Dog Love

You know how dogs can tell when you're sick, and they empathize, giving extra attention, affection and love?

Lainey is suffocating me with love and affection to the point she may kill me. 

For the last few weeks, she incessantly follows me everywhere. 

When I stop, she stops, and stares at me, until my next move. 

When I sit, she lays her head in my lap, and proceeds to slowly crawl up until I relent and give her a full-on hug and belly rub. 

If I lay down, she lays down, beside me, even down to sleep and the way she snores, it could be prayers to the Lord for my soul to keep.  

I don't know. 

I've fleetingly considered taking out a restraining order on her so I can get some rest. 

Sarah and Che see Lainey's obsessiveness and try to redirect her, which is easy, because she follows their every command lovingly. 

Colt, the foster puppy, treats me like he always has, gleefully playing around my feet, or happily kissing my chin. 

But Lainey remains obsessively, compulsively, zoned in on how I'm doing, and killing me with affection. 

"Dogs know when people are dying or grieving, through body language cues, smells only they can detect and other ways not yet known, experts say (Sue Manning).

Honestly, I don't mind Lainey's constant obsessions, because I know she's just giving me extra love to keep me going. 

She's constantly letting me know that she's here with me, and isn't going anywhere. 

It's the same with Sarah and Che. 

I don't know how they mobilize all of the extra tangible expressions of love during difficult times, but they do.

It's family love, which is an incredible sustaining thing, and something of a miracle. 

That's what's keeping me here. 

https://www.gofundme.com/f/manifesting-my-celebration-of-life?attribution_id=sl:420e6d5a-d672-47a8-b770-e72372904e09&lang=en_US&utm_campaign=man_sharesheet_dash&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link

My Celebration of Life

I had no idea how hard it would be to have my celebration of life now rather than later.

When I floated the idea, the response was overwhelming with suggestions, offers to help, and commitments to travel in order to attend one Hell of a Party, complete with live music, good food and drink in a spectacular setting with hundreds of people attending.

I would never survive!

Cancer's compromised my stamina, energy and focus to "celebrate" at that level for what's left of my life.

I'm easily overwhelmed and am very measured in everything I do and a gathering of such magnitude would be too much for me to even consider.

"Oh, don't worry," John O'Neill told me, "we'll carry you out."

"That's what I'm worried about!" I emphatically answered.

My life couldn't stand that kind of celebration.

Besides, it costs a lot of money to have cancer so party costs are nonexistent anyway.

I had 28 chemo injections, each costing $26,000, that Medicare covered, except for $1,600 which we had to cover.

$44,800 of living expenses went directly to keeping me alive, at the cost of the hopes, dreams and wishes I have for my family.

That's just one example, and there are lots more but the point being, it's damn hard to celebrate your life when all of your disposable income goes to what's not covered by Insurance.

Last year I ceased all treatment, wanting a quality of life even if it's at the expense of the quantity and, shockingly, I'm still here somehow, with a chance!

I have to make the most of this time before the quality runs out and I've thought long and hard on what my celebration of life should actually be.

I'm dying as happily as I know how, but I think I can do better.

My celebration of life will have 3 things I want to manifest before my time comes to its end.

An actually celebration would be nice, but what will make it most meaningful to me is to do it with Sarah and Che. They're the ones who bring the most joy, laughter and love anyway, so who better to celebrate my life than the ones who make it?  It will be a grand occasion in a grand location for as long as possible, because this is our last chance for such a thing to happen.

My celebration will allow me to leave something for Che, something I can give her at our grand little private affair in a grand location.  A fund that is set aside for when it's going to be needed and Dad won't be there to help. I want to make this a reality too because she's going to need her "Da" then and, well, this allows me to be raised from the dead for our love child, after I'm gone, in a real and meaningful way. 

Most importantly, Sarah has to start completely over without me. Burying your husband and starting a new life as a single mother is hard under the best of circumstances, but it's a bitch when all of your money's gone to keeping me this long. Some start-up money will definitely help because starting over is easier when you have something to start over with. 

That's the celebration of life that I want to have. It's certainly the one Sarah and Che deserve. 

This  Go-Fund Me drive is to help manifest my Celebration of Life and make it real for all of us. 

So many have done so much over the last 5 years of our ordeal, it's hard doing this but, we've always tried to keep it real and, well, this is real. 

We appreciate any prayers, wishes, hopes and donations offered that help us manifest my celebration of life.  

GoFundMe link

My "Concept of a Plan" for Dying

 

I've been doing lots of reflecting.  

I don't see any reason to have a funeral after I die.  In this economy, it simply doesn't make sense. Besides I'm not a proponent of the Funeral Industrial Complex.  So there won't be one. 

Disposing of my body is a bit more of a challenge but we've got some excellent ideas.

In addition, I'm going to have my Celebration of Life sooner rather than later!

A party after I'm dead might be fun for everyone else but I wouldn't enjoy it very much. 

So, I'm thinking my celebration of my life should take place while I can attend!

That decisions been made. 

Now we're coming of with a "concept of a plan" which will be as spectacular as anybody else's!

That's the reflections so far. 

More to, hopefully, come soon.

It's been a lovely cruise

 

The Boat sways gently from side to side, slowly meandering its way across the Gulf of Mexico, so most people are sleeping soundly as they're rocked gently through the night. 

I'm sitting alone in the darkness, waking and baking on the Aft deck of the Adult's Only section, sipping coffee while staring off into the giant black abyss. 

If I stare hard enough, I can barely find the line where the Ocean ends and the sky begins, both shades of deep black.  

There are no stars in the sky. 

Not a single one. 

It's an idyllic cruise, a marvelous gathering of all of my kids and grandkids, sans Cassidy, in one place at the same time for the sole purpose of being together, here in the middle of the Gulf Stream for Christmas. 

It's easy to count your blessings when they're literally standing in front of you.

The magic moments were plentiful, memories were born in real time and both the spirit of Christmas and Jimmy Buffett's vibe made it all happy craziness. 

We were showered with gifts before we even boarded and marvelously surprised by Joey Finch and ended up doing most everything we love in Key West. 

It really was a perfect script for a Hallmark Movie with the family fun, drama and insanity that marks a good family gathering. 

It's something I never thought would happen in my life yet, damn the context or circumstances, a Christmas miracle occurred for me. 

It was dubbed "The Last Cruise" by some of the kids because the odds are heavily weighted in that direction. 

Sarah's reaction was to book another cruise for when Che gets out of school. 

"You need stuff to live for," she explains. 

I laugh, like Sarah laughed at God when she learned Abraham was going to get her pregnant, at her age!

When Sarah laughs, I end up laughing too. 

And it's just as preposterous that we'll actually cruise again but that's the New Year's wish!

And Here's to yours! 🥂

Fins Up this Christmas

 

"Sometimes living's a struggle, multiplied double but they love it too much for the party to end," sang Jimmy Buffett shortly before he died. 

I can definitely relate. 

Keeping the party going, especially all of the way to end, is a most difficult thing to pull off!

I like thinking that Jimmy did. 

My party's been a sputtering affair. 

Major surgeries and two-and-half       yrs of chemo took their toils on my body and it's harder to party when you can't stand up, are nauseated, focus is hard to maintain and energy is vertically nonexistent. 

So it came time to make a choice: Continue with even more aggressive treatments or quit and party.  

Our Cancer Specialist did not take the news well when we told him. 

"Will you come back and see me?" he asked. "Can I call you."

Breaking up is hard to do. 

To celebrate, Sarah decides we could use extra injections of love in the house, and as a marvelous destruction to cancer, we've been fostering puppies and, oh what a joy it's been!

But the party's never complete without the people you love the most, so in a spontaneous, miraculous, impulsive moment, Sarah makes invitations for the entire family to gather together for Christmas. 

That's never happened since Sarah and I married and threw our families into a blender. 

So this Christmas, all of the kids and grandkids, along with a sister-in-law, a nephew and his girlfriend, are joining Jimmy's holy ghost on the Margaritaville Cruise!

Everyone threw conventuality out of the window to make this happen. 

"Look at it this way," we explained to the kids, "if everything goes well, it's one Hell of a Christmas party and, if I happen to die, everybody's together anyway so burial at Sea will be a breeze."

No one could argue with the logic, or the economics, of putting an equal strain on all parts. 

It's going to be "Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of rum, Santa's run off to the Caribbean" with the whole family!

So my party's not over quite yet and, who knows, there just could be another Christmas miracle or two this year. 

Fins Up and Happy Holidays to all!

Falling Grace

 

At the Eastern Wharf Boat Parade, Che surprisingly asks if I'll have my picture taken with Santa and her?

"Of course," I answer, catching Sarah's eyes, and we both wonder where this is coming from?

So Sarah snaps our picture. 

Later, Che and I are holding hands, laughing as we walk towards the river, when I trip and we both face plant on a crowded sidewalk. 

In slow motion, I watch her watching me as we fall, still holding hands. 

Eyes the size of full moons, stare straight into mine as she immediately ask if I'm okay, as I'm asking her. 

My knee is bleeding. 

She helps me up and we return to our seats.

Sarah inspects me, grabs hold of my arm and doesn't let go for the rest of the evening. 

"Your days of walking alone are coming to an end Mr," Laurel quips, and I laugh at her prophesy. 

I'm embarrassed, cold and feeling extremely old.

Under the soft glow of the Christmas Tree lights, hours later when everyone's asleep, I'm reflecting on these things. 

It's hard to keep winning battles when the war's being lost. 

A rustle interrupts the silence and, out of the darkness and into the light, Che shuffles in with her blanket over her head. 

"What are you doing up?" I exclaim at 5:10 in the morning. 

"I want to be with you Da," she softly says, laying down in the chair beside me. 

And I am filled with tidings of great joy. 

Maybe even some peace too. 

For now anyway.

Because now's all we've got anyway.

A House Full of Puppy Love

 

Sarah decides we need more love in our house because, how else you gonna stay focused on the important things instead of risk a lapse into the depression that multiple cancers bring? 

So we're fostering puppies! 

So far we've cared for Ham & Pam, Ooogie-Boogie, and Firefly! 

Ooogie-Boogie and Pam are in the process of moving in with their new people. 

Ghost Malone arrives tonight for a sleepover. 

Crazy huh?

Still living with two stage 4 cancers and a slew of other internal issues while fostering multiple dogs with his family seems preposterous doesn't it?

"We're saving dogs cause we can't save you," Sarah says and we burst into laughter. 

This is all really Sarah's brilliant diversion to help us stay positive, focusing on helping and loving intensely the love that these dogs are bringing us. 

It's hard to complain about the aches and pains of dying when puppies are gleefully playing around your feet. 

Che's loving it and it really is a fantastic redirection of bad thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Our dog Lainey takes it all in stride, going about her business, paying no attention whatsoever to any of them.  She's secure with her place in the family. 

"You're going to keep them!" everyone says. "They're so cute! How can you not?"

Well I'm not in a position to make long term commitments, so we're sticking with the short term obligations because I'd end up disappointing the pups in the long run. 

These last few weeks have been a marvelous celebration of life and love, even when the news is bad. 

We don't have time to focus on the bad because there's so little time anyway. 

Actively loving hurting and discarded puppies, most saved off kill lists, infuse joyous laughter and more life in our house, just when we could use it the most. 

Just like my wife planned. 

Adopt These Puppies Before I Die!

 

"Most people have about 6 months and for you it's been 4-and-a-half years," Sarah explains and her words linger in a pregnant silence.

Then we burst into delightful laughter.

We delight in what we have and what we have is now!

Well, and two foster puppies who were saved in one of Hurricane Helene's many disasters.

Why in God's name would I, with as much cancer and having stopped treatment, be part of such a crazy and marvelous adventure?

The short answer is Sarah, who decided we needed more life in our house these days because of an over abundance of difficult days. 

It is a magnificent emotional distraction for us from the day to day traumas of growing cancers, and everything that means. 

And boy, are Ham and Pam two delightful pups we are going to find a home for while I still have time. 

At just 6 weeks of age, these pups play hard, throwing their mere 2-3 pounds of body weight around, making us laugh.

Although their breed is unknown, you can’t help but fall in love with these pups who bring glimmers of pure sweet joy. 

So help us give them the best life by adopting one, or sharing this post with others.

Sarah already has two more foster pups picked out to bring home and well, damn, I am determined to be around despite my cancers, to enjoy as many pups as I can.

The Hard Truths

 

Written by Sarah Elliott after our last visit to Mayo Clinic.

-------

Shit!” Micheal said, halfway into our 4 am drive down to Mayo in Jacksonville, “I forgot my shoes”

After we laugh and laugh, he tells me he has his black-and-white buffalo plaid fluffy socks on.

We quickly learn that truck stop gas stations do not sell flip flops. I thought they might since they have showers. And with our first appointment at 7am, most stores are still closed.

“Well, Mayo hospital is one place it will look normal for you to be in those socks,” I tell him.

I sit in the waiting room as my honey receives his MRI and then as he goes in for a different (PET) scan and then blood work.

Each time he emerges his black-and-white buffalo plaid fluffy socks make me burst out in laughter.

Who knew that forgetting one's shoes could be the joyful twist throughout the dauntingness of our day of appointments.  

Pouring over the results online before we meet with our oncologist, we are better prepared for our visit.

“Well, you do have two completely separate dueling cancers,” our oncologist shares.

We listen as he confirms that in addition to stage 4 pancreatic cancer and skin cancer, Micheal also has stage 4 prostate cancer.

The three of us in the room all look at one another, quietly digesting what we already knew, but now can actually see which is where in Micheal’s body.

We talk about treatment options and their side effects again for each cancer. Any treatment will not cure these cancers, but may help slow their progression. We do know surgery is not an option.

We openly discuss the hard truths.

Asking about our plans, I share  

“Well we are going to Colorado to visit our daughter, our other daughter just got engaged and…”

Knowing this is not what he was asking, but he smiles and understands.

We are too busy living to think about dying.

We do know that the window of time for additional treatments to be helpful is closing. We understand that treatments come with their own cost.

As we have always done, Micheal and I will process over the next several days.

Standing to leave our oncologist hugs my Micheal.  He hugs me and then hugs Micheal again. He walks us to the waiting room reassuring us  that he respects and supports whatever we decide.

“Enjoy your fun trips!” he concludes as we exit.

Squeezing Micheal’s hand, I see those black-and-white buffalo plaid fluffy socks and laugh.

“Shit!” Micheal says.

Keep doing what you're doing!

Staring at the red and white lights remind me of a Christmas Tree, with only half the lights working. I plainly see where dark shapes should be lit, so it's a connected, shinning brightly, fully lit tree.

"Micheal are you okay?" Sarah whispers in my ear, rubbing my back. "You're zoning out. Is this too much for you?"

"I'm not zoning out," I softly say, continuing to stare at the little black holes.

Sarah squeezes my hand and I hear concern in her voice, assurance in her touch.

Dr. Starr stops reviewing the Pet Scan images, highlighting where the cancer is with red and white lights, and is now quietly staring at us.

I squeeze Sarah's leg and say, "You called this month's ago," continuing to stare at the lights inside of me.

"The dark spots is the prostate cancer but the scan highlights the mastication of the pancreatic," Sarah says.

Dr. Starr agrees, points out the contrast in the images on the screen and says, "They're growing but not at the rate I anticipated after stopping treatment. I think we ought to keep doing what we're doing."

We sit in silence for a moment.

"I'm your outliner?"

He nods, looking away, grinning.

"So I'm the patient you tell your other patients about?"

Our eyes lock, and dance for a few seconds. He grins, nods and the dance becomes delightful. 

I'm a little euphoric already when Sarah asks, "So Micheal's going to be the case in the book you're writing?"

She squeezes my hand and we lock eyes, share a grin and the richness of the moment.

He  nods again, shyly smiling, looking sheepishly at Sarah.

"How are you doing?" he asks, turning to me, pivoting nicely.

"I'm fucking great!"

"And what to you attribute this to?"

"My lifestyle!" I laugh. "And the Weed."

"And the Weed," he laughs.

Turning to the Intern watching our consult, Dr. Starr says, "We're advisors.  It's important to listen to what our patients are saying and we advise on the best course of action."

"Don't forget to tell him about the red wine," I happily add.

Dr. Starr sighs, laughs and says, "Ah yes, and then there's the obligatory conversation about alcohol. Micheal has one glass a few days a week."

"A big glass," Sarah laughs, "most every day of the week."

Dr. Starr laughs.

The Intern looks confused.

Sarah, still squeezing my hand, smiles and I'm excited at thoughts of keep doing what we're doing.

I haven't had chemo in 3 months and, damn the growing cancers, I don't want to it anymore. 

"I've done that once," as Bob Dylan said, "I think I'll do something else now."

We discuss additional treatments options, side effects and timelines of effectiveness.

"On average, patients who opt for nuclear treatment remain engaged for almost two years," Dr Starr concludes.

"What kind of time would we be buying though?" Sarah fires.

"Why don't we keep doing what we're doing?" he smiles.

Time stops and it's just Sarah and me, for a second anyway, that seems as though a thousand years.

"Let's keep doing what we're doing," Sarah and I both say, still holding hands. 

Dr. Starr hugs me and then he grabs Sarah and hugs her too. 

"Keep doing what you're doing," he calls over his shoulder, already explaining realities to the Intern, as we leave the Hospital, grinning. 

Spring Break (from Cancer)

 

After 3 months of feeling good, the trap door opens and I abruptly drop into torturous waves of vertigo, nausea, sweats and chills. 

"Da!," Che calls from her bed waking. 

"Che!" I yell, throwing up in a bowl on the sofa. 

"What?" Sarah asks, jolted from sleep with Che's calls and my wet responses. 

The day goes downhill from there.  

Much later, we're exhaustively holding hands, after I'm able to sit upright again, and Sarah's slowed down enough from handling everything, smiles and says, "A lot of it really is mind over matter."

I don't know how she wills things to happen, against all odds. 

So, the next day, inspired by her,  I rise from the dead like Jesus did on Easter, get as high as I can and Sarah drives us to Chuck E. Cheese's, of all places, and we play as hard as we can with each other.  

We laugh a lot. 

Daughter Laurel and boyfriend Rob join us for the fun. 

On the way home, Sarah stops for wine for me and later, with Smirnoff Ice Green Apple, over leftovers, we celebrate, before I fade into early slumber. 

These past few weeks, I've had a bit more self awareness, energy and focus. We've been taking advantage of it, going to the St. Patrick's Day Parade, bowling, to an Easter Egg hunt, occasional dining out, the Zoo, and Che and I even rode bikes on a Daddy/Daughter date to the Library!

I'd given up ever doing these things again and it's been a wonderful time, comparatively speaking.  Then out of nowhere, I'm sick again, a painful reminder my cancer's not going anywhere.  For all we know, it's taken over more of my body. 

We'll find out soon when I return to Mayo for scans and entertain new, nuclear, treatments, designed to buy me more time. 

"You know," Sarah says, sitting at the table after dinner, listening to the birds loudly sing through the open door, "we're just buying time. The question is what kind are we getting?"

Should I stock up on as much as I can horde or go for the quality stuff, which is a lot more enjoyable but you seem to get much less of it?

That's the question. 

The sudden sickness is a rotten reminder of my cancer's growth and we hear the clock loudly ticking. 

It's been 4 years since I was diagnosed with stage 4 Pancreatic cancer, and I was really sick for 3 1/2 of them. Now, I feel pretty good and I'd rather continue like this for as long as I can. 

It's too much fun. 

It's too much love. 

Like every kid her age, Che's ready to visit Disney World and, damn cancer and treatment side effects, I want to be part of it. I want to scream beside her and Sarah on Splash Mountain. I want to let the good times keep on rolling. 

Time is of the essence and I've got to make certain I'm buying the right kind.

The Scar Club for men

 

It started as a joke when a friend I've never met, called me out on social media, by beating me to respond, and then challenging me in front of everybody on the whole world wide web!

On Twitter, he and I are bantering over scars.  The scar down the middle of Jim's chest screams "Open Heart" while my "Whipple" slices right down my belly. 

"Hey!" I write, "let's start the 'Scar Club for Men' and do a calendar."

"I'll be Mr. September," Jim instantly responds. "That's my birthday month."

"Potential Spam, another Twitter pal I've never met, chimes in and Direct Messages his photos, claiming October as his month. 

And that was it!

We had a laugh and quickly moved on to the next thing. 

Months pass. 

Then, out of the blue, Jim calls my bluff, post the "Mr. September" calendar photo, with the challenge, "Hey Micheal Elliott! How are we coming along with the “Men of Twitter with Scars” calendar?"

And there's Jim's sexy pose of his heart surgery scar. 

"Well damn!" I laugh. 

The reason I like Twitter is there are some great people who make me laugh. Sometimes, there's a serious conversation, and I use the term loosely, but it's mostly playful banter.  

A few of the folks I find joy with everyday somehow, though I don't know how, these "friends" I've never met, gift me with laughter. 

It's a marvelous diversion from the terrorist attacks that cancer and treatment wage on my mental health. Laughter is the best medicine they say and I'm relentless about finding more.

Jim makes me laugh out loud and so I must answer his challenge 

I need help, asking Sarah to take a photo of me but she's getting ready to go on a run for her own mental health. It's best she focus on that.

Che's more than excited to stage my photo shoot.

And she handles everything!

When Sarah finishes running and is cooling down, we show her the shot.

"Oh good Lord," Sarah snorts. "Really? Holding a glass of wine?" before looking at Che to say, "Great job Honey! It's beautiful!" before resuming with me, "what in God's name are you doing?"

So I tell her it was Jim's idea.

Shaking her head, Sarah knows what I'm doing. If anything's happened over the course of my cancer, is that Sarah and I spend much more time laughing together than we ever have. You can't really have enough if you're really going to "live" with cancer. 

"Have fun," my wife laughs, shaking her head as though I've lost my mind or something.

"It's better than Jim's," Che says, affirming herself.

So that's how the Scar Club for Men was founded.

As far as the calendar goes, 9 volunteer models are still needed to complete the project.

In a Glade

 

"If you continue to feel better, I don't know if I want you getting any more treatment," Sarah says.

Her feet are propped in the chair under the table cluttered with our dirty dishes, as are mine, as we sit, talking long after dinner is over. Che's on the sofa, headphones on and playing a game on her I-Pad so Sarah and I linger.

"That's the sweetest thing you've said to me in forever," I beam, sitting upright, feet on the floor.

We stare at one another in a pregnant silence.

No more treatment sounds good right now.

The chemo shots I've taken for the last 2 1/2 years stopped working and I may be a candidate for Nuclear Medicine but, for the moment, I'm taking nothing other than daily vitamins and supplements.

And I feel good.

Physically I'm no better but mentally, the cancer fog's dissipating, focus is better and there's a bit more energy.

We've gone and done a few things recently that have been tremendous fun but, mainly, Sarah and I sit, talking. 

We linger.

The conversations are mostly the every day stuff of life. The demands of Sarah's work, the girl's school, trips we want to take, how crazy the economy is and what's wrong with the world?

But we're also taking an inventory of ourselves. Surviving the past 4 years, no small feat in an of itself, has changed us.

I simply can't do the things I once could, both physically AND mentally. The extent of my social network is Sarah, the girls, whoever I see when Lainey drags me for a walk, an occasional phone call and whatever I manage on social media.

There are no breaks.

But we do find ourselves in a glade right now, an open space in the sinister forests of cancer. It's suddenly better than it's been for a while.

We clear the dishes, clean the kitchen, and join Che, still on the sofa. We cuddle, as everyone does their own thing, relaxing, talking or watching something on television.

It'll be hard to move from this sweet spot when the time comes.

Intensely Staying Alive

 

A dear friend hugs me and says, "I want to go first so you can do my funeral." 

"Wait a minute!" I'm the one with 3 active Cancers and, it's difficult to believe anybody's going before I do!

She's has her challenges too: infections led to Urgent Care, then to the ER, until hospitalized overnight in a hallway. 

Boy can we relate!

"I mean, we're all dying all of the time anyway," Sarah says, "it's just some of us are in the fast lane."

It's hard to argue with my wife. 

That night I wake to vertigo, chills, followed by sweats, nausea, bowel issues and lack of sleep. This takes place in the Living Room and hallway bathroom, so everyone else can sleep while I do.  Somehow while this is happening, I manage to smoke Weed, which calms it all down while making things move quicker. A few hours later I can eat and everything's better. 

Finally, just as I settle on the sofa with coffee, Che wakes and we fall into a routine of play, breakfast and getting ready for school. 

"Is it 7:30 yet, she begins asking, because she's ready to see her Mom.  The time hit, Che makes a wild dash to "see if Mom's awake" by diving on top of her."

I live for these moments. 

Later Sarah's working and Che's at school so I hop online and am immediately overwhelmed with requests. 

Family, friends and strangers asks if I'm available to talk, meet, speak, write, preach and even do funeral services. 

‪One the one hand, what an honor!‬

‪On the other hand, I'm working real hard to maintain my distance from death or disrupting a way of living that's KEEPING ME ALIVE.‬

Besides, the last time I tried, I passed out teaching a College Zoom class "On Death and Dying" and Sarah, who happened to be monitoring, pushed me out of the chair to continue the lecture without missing a beat. 

The students gave her rave reviews!

The last message is from a childhood friend, "Just wanted to let you know that you’re amazing.  It must be so difficult worrying about future things while struggling with current issues.  And yet, with Sarah and Che, you make it through each day ..."

It's true we take everything one day at a time.  It's hard to make plans living in the valley of the shadow of death but Sarah doesn't care, making them anyway. 

I tell her these things over dinner and we talk and, in no time, find ourselves laughing. 

"I'm going record a video of you conducting a specialized, limited edition number of funeral services," Sarah says grinning, "for anyone to download for a modest $400 fee."

I howl, bending over in laughter, laying my head on the table and pounding my fist on top. 

Sarah and I laugh as much as possible, which far more difficult than it sounds, but it really is the best medicine. 

Unless you have diabetes then insulin is the best medicine. 

That's funny. 

After dinner, Che dances into the room, resulting in even Lainey stopping to watch, as Che sings, "Staying Alive" to the top of her lungs.  

Sarah and I laugh at the irony. 

"Alexa," I gleefully call, "play Staying Alive" and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band play it if their lives depended on it, as Che dances, and we hold hands, watching.