College Again

Jeremy my son started work on his Ph.D. at the University of Georgia yesterday returning to his Alma Marta, this time living in his own apartment four hours away from his wife Marie. She is a Professor at Valdosta Stat. Back from Italy, my daughter Chelsea just began her last semester before graduating from Georgia. Her fiance Sam is an hour away at Georgia Tech. Even my daughter Kristen who not been to school in a decade started nursing classes at Savannah Tech.

I have the sudden urge to matriculate.

I loved college. I loved Seminary.

On the other hand, they did not love me so much ... institutionally speaking. I mean I got to know the Deans really well at both institutions ... that's because I was forever sitting in their offices for some infraction of academic standards. Most of it was silly. Once I threw a Greek textbook out of second story window when Professor Olmanson told me that I could find the answer in the book because he didn't have time to answer it. The book sailed under Guy Sayles nose and he called on the name of Lord which got him an "A" in the freaking class ... again!

But ... that was a long time ago. And I'm not going back to school ... aside from this life school stuff ... and the good friends that I had in college and in Seminary have all come back into my life ... and I didn't have to pay anything for it.

So Father Guido Sarducci come to mind.

He argues for the "5 Minute University" because five years after you graduate these are the things the average college graduate remembers from school. It only cost $20 for 5 minutes.

Economics is supply and demand

Spanish is boiled down to hola and adios

Business is ... you buy something and you sell it for more.

In Theology class you have to learn the answer to the question "Where is God?" The answer is "Everywhere." If you ask "Why?" The answer is "Because he likes you."

Then he takes a Polaroid snapshot, gives you your diploma and asks if you another minute to attend Law School.

There is a lot of truth in what he says. Again in Seminary I paid thousands of dollars to learn the word "Anthropomorphic" which basically means attributing human characteristics to God. So God is an old white man in the sky with a beard ... or a woman who loves her children ... or Che Guevara.

I work the word into every possible conversation that I can because ... well ... dammit I paid a lot of money to learn that word and it's the only thing that I remember from that class!

Anyway ... in a few short weeks I'll be joining my college children with my friends and my best friend on the campus ... for football games ... which is really what college is about.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite college stories ... and it is not mine ... but belongs to a friend ... years ago the annual Georgia/Florida game was called the "World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" because you could carry your liquor into the stadium ... then some Professors and administrators thought this to be a bad idea and banned alcohol from the game. They employed security to enforce the rule and even pat you down which is still the case.

So my friend Gay, a college graduate from the University of Georgia, was outraged at this flagrant breaking of college tradition. So she bought a wheelchair. Sitting in it ... she put bottles of booze between her legs ... then she got a plaid blanket and covered herself ... and rolled right by security.

I love college.

Hey Kids! Do me proud!