The Last merry little Christmas

 

 Just a short month ago, when I took Lainey, our Dalmatian, for a walk, she'd drag me around and if I fell, she'd lick my face until I pulled myself back up.

Today, I stumble to the scooter Sarah bought and drive pulling Lainey behind.  I can't walk it anymore even though she drags me, should I get out and try to do anything. 

It sucks.  

After almost 6 years though, I've grown very comfortable that today is my last, and I better make the most of it while I can.

It's the way I think now.

If I wake up at midnight, a couple of hours after I went to bed, and as soon as my eyes open, I think, "I get to do it again. Every day's a gift and I have today!"

No thought whatsoever is given to tomorrow, or next week, because there is only today. 

It's Hell on planning because it's really one day at a time.

We're asked to do things or see someone, and our response is always, "Check with us that day because he may be too sick to do anything. It's one day at a time. Today's not that day."

We say that a lot because more than often, whenever plans are made, they don't happen because I can't handle it. 

Home becomes a prison for Sarah and Che, constantly caregiving, ever watchful of my decline and nervous because it can all end at any second. 

I realize how blessed a man I am. 

We’ve endured anything and everything that cancer could throw at us, and it's thrown a lot.

"How is your husband still alive?" a client Sarah's visiting asks. 

"I don't know," Sarah smiles exhaustively. 

I certainly don't know. 

For almost 6 years I've lived with cancer and have absolutely made the most of it! We celebrated my life when we wanted, not waiting on me to die first.  

All of the things we've done during this time was nothing short of a long series of miracles orchestrated by Sarah. It's been good. 

Now it's  just living today, one day at a time, the best I can and that's what I try to do. 

It's got its challenges because my mind gets cloudy, I'm easily confused, I'm always freezing and I keep losing weight because I can't bring myself to eat. 

Sarah weighs more than I do, easily picks me up or holds me up as I try to walk, so at least I'm lighter for her to carry 

Right now, I'm trying my very best to not die until after Christmas and New Year's because Che would have to carry that forever. 

We don't have it in us to do much for Christmas Day. It will be an intimate, holding hands under the table, sort of whatever Christmas is going to look like. 

I'm excited for it, in spite of the context, the cancers, and a mysterious timeline as to when. 

I'm excited for the future I won't be here to share with them. Sarah and Che talk about where they might live, who's nearby, and the places they're going to visit. I love listening to them talk about it. 

Life goes on. 

That's our holiday, a merry little Christmas with no rhyme or reason, other than a family desperately hanging on to one more day. 

                     🎄🌲🎄🌲

My Celebration of Life delightfully lingers but is coming to an end. Help me make sure Sarah and Che will be fine without me.  

Please consider being part of their future at https://gofund.me/ffda4f4b