Off Island

"You have to get up!" the Mother screamed from the bottom of the staircase. Her son covered his head with his pillow and shifted his body to ignore her bellows. "Get up now!" she screamed again. "You're going to be late for Church." Grabbing a second pillow, he stuffed it against his ear and tightened the covers around his body. "Do not make me come up there!" she screeched. Exasperated, he sat up and yelled, "Give me one good reason why I have to get up!" "You're the Priest," was her answer. "Shit," he muttered as his head returned to the pillow. This was a favorite story of my long departed friend Father Vernon Robertson. He was an impish man, bordering on being a Hobbit, with short grey hair and a Devil's smile. Ordained by Pope Paul VI, Vernon loved Mother Church with everything within him. Me? Not so much. Though I did love Vernon with everything in me. I have to go Off Island today which is rarely a pleasant experience. Vernon's story popped into my head while I was having coffee at the Breakfast Club so I suppose he's up there somewhere making fun of the fact that I have meetings in Savannah. Tybeities is the dreaded fear of crossing the Lazaretto Bridge. I have a particularly bad case. "My life's goal is to figure out a way to finance this lifestyle," I once explained to someone who asked what I do for a living. This lifestyle is being a Beach Bum. "I love living on an island and vacationing on another island," I describe myself on Face Book. The other island is St. Martin. But today there are obligations to meet. Meetings that may lead to money, a visit with the Tax Man, and we may as well stop at Wall Mart while we're off island because God knows The Three Wise Men stopped there on their way to buy something for the Baby Jesus. It sucks though. I suppose I should count my blessings. I have to leave the island so that I can come back on it. My Dad once said, "When you hit the Tybee road and cross the Bull River Bridge, it's like this giant door slams shut on the rest of the world. When you get to Tybee you're in a completely different universe." Dad taught me a lot about living right and he was certainly right about this clump of sand. I can hear he and Vernon arguing in heaven now. They'd be laughing like they always did whenever they were together ... at my expense. Anyway ... I gearing up and taking preventive medicine for the trip across the bridge ... a screwdriver. Almost time to go ... dammit.