Saturday, August 2, 2014

Now

Salt hangs in the air and there is no breeze.

Gnats and no-see-um's hover around me as Van Morrison sings Hymns on the Beloved Back Deck.

Fran's thousand shades of green drip with wetness though she's as lovely as ever, tactfully quiet and, as always, incredibly supportive.

Goddess wanders in and out of our home full of sleeping girls trying to prioritize who needs her most ... me or them?

Sarah and her daughters win as Goddess has positioned herself halfway between our bedroom where my wife slumbers and the girl's rooms, ready for whatever happens first.

The night was bothersome with me tossing and turning, worried I'd wake my wife, endless thunder booming in the distance and a militia of frogs croak about starting a Revolution.

At 3:02 in the morning I kiss Sarah's head and wander out to the deck.

Light rain falls on a warm summer night with no humidity.

There's no moon but stars play peek-a-boo behind the clouds.

The choir of cicada sing.

Half-an-hour later, I'm tossing and turning again, listening to the  thunder, watching the lightning and trying not to wake Sarah.

Light bubbles from the ocean so I kiss Sarah again, stumble downstairs to the outdoor shower where rain mixes with hot water as I lather, shave, wash and dry on the porch.

Then I'm off to the Breakfast Club for coffee and communion before returning home to the quietness of a home full of sleeping girls, a dog who loves us and Fran's watchful eye.

The island is more lush and green than I've ever seen it.

So is the future.

So is now.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Talking with the Dead

Get back to where you once belonged?

Who says you can't go back?

Personally I've done both and it's just not that satisfying.

Going back to old places or meeting old friends rarely recaptures old magic.

That's why we tell stories ... to honor what was ...but then the story comes to an end and we're left with ... NOW.

"Tomorrow's going to be a brighter day," Jim Croce sings from nowhere as I write this.

"Well where did that come from?" I say out loud, sitting on the Beloved Back Deck with Winston, The Little Gay Dog, with the house full of girls sleeping.

Let's see ... as I'm sitting here today ... asking myself questions about then ... when Jim Croce, whose been dead forever, decides to participate in the conversation.

This is why I believe in God.

These things don't just randomly happen.

Sure ... other things randomly happen ... the American political system ... Church ... most relationships ... sex ... Miley Cyrus!

But how else do you explain Jim Croce rising from the dead to say the right thing at precisely the right time to the right person in the right place?

It's God ... and Sirius XM.

If this isn't enough, Jim brings Jesus up and I'm sitting here thinking of something he said, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own" (Matthew 6:34).

How is it that I'm having a conversation with dead people in real time?

I know ... I know ... my conservative friends ... and the Republican Party ... will tell me Jesus was raised from the dead.

Tell me about it!!!

He's talking to me right now!

With Jim Croce playing in the background!

I don't want to go back to where I once belonged.

Who says I have to?

Tomorrow's going to be a brighter day.

And to paraphrase Jesus about today ... "Don't worry. Be Happy."

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Throw Back

I'm not into "Throw back Thursday" on Facebook.

I mean it is funny to see what people post ... old pictures of poofy hair and funny clothes ... but I've never gotten into it.

Besides Sarah posts enough goofy pictures of me.

Plus, I write a lot of stories about the past ... Gene Prevatt, Bill Berry (not the former drummer from REM but the other one), Guy Sales, my days as a "Professional Christian" (when I was paid to love God and others), the time at Union Mission and all of the times I've been in trouble (with my Mom, a large number of clergy and numerous elected officials).

The stories are either funny or poignant ... sometimes both.

Today I have neither.

But I did find this picture from my High School Annual.

It's a full page photograph of the one and only meeting of the Groves High School sanctioned "Greaser Club" which took place at the Root Beet Drive in Garden City, Georgia.

Gene Prevatt (that's him at the very bottom proudly wearing his football jacket) and I were inexplicably called to the Principal's office and told we were not participating in enough extra-curricular activities.

We were on the football team, and I recall Gene chasing a girl in the Chess Club, but other than that we mostly had a good time.

The Principal was threatening us to do something to further enhance the possibility of actually getting a job when we graduated.

I was really into 1950's Rock-n-Roll at the time so rather than actually join an existing club, we started our own to honor the Principal's request and enhance our chances of actual employment.

There's a lot of famous people in this picture and looking at it now ... it reminds me of the album cover for "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band" ... except it's a throwback to the 1950s.

That's Mark Stewart standing on top.

That's me sitting on top of the car with my arm around Debbie saluting the school.

I remember my Mom being pretty mad about the whole thing.

Thank God that's over.

Anyway ... for whatever it's worth ... Happy throw back Thursday!

Just keep telling yourself, "Tomorrow is Friday! Tomorrow is Friday!"

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

To Hell with ... Hell!

If Hell is as hot as it is right now I won't have any problem acclimating.

Besides I've already been to Hell and it's not all that.

I know ... I know ... my conservative friends are saying, "Oh you just wait till you die and really go to Hell! Then you'll know what it's really all about?"

Whatev's ...

It's funny when I write about religion because while lots of people read it, no one's really got much to say ... except ... that I'm going to Hell.

Nobody ever holds up a finger and yells, "GO TO HEAVEN!"

They stick up a particular finger yelling "GO TO HELL!"

When did Hell become so popular?

"Go to Heaven for the climate," Mark Twain quips. "Hell for the company."

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the Saints," Bill Joel adds.

I resonate with both sentiments.

Besides I don't have to go to Hell.

It comes to me.

"Hell is portable," Guy Sayles once told me. "You don't have to go to it. It comes to you."

I think most people, even the conservative ones, can agree on that.

If others aren't putting us through Hell ... we're perfectly capable of doing it ourselves.

And the sad fact is ... WE DO!

Satan's got to have the easiest job in the world!

Well, I'm not having anything to do with it and as far as I'm concerned, Satan can go straight to Hell ... though I'm not sure that makes any sense.

The point is we're all pretty hard on ourselves ... and that makes no sense either!

Why in the Hell do we beat ourselves up when we'll really just doing the best we can?

So ... to Hell with Hell!

I'm going to enjoy the Hell out of today!

I'm not going to give myself Hell and, to the best of my ability, I'm not going to give anybody else Hell either.

I am just going to enjoy myself ... who I'm with ... where I'm at ... what I'm doing ... the temperature ... the absence of shoes ... or clothes ... the conviction God loves me ... flowers are blooming ... my friends are doing okay ... and I feel pretty good.

You know ... without Hell ... it's pretty heavenly.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Jesus: The Rolling Stone Interview

Recently we caught up with Jesus Christ on his way to save a troubled soul that he asked we not divulge though he did agree to answer several questions. This is the first published interview with Jesus since Thomas the Apostle (aka, Doubting Thomas) conducted one and I'm honored to be the first in over 2000 years to do it again.

He wanted to meet on the Pier before he walked on water to his appointment dressed in a white robe with a red sash. Blond hair was neatly coiffed, as was his beard, and his steely blue eyes carefully considered every question before answering.

Jesus, thank you for making time for this. Everyone knows how busy you are so let's right to the questions. Beatles or Stones?

"I love 'Sympathy for the Devil' by the Stones. That song always kills me! And 'The Girl with Far Away Eyes' makes me laugh out loud. But ... it's The Beatles! They bring a Hymn like quality to most everything. So ... yeah it's Beatles all the way."

So were the Beatles really more popular that you?

"Oh sure! For a while anyway."

Speaking of Hymns, what's your fav?

"Wow! That's a good question. Well ... I know it's not 'The Old Rugged Cross' ... cause that thing hurt like Hell! ... 'Jesus loves me' is really a manipulative request to get me to always look the other way ... but I'd have to say 'To God be the Glory' because it really is all about God ... oh! ... and 'Let it Be'."

Thanks for opening that door. We all know that God is the Father but who the heck is the Holy Ghost? Your brother? Some long lost uncle?

{Jesus laughs}. "We do have an unorthodox family tree. The answer to your questions are ... 'Yes.'"

Fair enough. Okay, next question ... How do you feel when people thank you at the Grammys?

"I don't really like much of the new stuff these days. It's mostly just MUZAC! The last time I really cared was when Helen Reddy won for 'I am Woman, hear me roar.' That was some good stuff! I suppose it's nice that people thank me but honestly, I think it's mostly crap."

Praise music is very popular in today's church services. Do you like it?

"It's kind of like Mick Jagger isn't it? Holding up hands and dancing around ... it's a lot like church ... if it makes people feel better I'm all for it ... but it's nothing I especially care about."

We've run out of time and I know you have to go but ... one more question?

"Sure but make it quick."

Thank you.

"Who wins the next Survivor?"

Monday, July 28, 2014

Shoe Shopping

I blew out my flip flop.

Literally!

Strolling across a parking lot, I step with my right foot and drag asphalt and the damn thing simply blows up.

So ... today we're going shoe shopping.

I happen to be married to the world's greatest expert on shoes and bargains ... well, at least she tells me they're great deals and she should be "Professional Shopper" ... but I'm not really listening to her staring at the pile of shoes she bought for her 7 year old for school ... specifically I'm wondering how in the Hell Cassidy can possibly fit another pair of shoes in her closet which already looks like Calcutta!

Not that it really matters because ... I'm not a big fan of shoes.

Certainly I have some ... four pair Sarah got me which I occasionally wear in the winter when my feet are cold ... a pair of black ones that match the Tuxedo I no longer wear ... and my flip-flops ... because if one must wear shoes they should be flip flops.

But now mine are blown which obviously call for ... Margaritas!

Besides, Sarah's already told me the plan.

We'll ride our bicycles up to "Funky Fish" which has an excellent selection of Flip Flops and I'll purchase a pair.

Then we're done.

Sarah will want to stay looking for bargains or telling me how good I'll look in this or that but I won't pay her any attention.

We have other things to do today.

As soon as I get her shoes off.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Chester's Gift

"Hey Rev," the old man weakly says from his hospital bed, "I got a present for you."

He'd been moved from the wards at old University Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky where I was the "Professional Christian" in charge of an inner city church.

Pulling the sheet away, exposing skinny white legs and feet, he beams "Lookie."

The long, gnarly, yellow toenails I'd last seen on his feet were gone.

I was mad as Hell at him when I'd seen them, ripping disgusting clothes and shoes off his body to throw him in a bathtub.

He'd been sick for a while, living in a Sunday School room converted into an apartment, and though he hadn't drank alcohol in a few years,  Chester was suddenly acting like it.

"You got to get out of bed," I yelled grabbing him, "and move around. The Doctor said so."

But he threw up so I tore clothes off his body, threw him in the Baptismal Pool that serves as the community bath tub and am appalled to see his toenails hadn't cut in years.

"I can't reach that far," he shrugs falling in the water.

I was mean to Chester those days, grabbing him first thing every morning though he screeched in pain, and made him walk the hallways of the church ... because the Doctor had said so.

It was when I learned you can't always trust Doctors.

When I'd taken Chester to the Hospital his Physician gave him a tired, obligatory once over and asked me if he was a drunk.

"He used to be," I reply, "but now he's my babysitter. He also keeps the coffee peculating 24 hours a day for homeless people. He flies around the country giving speeches with me."

I loved Chester.

He was a beloved figure at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, on the streets of Louisville, and at the Jefferson Street Baptist Chapel where we lived.

Once we gave a speech in Mississippi and Chester had the audience of several hundred eating out of his hands.

"Where'd you learn to speak like that?" I ask as we're carried to the airport.

With his crooked grin he replies, "Awe, preaching ... panhandling ... it's all the same."

He was my partner in crime for years ... until the decades on the streets caught up with him ... and a bastard of a doctor told me to make him exercise every day ... a diagnoses without an examination.

Chester howled in pain as I listened to the Doctor.

A week later he went to the Hospital for the last time.

He was so proud of his toenails, laying there smiling and asking me what I thought.

"Who sawed them off?" I ask pulling the sheet back over his pasty white skinny legs.

"It took two of them," he replies.

I nod and grab his hand ... which is cold.

"I'm tired Rev," he mummers.

"I know," I say ... not knowing what else to say.

"I love you," he whispers.

"I love you too," I say.

A few hours later, I'm still holding his hand when he burps and a vile black mud dribbles down his chin ... his tired blue eyes stare at me ...smiling the crooked little grin.

"Awe Chester," I cry.

A nurse appears from nowhere and wipes his face ... and the image of Mary Magdalene washing the blood away from Jesus flashes in my head.

Then the nurse, a large black woman with a child's face, takes my hand out of Chester's and holds onto it ... then she kisses my hand and tells me, "Everything's alright."

And it was.

An old, homeless, street drunk dies a beloved man.

And the last thing he ever did in life was give me a present.

To this day, I can't forget it.

  

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Religious Abuse Survivor

"I come at religion from the dark sides," I say to Joey Finch on a hot, sunny Key West afternoon.

Bill had wandered to the finish line waiting on Sarah to finish the 5K race so Joey and I had time to talk alone as good friends do.

"I know you do," he answers very quickly.

As a survivor of religious abuse he can say any damn thing he wants on the matter ... but he's sincere wondering how I believe after living through so many ... dark things.

Faith takes hold in the dark places is how Celtic Christianity puts it ... roots grow in the wet dirt and blooms above ground ... but you can't have a resurrection without a death.

I've seen lots of deaths.

The first I personally touched was Florence Bryson, an old mean ass, not-quite-homeless woman who wore several coats even in the summer and had a son named Elvis, who looked nothing like the King.

Elvis made money taking cigarette packages and elaborately folding them into picture frames he sold on the street.

Florence smoked all the cigarettes.

They lived together in a one room walk-up around the corner of the church I was inexplicably the 24 year old "Professional Christian" in charge of.

I didn't know anything, except we're all supposed to love each other ... and that's hard as Hell with so many unlovely people in the world ... like Florence and Elvis.

Florence would see me on the street, start cussing, throw cans at me, kick and punch ... all because I was the nice Christian guy ... like the ones who'd lied to her before.

Homeless guys seeing her attack me, rushed to my defense, pulling her away as she viciously bit them, always leaving her mark, before snarling, cussing and walking away.

Then one day she grabs me on the street, sobbing, pulling me towards their walk-up room where Elvis lay crumped on the floor.

Tears flood down Florence's leather face as I face a dead person for the first time.

Homeless men watch it unfold and fly into the room asking, "Rev! What is it?"

Florence buries her head in my chest, sobbing like I've never heard before.

After that, she was different as any Mother would be having lost her son.

"Hey Mr. Mike," she said in a little girl voice and we hugged.

She never allowed anyone to touch her before but now ... Florence taught me the power of hugs.

A few months later, on an early Sunday morning as I cooked breakfast for homeless people, I was summoned to the one room walk-up because something was wrong.

Storming the stairs three at a time, I found Florence laying on the bed, dressed in three overcoats and a skull cap on a hot summer day ... her feet still on the floor and both arms reaching towards Heaven.

Bursting into tears, I laid her head in my lap and asking God "Why?"

There's nothing just, right or Holy about a mentally ill, poverty stricken woman who'd lost her only begotten son ... dying alone in a rat infested one room walk-up on a hot summer day.

I remember God didn't have anything to say in response.

All these years later, I still haven't stopped asking.

And Florence was the first of many who taught me that love can happen anywhere ... in any circumstance ... and with the unlikeliest of people.

And if God is love ... well maybe that's the answer.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Santa in Key West

{He}, for most I think, is an odd mix of big tender heart, & giant ego striving for humility.

I love that line!

So I'm blatantly stealing it from Santa himself.

Santa John Driggers is in Key West right now and if you don't know him you should. 

Let me confess that I've never actually seen Santa but ... I believe in him.

I know others who claim to have actually seen him and I believe them too.

I write Santa letters ... well ... instant messages really ... and he responds to every one.

Santa and his wife Jenny are into Kayaking during the summer and she's pretty tan in a bikini but he's white as snow.

Santa's also more religious than I thought, shoots guns, vigorously defends Veterans, and can do flips off of Pontoon Boats.

He's hard to not like.

Of course everyone likes Santa anyway.

He wanders into a Waffle House and everybody stops eating because ... it's freaking Santa!  

Santa believes that Jesus rides shot gun with him in his pickup truck and who am I to argue?

I sip wine with my Guardian Angel on the Beloved Back Deck.

Maybe one day Santa will let me sit between him and Jesus in the cab ... that'll be fun.

Anyway ... I really love this present of a line.

A big ol' tender heart and giant ego striving for humility.

That's me too Santa!

And I'm really glad I fall down on your side ... though I don't shoot guns, go to the Waffle House, or do flips off Pontoon Boats.

Plus both of us have HOT wives!

Well I don't mean to bother you when you're on vacation but I want to say how much I appreciate you all year long and not just in December.

Let me be honest again!

I hate freaking winter!

But I do love Christmas.

And I love you too Santa.

I hope you and Mrs. Jenny have as much fun there as Sarah and I did last weekend.

Ho Ho Ho!

... it probably means something else in Key West.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Tybee's Passed the tipping point

There are no parking meters in Key West.

At least none that I saw.

Tybee Island must have bought them all.

You can't pee on Tybee without being forced to stop.

Or the police pulling you over.

In Key West, where there's an "open container law" ... you can wander around with an open container and the police won't bother you unless you're a nuisance ... then they'll pull you aside and tell you to go home ... and unless you're really crazy they'll let you ... and only as a last resort will they arrest you.

On Tybee there's no "open container law" but ... the police ticket first ... handcuff second ... Taser when given the opportunity ... and pretty much function as a Militia overthrowing a small country of beer drinking tourists and locals with dogs.

Customer service is a foreign concept on Tybee.

In Key West, cops politely answered questions, smilingly and laugh as part of the crowd.

On Tybee ... it seems cops only smile when they meet quotas ... or laugh when they make arrests.

In this economy, the only people making money are already rich ... or work for the Government.

The Government is the fastest growing industry in the United States and somebody's got to fund it and ... that's mostly us.

Government ... like business, institutions and churches ... exist to perpetuate itself.

Government accomplishes this with ... fees, parking tickets, citations of every kind imaginable, stop signs and a Paramilitary Police force with the endorsement of a Banana Republic administration and as much money as it wants.

For 30 years, Tybee's been a cool place to live and during this time people said it's how Key West used to be.

Having just got back from Key West, I can tell you Tybee Island's nothing like it.

It's more like Israel attacking the Gaza Strip on a nice sunny day.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Aruging with an Angel

"HEY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I NEED YOU NOW!"

The Palm Tree with the oyster face, coconut bra and grass skirt smiles but says nothing. A billion stars twinkle overhead and a symphony of waves crash in the distance. Salt sticks to my skin in the hot summer night. It's a silent night ... holy night.

"HEY!" I yell again. "NOW WOULD BE GOOD!"

"I'm busy," an Angelic voice sings out of nowhere.

"I DON"T CARE!" I snap.  "I NEED A MOMENT."

"What?" my Guardian Angel asks, appearing out of nowhere looking like a Prostitute on a good night.

"Oh good you're here," I sigh sitting down at the table on the Beloved Back Deck. "We need to talk."

"I'm busy," she says thrusting a lit cigarette tip toward my face.

"I don't give a shit," I snap. "You're my Guardian Angel and I frigging need you."

"Hold on," she sighs and disappears.

Drumming my fingers on the table, a habit I have when I'm anxious, I wait.

"What?" she asks, appearing in front of me with a tall boy Pabst Blue Ribbon and shot of bourbon in a glass. One wing is broken, her white robe is dirty and her black hair hangs limply around her pasty white shoulders.

 "What took you so long," I snarl impatiently.

"I was busy," she sarcastically sings then takes the shot.

"Well don't be so bitchy," I shoot. "I need to know something."

"What?" she asks rolling her eyes, taking a drawl from the beer and then from the cigarette.

Moisture fills my eyes as I stare at the heavens and my voice cracks as I speak. "So listen ... I think I'm praying more than I ever have ... I mean really praying ... not in public ... but in bed ... all frigging night ... laying there tossing and turning ... and nothing happens ... it's just quiet."

"DUH," she says adjusting her robe so it doesn't fall over her shoulder too far.

"I could really use a little help here."

She stares at me for a long time through a halo of cigarette smoke before coughing, hacking up a logy and spitting it over the side.

"Yes?" she hisses.

"I mean I got lots of stuff," I rush explaining. "How we gonna keep going? I got a wife with kids and I have to take care of them."

After a long moment of silence she lights another cigarette and asks, "Yes?"

"What do you mean 'Yes'?" I snap.

"Do you love them?" she asks as though she's helping me fill out a Driver's License application.

"Well yeah," I answer.

"Do they love you?" she asks as though she's bored out of her mind.

"Yes," I snap.

"What the Hell do you want from me?" she says standing.

"I need some assurance that every little thing's gonna be alright?" I snap getting in her face.

"Did you just quote Bob Marley?" she laughs.

Embarrassed, I admit I did.

"It is," she says placing a dirty hand on my shoulder.

"Well," I say needing to justify a 911 call to my Guardian Angel, "What about Guy Sayles? That's just not right!"

"Yeah," she says crushing the beer can on the table, "I really do need to get back to him."

"So ..." I begin.

"I told you I'm busy," she smiles flashing yellow teeth. "Go back to bed and feel the love."

A billion stars blaze on a hot summer night with a symphony of waves crashing against the shore. Salt layers my skin and the Palm Tree with the oyster face, coconut bra and grass skirt is smiling.

"Well then," I say facing her.

And I swear to God, the Palm Tree winks.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

No Beer Today

Jim Morris wrote a song about sailing to the island of Antigua with a buddy and, upon arrival, want to celebrate with beer.

Unfortunately it's "Election Day" and all the bars are closed so everyone can vote more soberly.

A wonderful day in the islands suddenly becomes a sad affair.

Most Election days are.

Like today's "runoff" election in Georgia.

None of the candidates could muster enough votes to win on the real Election Day so "We The People" are forced to pay for another opportunity to support people who've already proven they can't win.

It's hard to get excited about the lesser of two evils.

Besides everybody knows regardless of who's elected they're going to run off with something ... or someone ... which is why it's called a "Runoff Election."

It's not to say I'm not patriotic, don't vote or have a lifetime of political experiences ... because I am, I do and I have!

Later today I'll ride my bike to the Old School so I can say hello to my neighbor Art who will ensure that I'm a citizen of the United States with a valid Government issued Identification card and verify I actually live here.

I'll stroll over to the voting machine, insert the yellow card, hit the screen and stare at the names of people I don't believe in anymore.

Maybe I'll follow Johnny O's example and vote for Roma as a write in candidate.

She couldn't do any worse than the candidates lurking behind Door #1 and Door #2 and she'd sure as Hell be more entertaining!

Then I'll coast back home and, having fulfilled my civic responsibility, grab a beer, plop down on the Beloved Back Deck and listen to Jim Morris songs.

On Antigua that day, a bartender took pity on Jim's plight, snuck them in the back door of the bar and sold them a case of beer for "only $55 bucks."

Regardless of who gets elected today, they're going to cost us a lot more.

Monday, July 21, 2014

My Stained Life

"He wears that on a plane?" she asks in a thick New York accent.

Sitting in the lobby of the vacation rental in Key West, I'm staring out of the window not paying attention and assume she's talking to Sarah.

"He dresses like that all of the time," I hear my wife explain.

Looking down,  I'm wearing a stained, white, "Full Moon Party" tee shirt from "Latitude 32", black running shorts and flip flops.

"And they let him on the plane?"

She has dyed flaming red hair, an orange and black Safari outfit and lots of jewelry that rattles when she talks.

Sarah nods, admitting her disbelief and says, "They do."

Shaking her head, the woman shifts her focus to the clerk explaining they'll need assistance unpacking all of the things packed for her dog.

Having my sense of fashion accosted doesn't phase me.

Men wearing bathing suits that fall past their knees are obviously projecting they've overcome other ... deficiencies.

Women wearing outlandish designs or tons of gaudy jewelry are too.

I'm okay projecting stains.

It's not like my life hasn't had them so I may as well wear them well.

Divorce ... getting mad in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person ... occasional lies that always make things worse ... failing to do what I'd said I would ...

Yeah, I got stains.

But ... my "Full Moon Party Latitude 32 tee shirt" remains mostly white.

Like me.

I do far more good than bad ... have pretty good timing saying the right things ... am almost always honest ... and carry through on whatever I say I'm going to do.

I've got to live with it all so I may as well wear my life with as much dignity and pride as possible.

It's better than pretending everything's perfect, great or awesome when the next person has as many stains as I do.

"Even the righteous of God," wrote the crusty old Saint, they got stains too, "for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

We may as well be honest about it with each other.

Then we get another shot at the glory of God. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

A Key West Night

Stumbling into our room, thunder booms in the distance and just as we collapse on the bed we hear a loud POP and everything is dark and silent.

Meaning the air conditioner stops and it's 91 degrees at midnight.

An emergency light blinks so I crawl out of bed and wander outside to the tiny deck we share with three older ladies on a "Girl's Weekend."

Key West is covered in blackness as the rain began to fall though I can make out the silhouettes of the Palm and Banyan Trees.

The weekend girls are still on their Pub Crawl.

The world is silent as I return to Sarah in the bed.

"Imagine the crowd at Irish Kevin's," I laugh, "hundreds of people plunged into darkness."

"Or trying to get down the steps from 'The Garden of Eden,'" she giggles.

Duval is crazy tonight, proving to be much too crowded for us ... besides we'd already enjoyed it earlier in the day, took naps, met up with friends and celebrated life.

The air conditioner roars to life and Sarah's asleep in a nanosecond.

Crawling out of bed, I wander outside again and Key West is covered in a blanket of starry lights and I hear "crazy crowds boogie to the sounds and the lights."

"Thank you," I say out loud before returning inside for the second time, slipping beside my wife.

Now Sarah sleeps late, still recovering from the race she ran cheered on by Bill, Joey and me, while I chat over coffee with the ladies on their "Girl's Weekend."

We return home tonight where decisions loom, work waits, school starts and fears are faced.

But we have today and one last visit with Joey and Bill, a walk around together holding hands ... perhaps a swim in the Gulf ... a last toast at Irish Kevin's.

Then it's to the hard stuff!

Well ... except for the secret plan we have with Johnny and Judy O for tomorrow night.

That comes first.

Then it's on to the hard stuff!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Key West Futures

"Irish Kevin's Bar" is one of our favorite Key West experiences.

When Sarah and I can't decide what to do we wander inside, grab a high top table and become part of the show.

Musicians have lots of interaction with the crowd and laughter floods the bar between really good songs.

After checking into our quaint little room, we make a quick run to Fausto's for groceries then head straight to Irish Kevin's where we spend two hours laughing.

Climbing the stairs to "The Garden of Eden" we have a cocktail and people watch before heading back to the room to cool off before our friends Joey Finch and Bill Bray pick us up for dinner.

There's a tiny back deck we share with three ladies here for a Girl's weekend. It's completely enclosed, has a table and chairs under an umbrella, Palm Trees, a massive girl and a hot tub.

I have no idea why we have a hot tub in Key West where the air's hotter than the water but it's one of the quirks of the island.

Of all the places Sarah and I've been we find ourselves happier here.

We laugh more, love more, communicate at deeper levels and enjoy everything in richer ways.

Later sitting on the curb waiting we laugh as Joey and Bill slowly drive down Petronia Street for the drive to Stock Island and Hogfish's Restaurant where we have ... Hogfish!

Between feeding leftover fish to a cat, we share deeply as friends do on warm nights in a marina restaurant with live music and lit by the Milky Way and stars on the water.

Joey drives us to their place and Bill shows me Shiva and his guitars and we continue to talk into the night as good friends do.

Now I sit on this tiny patio with a hot tub and three older ladies in nightgowns on a "Girl's Weekend" as Sarah lay in bed sending text to Martha who's also here.

We've been in Key West less than 24 hours and it already feels like a lifetime of wonderful things though we've learned a lot about ourselves ...

from the palm reader on Duval ...

where I learned I'm going to be fertile until my late 70s, will never drown or come to an unnatural death ...

and Sarah learned that she is stubborn, stubborn, stubborn (seriously he told her three times as soon as she turned over her palms).

"That guy's full of shit," Bill told us later. "It's a sham. I can do a better job."

"I don't know,' Sarah and I both say in wonderment, "he seemed to be spot on."

Sure enough today Sarah's been stubborn and won't get out of bed and I'm feeling particularly fertile.

I guess we'll have to compromise.

Then we'll do it all again.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Key Wasted

Had I found Key West earlier in life, I'd still be there.

Living next door to Joey Finch.

But then I never would have met Sarah.

It makes one stop and ponder ...

Regardless, today Sarah and I are heading to Key West today to see Joey Finch and Bill and it just doesn't get any frigging better.

It all works out in the end.

I should be writing but I'm rubbing Sarah's firm tan leg, having just spent the free drink tickets John Branigin gave us, watching the water get lighter and lighter out of the plane's window.

Burning the last of our miles, this flight costs us $10 each.

Savannah to Atlanta to Key West.

No wonder the airline industry is messed up!

Fly north to fly south?

I have to ask Angela Barras Brackett about this.

She runs the Savannah/Hilton Head International Airport (an oxymoron if there ever was one!).

It doesn't matter, Angie's doing the best she can.

Actually I had little to do with the purpose or planning of this trip.

Well, except I told Joey we'd be back soon.

This is Sarah's trip

She signed up to run races ... knows I love Key West, Ernest Hemingway and Joey Finch so she signed up and we're on our way.

There's no real point to this story, other than what I've already said.

So ... in conclusion ... have a really good weekend!

And if Angela gets the international part of the Savannah/Hilton Head Airport actually meaningful ... come join us!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Bad Wedding Story

Charlie Sherrill and I are performing a wedding ceremony together at a farm in the country.

Charlie is an extremely talented saxophone player and entertainer who blows magic. He's a soft soul, incredibly charismatic and generates love even in the seediest of bars ... or churches.

Dressed cool and beach like, he wears purple floral shirt, white cargo shorts and sandals.

I wear the black minister's robe I bought for $10 from a Preacher going out of business.

We're conducting a service together at a farm off a dirt road in Bulloch County, Georgia ... far from the beach both of us call home.

It's also our first "Butterfly" service.

The assembly has been given small boxes, each containing a yellow Butterfly which is to be released when I pronounce them husband and wife.

Do you know that Butterflies don't like to be confined to boxes?

Charlie and I didn't.

Neither do the gathering of family and friends.

When Charlie softly blows his sax ... we can't hear a damn thing for the sound of a hundred Butterflies wildly ramming themselves against the tiny cardboard boxes.

He plays louder which seem to infuriate the already pissed off Butterflies so they try harder to escape drowning him out.

With his sweet countenance, Charlie looks at me and shrugs his shoulders.

I scream wedding vows to the top of my lungs.

"WHAT?" the Bride asks.

I scream louder.

Charlie shrugs his shoulders sympathetically and pretends to clean his Sax.

I scream louder and the couple say they "do".

Holding my hands up, I yell with everything in me "I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE!"

Over a hundred people cheer ... open up the little white containers ... and over a hundred Butterflies drop dead on the ground.

There's dead silence.

Two yellow Butterflies survive the horrific ordeal, floating together to get the Hell away from the wedding as quickly as possible.

Everyone looks at me to bring an end to the service.

I look at Charlie ... who shrugs his shoulders.

"You may kiss your Bride," I say ... not knowing what else to say.

Dead yellow Butterflies are everywhere as he kisses her.

Charlie sweetly blows his Sax as I rip off the robe and rush to my car.

He looks at me as he plays with eyes asking ... "Where the Hell are you going?"

I shrug my shoulders, get behind the wheel and leave a cloud of dust on that country dirt road.

A few days later Charlie and I are in Doc's Bar where he's the main draw and we burst out laughing when we see each other.

"Think they're gonna make it," I ask?

Charlie shrugs his shoulders and I laugh.

Grabbing me, he says, "Those poor Butterflies."

"Damn poor couple," I say as we hug.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I wish I spoke "Frog"

I'm listening to a choir of frogs.

It's an overcast morning, hinting of rain with a breezy blast of salty air from the ocean.

Sitting on the Beloved Back Deck with Winston, The Little Gay Dog, who desperately wants me to let him inside so he can snuggle with the sleeping Sarah ... the chorus of frogs are deafening ... harmoniously so.

I've got lots to do but I'm not doing any of it.

It's been a crazy week ... the exhausting kind ... and I'm determine Sarah sleeps as long as she damn well pleases ... which is why Winston, TLGD, sits in exile with me.

Plus the frogs have obviously put a lot of practice into this performance.

I'm not overthinking things but sit here appreciating the moment ... and the choir's performance.

"Stress makes you believe everything has to happen right now," is something our friend Chuck Courtenay posted on Facebook, "Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God's time."

I'm not one of those who believe that God sits in the sky pulling strings to make things happen according to some plan but ... I believe Chuck's quote is right.

Sarah and I have been struggling with God's timing.

We get the stress part ... things need to be happening now! ... and we know what they are ... how can God not know what they are and when they need to happen?

But they're not.

So what do you do?

We have faith things are going to happen ... we just wish it was now.

But it's not.

This choir of frogs have me wondering if God's trying to me something.

Why else would they be bursting in song this morning as I sit here pondering things, protecting my wife and trying to figure out Divine Plans that obviously conflict with ours?

Oh well ... what do you do?

I let Winston, TLGD, inside and he darts to snuggle with the sleeping Sarah while I tiptoe back to the choir of frogs.

I wish I spoke frog.

I'm pretty sure they're telling me something.

I hope it's ... when.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

My wife and the cop

What do you do when the police are called on your wife?

There I stand, wondering about the whole "serve and obey" concept in wedding vows as I help clean up crap left behind by HER tenant in HER house.

Actually I'm trying to remember what exactly Samuel Adams, who plays damn good music on Tybee Island with some regularity, said when he performed our ceremony.

I wasn't listening.

Sarah wore a white dress, luminous in the moonlight on the beach, and she may as well have been doing water aerobics with the way things stood out.

Sam may have had me promise to make chocolate chip pancakes every Saturday morning or to return all her library books for her (which really is full time employment).

I don't know ... my thoughts were bouncing like my eyes as she stood before me.

Unlike now as she stands before a cop.

She looks good ... wearing shorts and a tank top ... sweat glistening on her tan firm body ... beautiful blue eyes flashing laser brilliance ... buttocks tightly clinched ... intensely focused on getting her points across ... which she obviously is from my vantage point.

Sweat pouring from my body as I'm witness, I have to stop working and get a grip on myself.

The other person talking to the cop is the lady whose furniture we're moving out.

She showed up wanting her stuff but sat on the staircase rather than help which, of course, drew the attention of my wife.

I've never seen a volcano explode but ... certainly it's very similar to what Sarah did.

"Get off your lazy ass and help us get your stuff out of my house," is how she politely began.

The poor woman couldn't take it, wanders outside and calls the cops.

"Hey," my beautiful daughter Kristen, who is helping us, exclaims, "I know that cop. He used to live with us. I wish Sarah would shut up! I can handle this."

Nodding my head in understanding, I hug Kristen and say, "Aw baby there's no shutting Sarah up once she's making points. Let's just watch? You ever seen a nuclear explosion?"

From the upstairs window, we watch the woman slither away.

The cop remains intensely focused on Sarah's points.

My wife turns around with a wicked grin ... as though she just scored the winning goal of the World Cup.

"Oh Shit," I yell, shoving my daughter to the stairs and picking up a broom.

Sarah storms the stairs like Sherman taking Atlanta.

"Oh hey honey," I sing. "How did it go?"

She has a beatific smile ... that says it all.

The rest of the day was pretty damn good.

 

Monday, July 14, 2014

Today's Miracle

Well!

Thank God that weekend's over!

It started out poorly on Friday ... grew progressively worse on Saturday ... Sunday landed with a splat ... and the whole affair ended with thud.

Everyone was in a bad mood and try as we collectively did to improve things ... nothing worked.

To radically alter everything I proposed ... er, I  mean mandated ... that we go out to dinner at a favorite restaurant. 

Everyone dressed up ... looked great ... and we drove into town ... to celebrate each other surviving the weekend ...  only to have the worst waiter every hired.

To say "he sucked" doesn't begin to describe his demeanor, pushiness, avoidance of detail and complete lack of understanding of the concept of time.

He was handsome though.

Drinks and dinner eventually came and the setting was right for everyone to enjoy each other ... except we didn't.

Everyone took turns being mad about something ... there was a little yelling ... and at least one punch was thrown.

In the hour we were there, one went to the bathroom three times ... and though I didn't keep track ... she was likely in there longer than she sat at the table.

When dinner mercifully ended, we dropped the girls off at their Dad's house.

"Well that was terrible," Sarah sighs.

"Yep," I concur. "Thank God it's over."

We drive home in silence individually contemplating the existence of God.

Then a miracle happens!

Home alone, Sarah and I grab hold of each other and call upon the name of the Lord.

When we woke up ... everything's better.