My Questions for God

Hey God! You up?

Of course you're up. You're always up.

First question I'd like to ask is, "Why'd you wake me up? I was sleeping perfectly fine until 2:59 when you decided that the world would be closer to salvation by having me awake. So I lay there staring at the clock in the dark for an hour. Then I used a VERB followed by a PRONOUN, which I'm sure you heard 'cause you're God and all, so please forgive for that if its a sin which I'm not sure it is. Let me know."

As you know, I stood there in the shower for a long time questioning why in the hell you have me up at this hour thinking deep thoughts. I'd much prefer to be dreaming sweet dreams with erotic content. I don't think there's anything wrong with that so I'm not asking for forgiveness. Besides according to the Bible you're the author of dreams anyway and let me say you are a master of creating erotic dreams.

I do want to thank you for the coffee. Hallelujah for coffee! As you know since you were already up, I stumbled naked down the long hallway to hit the "On" button of the coffee pot before standing in the shower. That way it brewed while I thought the deep thoughts in the shower that you obviously woke me up to think about.

Driving back to Tybee Island in the pre-Dawn darkness, I admired your work. The moon is really something and the way you sprinkled stars across the sky ... I just have to say it's some of your best work. I sipped coffee looking at it on the Tybee road in the middle of the marsh. It was worshipful.

I do have a question though.

Why are the cops out hiding in the darkness under Palm Trees? There were tons of them! It makes no sense at this time of night. They should either be home with their lovers, cleaning their guns, surprising criminals in the act or ... I don't know. It makes no sense to me. You obviously led them to do this so I'm just interested in why.

Don't rush on that one. It can wait. I'm just curious.

I want to thank you for Goddess, who as you know, is named after you. She was wagging her tail when I opened the door and flopped around on her back so that I could rub her belly. It was pure love so I lay in the floor scratching her tummy for a while.

Do you like to have your belly rubbed God? I mean I do. Surely you do too ... in an anthropomorphic sort of way. I want to thank you for the gift of belly rubs. Goddess does too.

Now ... as you already know ... I'm sitting on the Beloved Back waiting on you to approve the coming up of the sun. I wish you'd hurry up.

Killing time now ... I pray a little bit, mostly asking you to bless and take care of people who I love. Not questioning your judgement or anything but you do allow crazy shit to happen. I'm sure you've got a master plan but ... it really is some crazy stuff! Heart attacks and floods, unjust firings and unholy Sons-of Bitches who end up in charge, Congress ... I could go on. It's a pretty long list. But I'm just going to trust that you know what you're doing because it makes absolutely no sense to me.

Oh yeah, before I forget. Thank you for inventing communion. I find it really helpful on a daily basis. But you already knew that.

Now back to the questions.

Why is it that my life was rocking and rolling merrily along and you decided to reshuffle the deck? I was pretty content with it all and I really liked the way that you were handling things. Then you apparently got distracted. It could have been Israel which seems to keep you permanently distracted according to Fundamentalists of any kind and most Republicans.

Anyway it's a different life now since you threw the cards of my life against the wall leaving me to pick up the ones I chose. So, let me go ahead and say that while I question your methods, thank you for Sarah, the girls, my children, the Carnival of friends, the college reunion, and not having the faintest notion of what I'm doing. Or how I'm going to pay for it.

Again, and I hate repeating myself, but I'm really counting on this master plan of yours ...

OK, I'm back.

Why did you wake up so many people to get on Face Book at this time of the day? It's crazy! And you're leading them to post really stupid stuff. Seriously? This is in the master plan?

As you already know, it's time for me to go the Breakfast Club. I could use some more coffee. And I want to see what Whitley did last night.

Thanks ... I guess ... for dragging me out of bed at 4 in the morning. I have no idea how this helps anything but you're God and know much more than I do.

We'll talk again soon.

Ummm ... but next time, let me call you.