Johnny O's Birthday

I am normally the first to arrive at the Breakfast Club followed by Johnny O and then Whitley. This was again true yesterday through Whitley arrived before Johnny. When Johnny did arrive he stood over me and loudly greeted me with a verb followed by a pronoun.

“You did it didn’t you? Then he repeated the aforementioned verb followed by a pronoun. “You wrapped by car in crime scene tape.” Then he once again used the aforementioned verb followed by a pronoun.

Many years ago when I was teaching my young daughter Chelsea Tybee survival tactics we took to looking after our dear friends Johnny O and Judy’s house whenever they left the island. They often took Judy’s car leaving Johnny’s (then) truck beside the house. So Chelsea and I got a lot of cellophane and wrapped the truck for safe keeping. Another time we decorated it for Christmas. I think that we also put it up for sale one time and Johnny received several handsome offers. So I could understand how Johnny would think that it was me though Chelsea is now away in college.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I innocently replied because I had the truth on my side.

John again responded with the aforementioned verb followed by a pronoun.

“Happy Birthday Johnny,” I told him with even more sincerity.

“Are ya‘ll coming to my surprise birthday party today?” he asked finally leaving the crime scene incident behind.

Whitley and I assured him that we would be present.

The surprise birthday party was a hostile take over of the daily Bored meeting in front of Fannies-On-the Beach. Jenny Orr the owner had transformed the sidewalk that we occupy everyday into a party scene. There was an outdoor buffet with shrimp, pizzas, fruits and cheeses. White tablecloths covered the mesh tables and the trashcan. There was a kissing booth with a miniature goat in it. A typical Tybee gathering.

And there was a crowd. Many of the Beach Bums showed up and every member of the Bored did too; except for O Johnny, Trolley Joe, Kathy Brown, Joni Woodcock, Al and…and to be honest I’m no longer certain of who is actually on the Bored or not anymore because Roma and O Johnny have franchised the thing.

A lot of regular Tybee people were there too. Wait! That’s an oxymoron.

Tybee Dave and Sandy, Cheryl Sadowski, Ohio Bob and Margaret, Ester Guy, Jack Boylston, Bonnie Gaster and Roberto and a lot of other people. At one point I swear to God I heard the voice of Chicago Bob exclaim, “There’s a lot of love on that sidewalk!” I’m pretty sure Chicago Bob’s voice came from above though he once threw my Mother and my sister Age out of his house during the Beach Bum Parade. It could have come from below.

Then I left. I had stuff to do; being the Chaplain of the Breakfast Club means that I may be called away at any moment.

I have since learned that a transvestite showed up to sit in Johnny O’s lap, kiss his face with purple lisp stick, and sing Happy Birthday to him. Johnny explained that he knew it was a transvestite when she sat in his lap.

“You should have stayed,” Johnny O told me this morning.

Then Ryan Sadowski, who cannot decide if he wants to be a Rastafarian or Ozzy Osborn when he grows up, chimed in. “What Mike left early? Not Mike? He always just makes appearances and then leaves his friends and family behind. Seriously? Mike left?”

Ryan used to be a good kid.

So that was Johnny O’s birthday. He seemed pretty pleased with it this morning as he explained the precise moment when he learned that it was a transvestite in his lap. When he explained this Whitley and I looked at him and said at the same time … well … we used a verb followed by a pronoun.