Living and Dying

"Some days you feel you've lived too long ... the days drip slowly on the page," (Bruce Cockburn).

It's one of those days.

I seem to be miss stepping, miss speaking, miss the mark in what I mean when I write, miss planning, miss firing and missing the dreams for today.

Inside of every old person is a young person wondering what happened?

I don't feel old ... too in touch with the little boy inside ... but things aren't quite working out the ways I've imagined.

It's been a large and crazy life so far.

It would make a great mini-series on a cable network where there's plenty of room for intrigue, politics, sex, cussing, betrayal, and incredible achievements leaving everyone scratching their heads wondering ... where did that come from?

That was then.

This is now.

When I wrote "Tour of Homes" ... in retrospect a book where I'm saying goodbye to lots of things and lots of people ... I was very captivated by the "in-between."

People often get caught "in-between" ... jobs ... houses ... destinations ... loves ... life and death ... belief and unbelief ... we never expect to but we do.

I've been fortunate enough in my life to have lots of homeless friends who are the most in-between of all ... and they taught me ... you either wait it out by doing your best ... or you die.

Other's are pretty certain what you should be doing but ... I was always amazed at how my homeless friends knew when it was time to move up or move on ... regardless of what everyone was telling them.

I find myself in that place.

On the one hand I'm more loved than I've been ... frustratingly so for those who love me ... more content and at peace than I've ever known ... happy to simply be.

On the other hand I'm frustrated as Hell ... things that worked before aren't now ... faith and will power used to be my perfect combination but now act like oil and water ... and I WANT MORE than what I've got ... not so much for me  but for those who love me.

Perfectly in between is pure Hell.

It's time to either move up or move on.

I'm not ready to move on yet.

There's too much to live for.

I'm not quite sure how yet ... but that's never bothered me before ... the question's with who?

I've cast my lot and I have no more to cast.

It really does boil down to faith ... and keep doing the things I believe ... because if you believe in love ... which I do ... then it all works out.

Or I die trying.

And if it's death, I'd rather it happen as I try  to do the things I believe ... be who I am ... and love back those who love me.