two are clearly for me ... a UGA football finger painting ... a hand cut "Pre-Father's Day" card ... and two for their Mom.

Every single day they make me smile.

"Man I couldn't do it," people tell me. "You've already raised children. Why in the world would you volunteer to do it again? That's crazy!"

Well, first it's Sarah and it all revolves around her.

She brings three little girls ... so I figure she's a lovely Sun with three planets revolving around her ... and they're funny globes bringing laugher, love, the most interesting dinner conversations and when their Mother doesn't want to kill them ... I do.

Honestly, they keep me young just like Winston, TLGD, keeps Goddess young.

Wandering into the kitchen for breakfast, Sarah's already got her game face on and is all business.

She is also ravishingly beautiful so I'm thinking about ravishing her while she's telling something or the other about what she has to do today.

"Are you listening to me?" she asks with a furrowed brow.

"About what?" I answer looking at the way her hair falls over her left eye.

My phone pings and it's Laurel ... her second child ... who has created a virtual game of a couple named Mike and Sarah ... sending me cartoon's of us kissing and in bubble wrap because it's X-rated.

"You and my Mom," is the caption.

"I love you," Sarah snaps all business like. "If you have time will you mop the floor ... especially the girl's bathroom?"

She's taking the stairs looking like a million bucks with her briefcase and Wonder Woman water bottle.

"Be careful," I say.

"You too," she says in a way that conveys she's way more worried about me than I am of her.

Then she's gone as I stand there with Goddess, Winston, TLGD, and Gypsy the Cat.

"Alright kids," I say, "let's go to work."

The phone rings and it's my son Jeremy.

Goddess, Winston, TLGD, and Gypsy all sense it's him somehow and go nuts barking, making strange sounds and licking themselves.

"Shut Up!" I yell.

I cannot imagine a more perfect way to live.

Things I love

Listening to Christmas music on a warm sunny morning with a choir of cicada blasting out the bass notes, I stare through the Palm Tree at miles and miles of deep blue sky.

There are no clouds.

Heaven is deep blue and green.

A lawn mower coughs in the distance.

It is not ... nor was it ... a Silent Holy Night as Michael Buble is now telling me.

I went to a meeting last night that went to crazy places.

After getting home I tell Sarah about it and she's very protective of me and we talked long and hard into the night which makes for ... restless nights.

We both had one.

Then we both talk about it at breakfast this morning.

My entire morning's being cannibalized by last night.

I think it's mostly stupid stuff.

Everyone else believes it the end of the world.

I've been through the end of the world several times.

It's not all that and I don't want to do it again.

So I'm not.

I love my wife.

I love my life.

I love my children.

I love her children (especially Maddie at the moment who got the boy!).

I love warm weather, blue skies, Palm Trees, salty air, choirs of cicada, my Mom, Aunt Diane, the Breakfast Club, the Carnival of Friends, Tuesday Night Jams, Georgia football and Bar Church.

I love Darlene Love singling "Nobody ought to be alone on Christmas."

I love far more than I don't.

And I'm not going to give much to things I don't love.

I don't think you should either.

Have a lovely day!

I'm going to.

Slow, smoldering time

Walking the halls of Congress I'm arrogant, politely rude and ruthlessly determined.

"I have an appointment with Congressman Thomas," I lie the first time I did it.

"I'm sorry sir," I don't see your name scheduled the fresh face intern with pimples confirms.

"No, No," I explain, "He just told me in the hall that he needs five minutes with me before his next meeting. We go to the same church back home."

"OH!" she squeals ... taking a pencil and inserting my name into a calendar with no room for anything else.

The Chamber of Commerce group in three piece suits bearing gifts of hats, local produce and tee shirts for Lindsay Thomas give me the death stare.

"Right this way Rev. Elliott," a prettier intern with less pimples says, guiding me into his office in the Cannon Office Building.

"Who in the Hell let you in?" Lindsay exclaims.

The pretty intern with less pimples almost pees her pants.

"I just need a second," I smile.

He sighs as I throw my arm around him and start talking ... funding for people with AIDS, housing for the homeless, money for preventive heath care ... I really don't remember but it was one of those.

Decades later, I'm riding the escalator in Regan International ... tired, lonely, burned out and sad but still doing it ... somehow ... when an arm's slung around my shoulder and I see a grin only elected officials in high places have.

No longer a Congressman, Lindsay's with the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and, as always his smile looks like several million dollars.

"You look terrible," he says with the whitest teeth ever.

"Thanks," I sigh.

"Remember the time you got passed all my spies ..." he giggles.

I laugh and for a moment the sadness breaks and ... I love Lindsay Thomas.

He gives me his card saying, "Call me if I can help. I don't know what I can do but I'll try."

Salt water fills my eyes and he hugs me as he rushes to his cab and I rush to mine.

That was a long time ago.

I don't rush much anywhere anymore.

I rush to make Sarah's coffee or to see whatever she's wearing but ... that's about it.

I rush to the beach as often as I get around to it ... normally Sarah's second Laurel's involved these days.

But I know I have it in me to do these things.

"I can't wait for you to find your passion again," Sarah tells me sometimes. "You're incredible to watch when you're on fire."

I'm on fire I think to myself ... it's just the slow, smoldering kind ... intensely burning for her, my kids, the girls, a church in a Bar, a Spirit trying to soar above an island and a quiet commune full of dogs, a cat, a Palm Tree with a face, choirs of cicada, salt in the air and an incredible collection of people who love us.

It's all going to blow up again.

I know this and am doing the best I can to get ready.

It's time.

Though I do love this slow, smoldering time we've been blessed with.

The Closest Things

For a week now ... I've been writing about God.

I need a break.

I need comic relief.

Constant God is WAY too intense.

That's why nobody ever invites Monks ... or most preachers ... to dinner more than once.

ALL. GOD. ALL. THE. TIME. MAKES. FOR. WAY. TOO. SERIOUS.

I want to laugh.

I want to feel good ... hear great music ... dance around as I work ... laugh ... anticipate tonight ... lust my wife in the most sinful ways ... act out on every single one of those sinful ways ... not feel obligated, contrite or in need of forgiveness ... not worry ... and I really don't want to pray for anything.

I want to enjoy the life I've been given and I want to ... DO. IT. NOW.

Then a friend of mine posts on Facebook his wife has cancer and surgery's involved but they are hopeful and could we please pray.

"Hey God," I pray. "I need some time off. Three deaths in the last two weeks? I think I've met my quota. Cut us some slack. New cancer diagnosis is not helpful right now! And you know how screwed up the American Health Care system is and that just makes the cancer worse."

I look for happy songs on Pandora to lighten my mood.

"I think it's time we stop ... children what's that sound ... everybody look what's going down."

"Really? I say out loud looking at the sky.

Strolling into our bedroom there are provocative photos of Sarah on my bedside table which always make me feel better.

I bring them outside with me to wash myself in lust.

The thing about posting on Facebook is ... after you do ... your computer "pings" when somebody you don't know posts on the same page.

I'd sent my friends a post of "Prayers, "Good Karma and Love" after learning about her cancer because those are the nicest things I can think of to share.

My computer is suddenly a constant PING of sympathy to my friends with people exhibiting God-like behavior.

Holding my pictures of Sarah in the blue dress to my chest I say, "Hey God! We really could use a break. If deaths come in threes ... you've passed the quota."

"Because the night belongs to lovers," Pandora streams. "Because the night belongs to us."

"Now you talking," I pray holding the things dearest to me the closest to me.

Church Beer

The best tasting beer is the one after preaching on a Sunday morning.

Many years ago as the "Professional Christian" at the Jefferson Street Baptist Chapel in the inner city of Louisville, Kentucky, Ken Sehested head of the Baptist Peace Fellowship of North America was the "special preacher".

He did a great job that morning.

I don't recall anything he said.

But I didn't have to preach ... which is not the same as a day off ... but close.

Afterwards we took our visiting dignitary out for Sunday lunch at the inner city Howard Johnson's Restaurant ... which was quite excellent given the other inner city options ... White Castle and Oscartag's (believe me you do not want to know about Oscartag's!)

"What'll y'all have to drink?" the waitress asks.

"I'll have a beer ," I say.

Ken grins.

"Me too," he nods.

When the frosty mugs arrive, we toast as horrified Deacons look on and Ken says ... "Ah! The best beers are the ones after you preach!"

A couple of Deacons order beer.

Damn visiting dignitaries!

How come people listen to them and not the day-in/day-out guy?

I'm going to let you in on a religious secret.

The only reason revivals exists in America is so preachers can help other preachers supplement their incomes.

"You invite me and I'll invite you," is the how the game is played.

It's a lot like, you show me yours and I'll show you mine.

"Friends! We're doing a love offering now for Brother Bert who came all this way to deliver God's word to us today."

Brother Bert lives 5 miles away.

I must confess as the one who invited Brother Bert to preach revival in the first place ... and as the one who initiated the love offering for Brother Bert ... and had conducted a magnificent marketing campaign of putting posters of "Bert and Ernie" in homeless shelters, porn shops and the projects with the tag ..."Want to meet the real Bert?" ... that Bert invited me to preach revival at his church too.

It's a game.

But Bert's was a most spectacular revival!

Meaning lots of homeless guys and prostitutes wanted to meet Bert!

He was horrified!

But we had a good crowd.

The Deacons and I took Bert to the inner city Howard Johnson's after his great revival sermon ... that none of us remember ... and order beer.

"You're drinking beer on Sunday?" Bert asks.

"You ever had one after you preach?"

"No," he confesses.

"It's time," the Deacons and I affirm.

So he did.

I haven't heard from him since.

Though Ken and I've kept up.

So anyway ... after Bar Church yesterday ... the beer was good.

But Bar Church was much better.

Experiencing God

The sun hasn't been on island in a week!

Dark blankets of clouds have given away to thin pale blue sheets covering the sky.

Ocean winds whip in circles so flying flags snap loudly and the Palms dance wildly.

Frenzied Surfers adjust their days around the tides because the waves are so good and congregate in the surf.

White Egrets decorate trees like Christmas ornaments.

Green Geckos with purple tails scurry around the deck.

Birds sing solos, frogs wail the blues and Cicada keep the rhythm.

My bare feet rub Goddess' fur as she lay below me on the Beloved Back Deck where it's quiet and peaceful.

The house is dark and full of sleeping girls ... Sarah's three plus two others who were loud through the night chattering about boys, laughing, playfully slapping and other things I'd just prefer to remain ignorant about.

Tiptoeing inside I check on my wife who mumbles something about letting Winston, The Little Gay Dog, out in the middle of the night and he refused to come back inside.

I kiss her forehead and she falls back asleep.

Making Winston, TLGD, come outside with me and I clarify his lineage with whispered venom.

Pelicans fly overhead in a V formation.

Finches dart to and from the orange Hibiscus blooms on the deck.

Squirrels chase each other on the fence decorated with a metal sun, colorful fish, funny signs we've bought and a large black iron cross.

I have to leave shortly to go to Church.

But I can't imagine anything more Holy than what I'm doing right now.

"Thank you for this," I say out loud.

I've read that God cannot be explained ... only experienced.

This morning, I understand that.

Church Fires

"I swore I'd never do this again," I say to my Mother and Cousin who are laughing at me as we drive in a funeral procession.

"Church people are crazy," I continue.

Both nod in agreement.

The phone rings and it's Sarah who's busy putting out Church Fires and her passion is clearly evident as Mom and Jason can hear everything's she's saying.

Church fires are typically stupid stuff!

Someone says they're doing one thing only to do something else.

Someone unexpectedly takes to criticizing because they're personally offended while everybody else is just fine with what everyone unanimously agreed to do.

Someone hacks into the church computer system just because they're pissed.

And every Church has Indian givers ... people promising they'll do this or that only to say really don't mean it ... this is especially true when it comes to money ... I mean tithes ... no I mean money.

No wonder Jesus said he'll build his Church upon a Rock because you've got to have a really solid base to handle the constant earthquakes and fires taking place when two or three gather together in his name.

"Every successful organization has one SOB," my friend the Father Vernon Robertson once told me. "That's why we have the Pope."

"What?" I reply.

"Yep," he says sipping Cappuccino. "Catholics say Priests should marry or lighten up on birth control ... the Pope's job is to say no and keep everybody in line."

"Uh-huh," I say.

"The problem with you Baptists," he continues, "is you have 100,000 SOB's all wanting to the only one."

I couldn't think of a response.

"ANYWAY!" Sarah concludes on the phone, "I THINK IT'S HANDLED. I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK. I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS AT MY JOB!"

Three decades ago I was a "Professional Christian" getting paid to believe while asking others to do it for free.

I lasted 8 years and when I left I swore I'd never do it again.

Now here I am doing it again.

"Jesus Christ," I tell myself.

Because I can't think of anything else to tell myself.

The Unclouded Day

I'm thinking about Carvers.

Half of who I am originated with the Carvers.

Rev. Ira and Edith bore 9 children and they took the Bible seriously and were fruitful and multiplied.

Their 9 children went on to 56 grandchildren.

The grandchildren outperformed their parents and there are now hundreds of us running around ... every single one fruitful and multiplying.

Surely God blessed Ira and Edith!

Certainly God blessed those of us with their blood running through our veins.

Yesterday a large collection of us gathered at the funeral of Aunt Bootsy's husband Jason.

Jason is the nicest person I ever met in my life.

His infectious smile, even when he was serious trying to understand something he didn't, melted your heart and today I can't imagine him not smiling.

He married into the Carvers but in no time at all ... you'd never know that Ira and Edith didn't run through his veins too.

We are an emotional, musical, faithful lot and yesterday we cried just to see each other again.

We touch one another with hugs and hands.

I got there late but my cousin Alison's wet eyes met mine and she grabbed my hand and we held on to each other in the procession outside of the Funeral Home.

Later, standing beside Jason's grave ... next to Ira and Edith's ... every single one of us paused to look at their markers, blink back tears, throw arms around each and not have to say a damn thing ... because we all understand.

The Carvers believe in the "Unclouded Day" ... a home far away where there are no storm clouds and the tree of life is in eternal bloom.

Every year or so we all gather together out in the country somewhere or at my Uncle Curtis' house on the Wilmington River to eat, tell stories, laugh and cry.

Jason's funeral was a lot like that.

Ever so slowly old Carvers are replaced by new ones but each has this uncanny feeling we'll all be getting together again on some unclouded day.

And if we're not ... well we live like we are.

It's a much better way to live.

My first Yoga Experience

I'm doing Yoga tonight.

It's my wife's idea.

I'm considering it a research project for Tybee SPIRIT.

I've never done Yoga before but have stretched before football practice, running and romantic evenings with Sarah.

Are you wearing black shorts?" she asks.

I just look at her.

"Well make sure they don't have holes in them," she says.

It gives me pause.

Do I have a pair of black running shorts that don't have holes?

Regardless ...

It'll be fun.

I'll watch people attempting to contort their bodies in ways God never intended.

I know ... I know ... it is possible ... and it's spiritual ... and it's holy ... and it's healing ... and it elevates to higher levels of consciousness.

I'm sure it's also funny as Hell and look forward to giggling, snorts, laughs and watching Sarah bend in certain ways.

We're not doing it until tonight so I've got all day to fanaticize.

Then we'll actualize.

And ... if everything goes right ... we'll come home and spiritualize.

GLORY!

Where's the Ben Gay?

Regaining my Religion

That's me in the corner.

That's me in the spotlight.

Regaining my religion.

I never really lost it ... it's just gone through lots of transformations.

Currently religion permeates our house.

Aside from Sarah leading us in prayer before supper ... to the sounds of ketchup squirting, glasses being filled and lips smacking ... the religion permeating our house is coming from the outside.

There's Bar Church ... church in a bar because most people don't go to God in a Box anymore ... somewhere around 43% of Americans actually attend church services.

Far more regularly frequent bars ... especially those serving food.

Samuel Adams ... who used to have really nice hair ... hit upon the idea of Bar Church  and you know what? ... people who normally wouldn't be caught dead in church .... CAME TO CHURCH IN A BAR!

It shouldn't be surprising.

Jesus hung around tax collectors, liars, prostitutes and midgets ... all of whom frequent bars.

His first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding because ... God knows most go on forever and everybody's just waiting on the reception so they can toast the Bride and Groom and get on with the party!

Anyway, Samuel's on to other things and I'm kind of in charge of Bar Church at the moment.

I didn't see it coming.

Course ... nobody ever sees God coming.

For the past two Sundays, it's been all about Bar Church at our house ... me asking Sarah to pick out the songs ... sing the songs ... cover my countless mistakes playing the songs.

The girls are helpful wanting to sing with us on Sunday morning and introduce "twirking" in the name of Jesus as part of the service.

I keep telling them charismatics did that years ago.

If that's not enough, our friend Kyle Shiver asked me to help with Tybee SPIRIT ... an all inclusive, spiritual movement that needs to be at the beach.

I like Kyle a lot and spirituality a lot more so it seems like the right thing to do.

We're working hard to ... see what happens.

I haven't been a "Professional Christian" since ... I quit.

That means I haven't been paid for what I believe in a long time.

To be honest the Southern Baptist were throwing me out anyway so I resigned before they could.

I swore I'd never do it again yet ... here I am ... discerning the Spirit ...seeking wise council ... pondering how it's going to affect the way we live because we like the way things are!

It's taken Sarah and I half our lives already to get here so we're really trying to make up for lost time and enjoy however much we got left together.

And ... we both share feelings we can't quite knock.

Something special may be starting and we find ourselves in the middle of it.

The timing is terrible!

Sarah just started a new job so she's busy.

So I told God I'll call back.

But it's dawning on me that God is the initiator of calls.

Not the receiver.

Post Sunday Blues!

I preached for the first time in a long time yesterday.

I try to not preach too much these days.

There's WAY TOO MUCH preaching in the world.

You can't turn on the television, especially FOX News, and not get preached at.

Everything an elected official says is a sermon and if you don't agree with him/her then you're going to Hell ... or not getting their vote ... unless you contribute to their campaign ... when you still may not get their vote ... but they will do everything possible to prove they fought to the bloody end for the vote you didn't get.

I used to think politicians were all going to Hell but now I realize they're making it themselves and throwing it at us.

Throw in all the preachers preaching on Sundays ... the football analysts ... Info-commercials ... and even at The World Famous Breakfast Club ...

"GO to HELL JOHN," Franklin, who is brown, screams when Johnny O orders a BLT to go.

"It's just a sandwich," John says illegally smoking.

Nevertheless ... there's way too much preaching, condemnation, judgment and plastic painted smiles in religious services regardless of the religion.

Yet ... there I am ... preaching ... on a Sunday.

We are in Bar Church ... church in a bar ... because less than 50% of Americans attend church though 97% believe in God ... so there needs to be something other than church in a church ... so we have church in a Bar ... which is not the same as bars showing movies because they serve alcohol ... we just eat and worship in Bar Church ... though if anyone burps you may smell alcohol.

When I preach ... I try very hard to not preach.

I tell a lot of stories.

Everybody can draw their own conclusions.

I pray everyone feels better about coming.

After I preach I completely butcher the closing Hymn ... "People pray ... just a little bit longer ... won't you stay ... just a little bit more?"

I crack myself up.

Anyway Bar Church ends and lots of people are hugging lots of people ... people who normally wouldn't be caught dead together ... HUGGING!

We had good church.

In spite of the singing.

And in spite of the preaching.

I believe I'm going to invite everybody in Congress and at FOX NEWS and ... maybe even Tom Barton.

Happy post Sunday everyone.

Never mind Tom Barton.

Do whatever you were going to do.

Dinner at our house

"What do you want for dinner?" I happily ask my Bride ... knowing full well she absolutely hates the question.

"I don't know," she replies. "That's too far ahead to think about."

"Alright," I sigh. "I'll cook something."

"Fine," Sarah says packing her stuff and heading out the door.

~~~

"Honey," I happily say.

"I KNOW," she loudly says, "IT'S LUNCH TIME. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WANT TO GO."

"Your choice," I cheerily reply.

"No you decide," she shoots.

"No I chose last time," I remind her. "It's your turn."

"No I don't want to decide. You decide."

"No Babes," I remind her. "It's your turn."

"I hate this," she says. "You decide."

"No, you decide."

"I'm not picking. You pick."

"I picked last time."

"Well you're picking this time too."

"Honey it's your turn."

"No, you decide."

~~~

Now if I ask the girls, I already know what they're going to say.

"Cheeseburgers."

"Chicken Alfredo."

"Steak ... with no brown or black parts ... but not rare ... cooked ... but not burned anywhere."

So I don't ask the girls.

~~~

"Why does everything have gravy?" Sarah asked over our scrumptious supper.

"Why does anything not have gravy?" I logically answer.

"Pass the ketchup," the girls yell in unison.

~~~

"How come I never cook?" Sarah asks ... obviously not caring for what I've prepared for dinner.

"YEAH?" the girls say ... obviously siding with their Mother.

"This steaks burnt!" they say dousing it in ketchup.

~~~

That's pretty much a summary of dinner at our house.
~~~

Today's Rain

Wind blows salt and sea across the island, mixing with light rain and sticking to the sliding glass windows I'm staring through.

Fran's thousand shades of green drip wetness, Palm Trees dance, the umbrella is closed and the table on the Beloved Back deck holds a standing puddle.

Sitting inside the dark kitchen I'm trying to be quite while Sarah and her girls sleep in though Jackson Browne's softly streaming from the glow on my computer screen.

Goddess lay under my bare feet and I rub her golden fur as I bounce around the virtual world.

I keep clearing my throat which sounds like sonic booms in a dark house full of sleeping girls but it's a day to stay cuddled in bed.

Besides everyone's tired after a hectic week.

It's game day and I'm up and excited, the little boy in me still very much alive, wearing my UGA gear and ready to see how another football Saturday plays out.

The Beloved Dawgs of Georgia are playing a very bad team from Troy but I don't care ... I'll be watching and talking to the kids during the game, wistful that we're not there but happy to be home with Sarah and the girls.

I'm cooking Cinnamon rolls for breakfast, already looking forward to Cassidy licking the icing from the cup and the fierce competition over the ones with the most icing melting on top.

At least it's warm outside ... 76 on this wet day ... and I don't mind rain as long as it's not cold.

Bad things are on the news and I choose to not own any of it today ... stupid people doing and saying stupid things ... I'm now convinced the news is the same every single day ... only the names and locations change.

A harder rain pelts the sliding glass doors bringing me back into focus.

I tiptoe to the open window in our bedroom to check on my wife who's peacefully slumbering and I hope she's having good dreams.

Returning to the dark kitchen, Jackson's telling me to "take it easy."

I think I will.

I've got way more than I deserve ... have no idea how long I get to keep it ... but am going to love every damn second of it while I can.

I hope you do too.

Hating a Cat that makes me laugh

A cat is making me laugh out loud.

I hate cats ... though we have one.

"We're going to get a cat," Sarah announces one evening.

"OH HELL NO WE'RE NOT!" I scream as the man of the house.

The next day she brought Gypsy home.

A charcoal grey feline with piercing brown/green eyes, he didn't quite know what to make of Goddess and Winston, The Little Gay Dog, sniffing their noses or their butts ... and I was immediately suspicious he is gender confused.

Over time Winston, TLGD, became Gypsy's best friend while Goddess mostly ignores the cat.

I'm with Goddess.

I ignore Gypsy.

My aversion to cats began in college where I crammed 4 years into 5, partly because I worked at the Bulloch Veterinary Clinic in a management position ... I was "Supervisor of Cage Sanitary Excellence."

Every morning at 7:30 I arrived, grabbed a shovel and scooped feces from 25 cages of imprisoned angry cats.

Opening the cage was always an adventure as cats would pouch on my face digging their claws in my nose, striking angrily out as I was the personification of human cruelty.

In no time at all I grew to hate the little bastards as it dawned on me that being in a management position isn't always what it seems.

When college finally threw me out, my life with cats was done.

Until the love of my life brings one home.

"Well Hell," I happily exclaim as Sarah thrust the cat in my arms.

Since then, Gypsy and I have established a wonderful relationship ... I ignore him and he mostly ignores me.

Until now.

On a lovely September morning I'm lost in thought sitting on the Beloved Back Deck when I look up and see Gypsy standing on his hind legs, scratching the glass on the sliding glass doors trying to get outside with me.

It makes me laugh out loud.

"You're the freaking fractured Brady Bunch," Samuel Adams ... who used to have long hair and play damn good live music on Tybee Island ... pronounced at our wedding.

My kids, Sarah's girls, Goddess, Winston TLGD, Gypsy, Sarah and me.

Most of the time, we give one another joy.

Often we make each other laugh.

It doesn't matter which combination it is.

Even if it's just Gypsy and me.

 

Son of a Beach

I need a place that doesn't have winter.

My wife Sarah says that winter is the only thing I truly hate.

I cuss the cold, full of rage and venom, damning the coat, layers of clothing and shoes.


"HONEY" Sarah says I as spew hatred. "THE GIRLS!"

"I HATE IT!" I spit.

"I love snow," Laurel sweetly says.

At that moment I want to be a participating member of the National Rifle Association.

"You can have all of mine for the rest of my life," I fire.

"Can we go Ice Skating?" Maddie asks.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" I say turning on the oven and sticking my hands inside.

Cassidy, the 7 year old, sashays into the kitchen wearing a fur coat and boots claiming she's ready to go.

Of course the girls wear long pants, boots and coats to school on 97 degree days because ... they were obviously raised by Fernando Lamus ... "It's more important to look good than to feel good!"

I live with girls who love something I passionately, unequivocally  hate with everything inside of me.

"Hey!" Laurel exclaims, "let's roast marshmallows over the fire."

My kids gave me a Chiminea that sits on the Beloved Back Deck and, in the fall and the spring, I light fires because the only good thing about being cold is a fire.

Over the past few years Sarah's girls love to sit outside with me shivering and stick marshmallows in the fire.

I admit ... I enjoy these times.

But that's about it when it comes to winter.

This morning there was a nip in the air.

"Son of a Bitch," I mutter climbing on my bike ... then deciding it's too chilly and drive to the The Breakfast Club for coffee.

It's 79 degrees as I write this.

FINALLY!

It's 4 degrees above my threshold for cold.

Winter's coming. Sarah's talking about going to New York. People anticipate leaves changing color.  Pumpkins are almost ripe. Leaves will soon crunch. Fleece will be vogue.

To Hell with all of it!

I'm a son of a Beach!

I love hot and I love warm!

And I never want to be cold again!

I've been told it starts with the heart.

I hope so.

Cause Sarah keeps mine pretty toasty.

Alright I'm going skinny dipping while I still can.

Pestering Calls

"Hello," I mumble into the phone hanging on the wall of the trailer where I live in the "Red Barn Trailer Park and Sales" in Statesboro, Georgia.

"What are you going to do?"

It's Guy Sayles ... now America's greatest minister but back then he was only America's greatest college student ... having crammed 4 years of college into 3 before graduating ... while I was happily cramming 4 into 5.

"About what?" I reply.

"I think you should come to Seminary," he says with conviction.

Plucking crusty ear wax with my finger while sipping a beer, the world stops spinning.

WHAT?" I yell into the phone.

"It's time to come to Seminary," he repeats with more conviction.

"Shit!" I mutter ... and then say, "Alright."

That's how I was called to go to Seminary.

Once there I meet Bill Berry ... not the former drummer for REM but the other one ... who's from the big city and takes it upon himself to introduce me to ... POVERTY!

We head into the inner city of Louisville, Kentucky taking the love of God to people sleeping in dumpsters, hookers, thousands of kids living in the projects and numerous storefront ministers who try to save people before driving back home to suburbs.

So I move into the inner city to live with the homeless, hookers, kids ... and launch a campaign to run the storefront ministers out of business.

Inexplicably an inner city congregation calls me to be their pastor ... with a butcher knife.

"We want you to be our preacher," the tobacco chewing, bald headed, knife welding woman spits at me.

I'm too scared to say "No".

That's how I became an ordained minister.

It all went well enough.

We turn the church into a shelter ... a real sanctuary ... homeless moved inside, hookers have bathroom access, kids have Sunday School ... AND WE CLOSE EVERY SINGLE STOREFRONT MINISTRY DOWN!
We discover that if you're serious about actually living out your faith ... you will get in trouble.

My ministry's been plagued by trouble.

Almost 3 decades later though ... that church still thrives in the inner city.

I return to the ocean only to be shanghaied by the City of Savannah where I spend 23 years cutting its homeless population by more than half!

We also introduce job training/placement for the poor, housing for people with AIDS, numerous addiction facilities, the nations first major health care initiative for the uninsured and behavioral health services where they're actually needed.

That finally comes to an end and I become a full time resident of ocean side living, toes in the sand, perpetually tan and ... well ... THEN SARAH COMES HOME and we finally are married!

The Kingdom comes on Earth as it is in Heaven ... ABOUT TIME!

I'm pretty content.

Then Samuel Adams, who used to play damn good live music on Tybee Island, tells me that God told him to tell me that I'm being called to "Bar Church" ... a church in a bar ... because more than 50% of the country doesn't attend church ... though 97% believe in God ... so there needs to be something else.

Then Kyle Shiver asks me to help him start a spiritual movement ... Tybee SPIRIT ... because God is bigger than Church!

THEN ... this job wants to talk to me ... in a place where there's no winter, doing the things I do best for a people I love.

I'm left with this strange suspicion I'm being called ... yet again ... but I'm older and wiser now ... so Sarah and I evaluate these things.

"What are you going to do?" she asks with frustration and needing clarity as we sit at the kitchen table after she gets home from work ... she having a wine cooler and me sipping wine.

"About what?" I reply.

Why aren't we there yet?

Let's be honest ... waiting on God isn't easy.

We're ready WAY before God's ready!

Heal me now ... Protect my child ... Save me from this rotten marriage ... Please make this car last another year ... Strike down the President! ... resurrect Ronald Regan! ... Keep the IRS from knowing about this ... Help the bank grant this loan ... Let this plane land safely ... GET ME OUT OF HERE ... Get me this job ... and, "Please Lord, let these be the winning Lottery numbers!"

We're ready.

All of the time!

Immediately!

NOW!

God doesn't seem to be in a hurry about much anything.

Nothing tests our faith more!

"The Lord's time is not our time," Religious leaders explain.

"No kidding," we respond. "Tell us something we don't know Sherlock."

"You should petition the Lord with Prayer," the Religious leaders reply quoting Jim Morrison of The Doors.

Still being honest here, WE DO PETITION THE LORD WITH PRAYER!

Every damn day!

REPEATEDLY!

The result's a mixed bag.

Most are not healed through most kids make it home safe ... Half of all marriages fail and more often than not the car gets us there ... One President's always replaced by another and everyone has a favorite ... the IRS makes us pay and banks mostly lend money ... planes safely land only to be filled again with people needing to get the hell out of here now ... and we see stories of others winning the Lottery so we know it happens ... just not to freaking me!

Those who get what they ask for give all of the glory to God.

Those who don't ... are being tested or something to see if they're worthy of getting what they want.

"The Lord will never give you more than can handle," the Religious leaders tell us when we don't get what we ask.

God didn't say that.

Mother Theresa said that.

She was consistently overwhelmed and burdened and her actual quote is "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

Everybody likes Mother Theresa and to prove it we've butchered what she said ... so Religious leaders can make those of us who don't get what we want from God when we want it ... feel better.

I know that I have faith and I'm keep asking just like I always have.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are. We. There. Yet.? ...

Parenting alone with adult supervision

"I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH!" she yells.

"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH!," yells the younger one.

"I'M BORED," yells the first sitting in front of the blaring television.

"I gotta go," their mother explains.

The older sister has a birthday party and there are groceries needed to restock the shelves but mostly, I think, my wife needs a little time to herself.

She and the older sister leave.

I'm left to "parent" alone ... without adult supervision.

They're still arguing about whether or not to go to the beach.

"Hey," I offer, "y'all work it out and let me know."

Popping a beer, Goddess and I stroll downstairs to the porch and turn on the football game.

No sooner than I'm interested than the one who didn't want to go to the beach strolls down in her bathing suit saying, "I'm ready."

She climbs in my lap to watch the game.

The one who did want to go to the beach meanders out later.

"Get a towel," I tell them.

"Where are they?" they simultaneously ask having no clue how clean towels magically replace wet ones on the floor.

"That way," I point and they get their towels.

Arriving at the beach, one wants to swim and the other wants to build a sand castle and both want me to help.

Adjusting the ear buds while turning up the tunes on my I-Pod, I offer, "Y'all work it out and let me know."

Listening to Michael McCloud music, I glance up to see an intense sand castle competition taking place. Both are looking at me ... saying something ... so I give them the thumb's up sign.

When the songs are done, I stand up and stretch, ready for a swim.

"Who won?" they ask at the same time.

"I think Laurel takes the 'Most Ambitious' category," I reply strolling towards the ocean, "but Cass definitely wins 'Most Creative'."

The both applaud.

I hit the water and Laurel joins me.

"There's Jellyfish," Cass screams. "I'm not swimming."

"Whatev's," I say, diving deeper.

Before I can dive twice, Cass is sitting on my shoulders.

"OUCH," I scream. "JELLYFISH! JELLYFISH!!!"

Holding me tighter, realizing I'm lying, she laughs.

The three of us spend a delightful half-an-hour playing together in the Sea before I say, "Time to go."

"We don't want to go," they scream in unison.

"Tough! We gotta help your Mom unload the groceries."

"Awe," they sigh.

Making our way to the crosswalk, Cass spies a feather in the sand, stops the World from spinning to pick it up and takes it home.

After unloading the groceries, picking up the several dozen wet towels it takes for two small girls to use after the beach, I'm sipping wine on the porch watching football when Cass interrupts me.

"Here," she says, handing me the feather and a shell I'd given her weeks ago that she now believes she found on her own. "These are for you."

We went on to have a nice night, though everyone was Sunday night exhausted, dreading Monday morning obligations.

Working now, I glance over at the feather and the shell, which I've now placed beside me on the Beloved Back Deck ... and they make me smile.

The ocean breeze picks up and carries the feather back to beach.

In no time at all, the girls will be gone ... like my kids are gone ... and it'll only be Sarah and me.

In the meantime though ... the girls are a lot of fun!

Especially when I'm left to parent alone without adult supervision.

A Brown Boy Morning

"Y'all did this to me," Franklin, who is brown, says standing on the other side of the counter.

I shrug my shoulders,

"Yeah!" he continues, taking a break from the prep work taking place at The Breakfast Club in the morning before it opens.

"You and John O'Neill!"

I sip my coffee and look the other way.

"I was a small impressionable child when I started here and y'all were already here. It's your fault."

Franklin is making these wild allegations because he said something remarkably crude to Judy O'Neill as he held her hand.

She left pretty quickly afterwards.

John missed it all as he'd already departed for his job as "Supervisor of Redneck Love Services" at the Ocean Plaza resort ... where cigarettes are available in the swimming pools.

Perhaps it's because I'm the Rev ... or it's a predawn Sunday morning ... or he's afraid Judy left to report what he said to the Island Paramilitary Police ... whatever ... the brown boy is both confessing, looking for an alibi and lining up his defense.

"It could be the people you work with," I say, getting up to pour myself another cup of coffee.

"Oh yeah," he exclaims. "They've ruined me too. You've seen the people I work with."

Glancing over his shoulder I see Ryan's head covered in a blue Cubs hoodie while eating breakfast still asleep (an incredible feat!) ... Kim is doing her hair while eating breakfast ... Denise is talking while eating breakfast ... Randy brushes his teeth while eating breakfast ... Caroline smokes while eating breakfast ... and I'm afraid to study what Richard is doing for breakfast but it looks gross.

"You got a point there Brown Boy," I say sitting back down.

"MIKE!" Jodee yells, "TRY THE FISH! You can't get this dish outside of France!"

Jodee is my friend, one of the world's greatest Chefs, a key cog in the "Carnival of Friends," owner of The Breakfast Club, mouth harp player, voracious reader of books, boat Captain, can fix anything that's broken and makes Sarah special cocktails when they're together.

"Gotta go Brown Boy," I say standing again to make my way to the back dining room.

Franklin returns to the Hollandaise he is making.

On a table in the back is a plate prepared by Jodee consisting of four Trout he caught yesterday swimming in a brown and yellow sauce with white and brown sprinkles on top.

I taste it and ... the Kingdom comes on earth as it is in Heaven!

"My God Jodee!" I say in religious ecstasy, "that is great!"

"Isn't it?" agrees Mike, who lusts after Sarah's oldest Maddie and cooks, says sitting next to me eating his breakfast.

Maddie's 13.

Mike's old enough to know better.

"I didn't think it would good but ... man that's good, he continues "eating something besides the fish."

Finishing my coffee, I stand and say, "Alright goodbye kids! I gotta go check on Sarah and the girls!"

"BYE MIKE!" they yell as though Sesame Street characters.

"MORNING MIKE!" Jodee yells wishing me a good morning.

It's a great way to start a day ... well ... except for Franklin who is brown.

He wishes me a good morning with verb and a pronoun.

I have no idea who he learned that from.