Saving Myself

Maddie was the first one to point it out at dinner several weeks ago.

We're eating and talking as families do when she says, "You're different on the weekends."

"I am not," I counter defensively.

"Yes," she muses with uncanny maturity for a 13 year old, "you're not as nice or laid back as during the week."

"It's true," Sarah agrees.

"What?" I ask.

"I think on Thursdays you get all pumped up to play at the Nursing Home and then immediately get preoccupied focusing on Bar Church and ... on Sunday afternoons you're pretty wiped."

"Yeah," Maddie concurs.

It is true that I get preoccupied sometimes and that, emotionally and physically, I give everything I've got to the inmates of the Nursing Home and at Bar Church.

Given that Ministers often minister at the expense of their families, I start
watching myself to make certain I'm not slighting Sarah or the girls.

I thought I was doing great until yesterday when Sarah sighs, "You're slighting me and girls."

"I am not," I fire ... and immediately hear my own voice ... it's louder and harsher than normal ... it's got an edge.

The rest of the night I focus very hard on being attentive and loving to each of them ... until Cassidy the 8 year old and I get into a "Mexican Stand Off" over something stupid.

Now I confess that Maddie and Sarah are right.

It's ironic because I left the pressure cooker world of corporations and politics for a Beach Bum writer life and now find old habits die hard.

I naturally grow intense and demand perfection when I "perform" acts of ministry ... which isn't ministry at all ... it's performance ... and it's at the expense of my family.

It's funny because I've been there before and I sure as Hell don't ever want to go there again.

I am far too much in love with life now to not work hard to enjoy it with everything inside of me.

On this Sunday I'll ask forgiveness from those I've slighted ... do my best to not perform at Bar Church ... and save something of myself for Sarah and the girls when I get home.

After all ... saving yourself really is what Church is all about anyway.