Climbing Zen

One of the ways that I've changed or grown is I'm much more Zen like than I used to be. Maybe I'm simply as laid back as it gets. Nothing much rattles me any more. I rarely get angry as its just not worth the energy and hardly ever helps. When things happen I have a tendency to let them. I absorb whatever is going on around me.

It certainly wasn't always this way. I was driven, intense, righteous and knew exactly what I wanted and when I wanted it. Patience was a foreign and unwanted concept. If anyone could change the world, it was me. I attacked life determined to mold it into the things I wanted.

A lot of things happened.

I accomplished everything I wanted only to have it become too much to handle so it handled me. Like a Shepherd with too big a herd, or a Master with too many slaves, I lost control. The things I loved scattered like sheep and the things I did my best to hold on to rebelled, ultimately fleeing away.

At first, I was full of emotion, uncontrolled and wild, tossing and turning like a ship without a rudder on a stormy sea. This led to anger and blame which finally gave way to a silent acceptance that ... this is my life.

I grew contemplative, almost prayerful, taking notice of the things I still had ... Goddess, a back deck, a sad little holy dock, my children and a handful of friends.

During this time I discovered, or rediscovered, new friends ... Fran, long dead, returned and taught me green again. The Internet spewed up lost friends from my past. The handful of friends miraculously transformed themselves into a perpetual carnival. Sarah came home.

It changed me.

In reality I think I just accepted the change. I embraced it, dancing ... absorbed it which is the way of Zen.

Sarah reminds me that some of the old ways still stick to me, remaining part of who I am. I remain quick to do things for others in real time, often at her expense or mine. I easily slide into another world, exclusive of others, often facilitated by music, writing or staring at the stars. There is a tendency for me to go to places I've already been rather than opting new adventures.

And the things she says are mostly true but I am very mindful of the struggles of people I care for and balance it with quiet contemplation. Every day is a new adventure and last year we visited places I'd never been, learning new things though I do hold on to favorite places and things.

I accept them ... absorb them ... see where they take me ... feel how they change me ... knowing full well that when I finally finish the climb to the top of the mountain, or fall to the bottom of it again, there is only one thing left to do.

Keep climbing!

Because there is no other alternative.