The Darkness surrounding the Light

 

These are discouraging days.   

When you're discouraged we're encouraged to take the long view of things and gain perspective.

Well.

Here's what's got me perplexed.

People who have "Whipple" surgery come through it changed, which makes sense given the numerous original body parts cut out, others left refitted for immediate use with one-third of my organs gone so I am certainly not the same.

If that's not enough, every 28 days a shot costing $27,000 is injected directly into my ass, and it's full of hormones that wage war with logical thinking! 

The problem is I think I'm the same as I was before and, while it's plain as rain to others I'm not.

I still see myself as the jovial carefree lover I've always been and, in my head anyway, I'm as happily content as I've ever been!

That's my version of reality and I freely admit the use of all natural ingredients to treat my Cancer and this certainly is a contributing factor to how I see things but, truth is, I am consumed by unintentional,  irrational emotions and act mean.

It's difficult to understand these things when I spend all of my time being Jovial, carefree and full of love!

This is where the battle between the darkness and light commences.

Depression comes easy for those of us fighting cancer.

And those giving up their lives to be our caregivers.

Sarah and I have a plan we've stuck to since the very beginning.

Treat me like always.

We deal with Cancer when we have to and the rest of the time pretending it's not part of every day.

When there's an issue with that, I smoke Pot.

So far, this approach works pretty good!

Woo but fighting the darkness is a whole other matter and, while Pot certainly takes the edge off, it doesn't stop the constant onslaught of dark thoughts making a pattern for depression to consume the life out of us before I even die.

At least now, I'm lucid enough to be aware of these things because Sarah loves me enough to give it all away and care for me, by being strategic when to point out my unintentional irrational emotions and when to let them slide.

Eventually, through lots of hard, hard work on both of our parts, I am aware now of the darkness that's grows and it's discouraging.

Che breezes home from the "best day ever!" at Kindergarten and as she snacks playing games, I review her papers and find this picture.

The back story is Che attends Gymnastics at the YMCA and excels at everything except flipping on the rings. 

It's her darkness right now, frustrating her in class, leaving her unsure about herself even continuing.

So it's with great surprise that while at school, on the day she has Gymnastics, our 5 year old Love Child is getting herself mentally prepared in advance, hours before she's to attend.

"I can't flip yet but I will!" she visualizes.

Then she draws it so she can feel it, touch the lightness of flipping through the air, breaking the rules of gravity and aerodynamics, so she can fly!

Well Hell, if our little girl can face her worse fears, Sarah and I will too.

"You can't have light without a dark to stick it in," we used to say in a Church in a bar because we know all about darkness and out of her own struggles, Che lights a candle we need right now.

I'm in awe of her and appreciate her gift of determination.

I can't keep doing this, I sometimes tell myself.

But I will!

"I believe, Lord help my unbelief," but I think our Love Child's got this!

Sarah puts the picture on the fridge where it casts off a soft, warm light in the darkness that surrounds us.