Preaching Class

This is a seminary story. I know. I’m sorry. It’s Guy Sayles fault. He’s the one who called me and told me to come. I’ve never not listened to Guy so I went; though he’s never recovered. He’s fled across the nation trying to find a church to pastor that didn’t know about me. Alas most found out and he’s had to move a dozen times. I really hope the people at First Baptist Church of Ashville, N.C. don’t read this.

Regardless of that it was “Preaching” class. We were all supposed to stand up in front of some old white guy in a suit with a “Dairy Queen” swirl top haircut, and … well … preach.

My friend Greg went first. He was nervous because he never wore socks and the old white guy professor was a big believer in socks; especially if you’re sitting in the pulpit. It would be downright un-Godly if a “Man of God” (no women at the Seminary I went to) were to sit and face the Congregation without socks. He actually lectured on this once. I think Greg skipped that day because he didn’t wear socks on the day he was to preach.

He did try to impress the Professor with the Dairy Queen haircut by speaking in Greek to begin his sermon. It was the words that Jesus cried from the cross. “My God, My God! Why hast thou forsaken me?”

God forsook Greg.

It was bad.

And without the socks …well…he was toast.

Next was Cin, who is now famous. While Southern Baptist didn’t believe in women, I did. She was the Associate minister at the Jefferson Street Baptist Chapel of which I was inexplicably in charge. I hired her for many reasons but one was the Southern Baptist Convention said that women couldn’t be ministers while God was calling them left and right. I went with God on this one.

Cin had large breasts which means she was a goner as a Southern Baptist minister. That had nothing to do with why I hired her. She was smarter than me, a better preacher, believed Baptist stuff more than I did, and never wore socks (panty hose but not socks…now that I think about it I wonder if the Professor had a thing for panty hose).

Anyway, Cin got up and blew the class away.

The Professor …not so much. She was a woman and Southern Baptist do not believe in women so I think that she got a “DD” as a grade.

Then it was my turn. To be honest I was already in major trouble with the Seminary and Guy had long ceased speaking to me in public. As a matter of fact an attorney was representing me against the Southern Baptist so that I could get my degree. He wore socks. I felt pretty good about it.

But in Preaching class I stood up that day after Greg and Cin. I stared at my classmates and the Dairy Queen hair cut professor and the Baptist Police outside of the door because we were in litigation with one another.

Then it was time to begin quoting the text. I opted for the Boss instead of the Bible and I started singing.

“I got a wife and kids in Baltimore jack, I went out for a ride and I never went back.”

“Like a river that don’t know where it’s flowing, I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.”

The class started clapping as I sang.

I started dancing behind the pulpit.

The class started singing with me.

“Everybody wants a place to rest. Everybody wants to have a home. Don’t make no difference what nobody says, everybody wants to have a home.”

It was all about the homeless who I lived and worked with. This was their moment in Seminary.

I was clapping and singing with the class. Several got up and danced with me including Cin with her large breasts bouncing and the Dairy Queen Professor couldn’t watch because that was a major sin so he concentrated on his socks. Greg was speaking in tongues. The rest of us were dancing and slapping hands. I think my attorney was even smiling.

I made a “D”. I’m not sure why I didn’t fail. Maybe because I was the only student in Preaching class with an attorney.

So … that is how I learned to preach.

You can’t it up.

Hallelujah!!!!

Oh…and pull your socks up.