Zombies

I've known a lot of Zombies in my life. They're not much fun, stumbling through their existence without any real purpose other than sucking the life out of those who happen to be too close. The vast majority of politicians are Zombies as are the bulk of people who go to Church. Certainly most bankers are Zombies. They want far more than they're willing to give. At the same time, I am surrounded by people I love who are obsessed by the walking dead. My beautiful daughter Chelsea and my brilliant daughter-in-law Marie spend a great deal of time preparing for the impending Zombie Apocalypse. Nancee, me favorite waitress at the Breakfast Club, has a book about defending yourself against Zombies. D-Luv and Sandi became Zombies in the movie Abraham Lincoln and Zombies which we watched last night. "Does Dee get her head cut off?" Cassidy asked. "No," Sarah and I mumbled because we were riveted by the incredible acting performances we had the privileged of watching in High Def. "Awwww," Cass sighed. Maddie and Laurel don't like the idea of Zombies or D-Luv being one so they stayed the hell away from it all. Well ... except for the couple of seconds it took Dedra to stumble across the bridge to Fort Pulaski in an attempt to eat President Lincoln. Dee and I have never really discussed politics but I assume she is anti-Republican because she wanted to eat a President. At the same time, I really don't care. "She looks good," Maddie exclaimed. "I think that makeup really works for her." Sarah, Cass and I all agreed. Regardless, I've met way far too many Zombies in my life and try to avoid them as much as possible yet they keep intruding into my life. Yesterday I got letters in the mail from both Mitch Romney and Michelle O'Bama ... both Zombies ... both wanting money for nothing in return. Michelle is by far the better looking Zombie though Mitch has better underwear. The Board Chair who chooses to remain anonymous is a Zombie. In my opinion Jerry Rainy wouldn't know life if it hit him in the face so he tries to take everybody elses. Every single person who works for a television news channel is a Zombie having sold their souls to be broadcast nightly. My current favorite television Zombie is Kris Allred Possman who got tired of being dead and used the "F" word to describe what it's like. She got put on Zombie suspension but she's back now ... though she's lost a little something. We live in a world mostly dominated by Zombies. It's a sad state of affairs. That's why I spend so much time on the Beloved Back Deck trying to stay away from it all. At the same time, Zombies are said to have originated on the coasts of Africa and in Haiti ... both beach communities ... which makes me wonder ... Do Zombies Surf? ... on Tybee Island mornings I see Zombies on Paddle Boards looking like a bunch of crippled Jesus walking on the water ... the entire Tybee Island Parking Services is staffed by Zombies ... Doc's Bar host a nightly gathering of Zombies for cocktails ... and Tybee Island City Council meetings are restricted to advanced Zombie meetings. Alright, it's a nice Hump Day. The sun is shining. The Sky is blue. The breeze is light. All of my kids are good. Sarah is snoozing away. Goddess seems happy and Winston, the little gay dog, seems especially gay today. But I've got this feeling that I can't shake ... Zombies are coming ... sometime today. I'm ready. I have a tan. They're whiter than most white people. Besides, Laurel learned how to do the dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller on the boat this week so she can keep them at bay with her incredible Zombie dance moves while I grab Sarah's hand and we get the hell out of here.