Laughing till I die

Let me begin by being honest.

I am freaking funny!

I crack myself up!

It's such a shame other people don't know ... or can't appreciate it as much as I do.

Mitch Wesley comes pretty close.

Bill Berry, not the former drummer for REM but the other one, used to share it with me and be just as funny but ... I don't know what happened ... he grew up or something .... has grandkids.

Now my son Jeremy still gets it. Put us together and we're funny as Hell mostly cracking each other up! It's a great and magical gift when father and son can constantly make each other laugh.

The girls don't get it at all.

After saying something wickedly and brilliantly humorous in a deadpanned delivery, Maddie ... the genius yet utterly clueless 14 year old who knows absolutely everything ... looks up from her cell phone and says ... "Wha???"

Sarah mostly shakes her head and, if I'm lucky, walks away ... if not, I get a lengthy explanation of why "That's just wrong!"

My Mother scolds me ... "Why did you write that?" Don't do that again! And stop cussing! You're better than that!"

Let me tell you something.

It's hard to be funny these days.

It's no longer appreciated, honored or revered in America!

Well unless you're elected to Public office ... then you're funny as Hell but have no idea how funny you are ... because you're taking it too f$CK!NG serious ... and the thing is everybody's laughing at you and not with you.

These days you can be sued for pulling off a really good practical joke!

It's just wrong and I'm not going down without making a joke about.

I work for Compassionate Care Hospice!

Doesn't that just kill you?

It kills me.

Anyway ... I gotta go.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

That's me right now.

Nobody's Easter

 All my preacher friends ... Professional Christians all ... are giddy as Hell today.

It's Easter!

Attendance is the biggest of the year, collections are huge and orgasmic preaching is going to happen.

I learned about "Orgasmic Preaching" at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Preaching Class under the wise tutorage of Dr. William Tuck.

"When you're in that moment when the word of God is flowing through your veins, into your heart, filling your lungs and pouring out of your mouth into the thirsty souls of your congregation ... it is orgasmic."

"Excuse me Sir," I interrupt after his great delivery, "am I to understand our goal is to engage in sex in the pulpit and it's a threesome between God, the congregation and the Pastor?"

I don't recall Dr. Tuck's answer but I can still vividly see his face ... as I can those of my fellow soon-to-be Professional Christians ... who obviously thought I'd just shattered several Commandments, several Cardinal Sins and a couple of dozen venial ones.

Good Christians aren't supposed to talk about such things.

I've never professed to be a good Christian.

I'm getting ready for Bar Church and honestly I'm not expecting a whole lot.

I'm the not-so-good-Semi-Professional Christian in charge of a service where someone stole all but one microphone, the sound system sucks and our drummer's in West Palm Beach.

On the up side, people who wouldn't be caught dead in Church bring covered dishes to lay on the Pool tables, there's freshly brewed coffee and a disco ball flashes colors throughout the Bar which smells like Lysol and stale beer.

The Baptists, Catholics, Methodists, Presbyterians, Spiritualists, Democrats and Republicans didn't invite us to participate in the Sunrise Service on the Pier ... again.

All the best Christians fly onto the island before sunrise getting parking places close to The Breakfast Club before rushing to the Ocean sipping coffee in insulated tumblers to listen to old Hymns, smell the salt air, see who's wearing what and who is who before rushing back to get a seat edging out the other believers.

At Bar Church we stumble in late desperate for coffee, juice and Sam Sahr's food to fill empty grease and alcohol laden stomachs wearing wrinkled tee shirts and yesterday's jeans or shorts, our hair is askew from pillows or whoever we woke up beside.

We're not much anything.

We're not anybody.

But we are together ... sleepily forming a congregation of sorts ... some believers and some hoping just to make it through another day ... shocked as Hell we survived the last one.

They'll be no majestic Hymns, collections are a drop in the bucket and the sermon's anything but orgasmic as I tell a few stories hoping for a laugh or any sign on life on this Easter Sunday.

The funniest thing is ... well I don't know if God makes it to the sunrise service on the Pier or not ... we're not invited ... but I'll be damned if She doesn't show up here every year ... raising the dead for at least another day.

Tiny Boxes of Rage

There are those in my life ... in yours too ... who've hurt me badly, scaring my heart as they positioned themselves at my expense ... and I believed in them long after they ceased caring about me.

They're just like most people ... self absorbed takers .... desperately trying to survive their own lives riddled with self doubt, conspiracy theories about everyone they know and the shallowest of self confidence.

With names like Jerry, Lavanda, Aretha and Loren ... they pass for most everyone ... because they're most everybody.

They devastated me because they built themselves up by tearing me down while I passionately believed in them.

It leaves you changed.

Moving on through life, meeting new people, my heart still believes though my head flashes off warning singles that they're just like everyone else.

The reality is that I've taken those hurts, betrayals and hate ... because in the end that's who such people are ... unable to love themselves without hating you ... and packed them in tight emotional boxes to never be released again.

I've done my best to bind them tightly by talking to friends, therapists and Holy Shaman who tell me I'm better than that and should rise above it all.

Life's moved on but I'm more suspicious than I used to be ... less trusting.

Good things happen as life moves on and little boxes of rage I carry are overshadowed by a beautiful partner, little girls, a Church in a Bar and a job that I love.

Then ... someone falls into your life who ... is them.

Repeating old patters, I do my best, give him a lot ... too much really ... and believe with everything inside they'll return in kind.

They don't.

And the lids of little boxes of rage open as everything bad that's ever happened fills my soul.

The difference between then and now ... is I have learned when to stop giving to those who give nothing back.

Remaining on the high road ... and in the most Christian way I know ... I say, "Fuck them."

I'm not doing that again.

Jesus was only crucified once.

He was way too smart to do it again.

I'm following Jesus on this one.

I've been called worse

"U are a false preacher if U believe homosexuality is OK with Jesus."

Pretty quick answering private Facebook messages I reply, "I never claimed to be a true preacher."

But he had already unfriended me so a really good ... and true ... comeback gets lost in cyberspace only to be known by God ... should God have any desire to care about such a silly exchange.

Actually Jesus never said anything about homosexuality one way or the other.

I don't think he cared.

He had bigger fish to fry  ... like getting everybody to love each other because God is love and if you want to be with God then you have to dirty in love.

It doesn't matter if you're red or yellow, black or white ... all are precious in his sight ... including gays, straights, transgender, elected officials of any persuasion, Southern Baptists and ISIS and people who wear brown shoes with black pants.

Sure there are some anti-gay verses in the Bible ... just as there verses condemning anyone who ever committed adultery, broke Commandments or ate shell fish.

In the end God loves them anyway.

Jesus said as much.

I don't have any bad feelings about being called a false preacher.

Hell! I've been called worse.

I do feel sorry for the guy though.

He's depriving himself of all the love this world has to give ... meaning everyone in it ... and that's a shame ... because in his life anyway ... the Kingdom will never come on earth as it is in Heaven.

Good Mourning!

A girl's High School Softball dressed to kill whoever they're facing today while still looking hot for any boys who may be watching ...

A group of boys all dressed in black, totting black cameras with baseball hats backwards on their heads with fashion logos and colorful converse sneakers ...

An elderly couple watching everything except each other are having a painful conversation ... "How's yours?" ... "Good" ... "And yours?" ... "Good" ....

People dressed in orange hoodies balancing mountains of food on Styrofoam plates carefully carry leaning towers of carbs to wooden tables where toast and cereal spill as they sit ...

A sleepy genius wearing a hoodie reading "Break necks ... Kill Egos" drops the spoon for the scrambled eggs on the floor so he grabs the Ladle for sausage gravy to scoop his eggs leaving it there for whoever follows ...

The idiot coming next stands in scrambled eggs on the floor, can't figure out why a gravy laden Ladle is in a bowl full of eggs and waits until the poor elderly black Lady keeping things fresh and clean fixes things for him.

Drinking coffee and watching, partially hidden behind a tiny netbook, smartly dressed in black running shorts and a UGA tee shirt ... I'm appalled.

Virtually everyone eating or spilling breakfast ... leaving mountains of dirty plates for someone else to clean up ... stare at their phones as they shovel food into their mouths.

Half the room sucks snot up their nose while the other half seems to blow it out into napkins which they lay on top of uneaten food.

The elderly black lady is earning whatever it is she's getting paid by cheerfully smiling, replenishing the dishes and cleaning up.

No one tells her "Thank you" or responds when she wishes them "Good Morning."

So ... unable to stand it any more ... as she refills the coffee urns and cleans the spills ... I stumble over and wish her a "Great Day" ... tip her a few dollars ... say "Thanks" and walk away before she can respond.

The spoon from the scrambled eggs hits the floor again and I watch her rush over to clean up other people's messes.

A baby starts screaming and her exasperated mother exclaims, "Can't you wait till I finish eating!"

Some days, it's so easy to lose your faith even after you do your best to keep it.

Girl Travel

I'm used to traveling alone having jetted around most of the United States and half the world for work, pleasure or adventure.

Routines are quickly developed traveling alone ... where to park at the airport, where to sit while waiting, how to talk to people or not, food and bar preferences, how to be entertained or not.

For a while, my son Jeremy and I did a fair amount of traveling together ... to UGA football games or rock concerts and we also developed our own routines ... once I learned he was lying and could drive a stick shift!

I've gone to the Keys with my daughters during Daddy/Daughter trips and while Kristen stayed on her phone the entire time with her boyfriend, Chelsea and I called the Vatican one night sitting beside the pool in Key Largo because we needed to ask the Pope something.

1-800-VATICAN.

The phone rings but no one answers.

The most enjoyable travel these days is when Sarah and I get to go somewhere alone, which hardly ever happens, but we have tremendous fun because everything is a brand new adventure and we exploit the Hell out of it making up for lost time.

This trip ... it's me and four girls.

Sarah, Maddie, Laurel and Cassidy are redefining travel fun ... primarily because I've acclimated to their travel values which consists of inspecting the hotel ... scoping out the boys ... hitting the pool ... leaving all manner of clothing scattered around the room ... eating out ... sleeping late ... waiting until the last minute to eat breakfast and ... getting ready.

I used to be in a hurry, get frustrated, react unnecessarily and ask God why this is happening to me?

Then something of a miracle occurred.

Yesterday, Sarah's honking the horn as she, Laurel and Cass are ready to go but Maddie and I take our time.

Maddie is the beguiling 14 year old genius who knows everything but balances it by remaining clueless.

Honestly I don't believe I'll ever be the last person ready to leave until Maddie moves out which, if everything goes right, is in three years.

But despite the cost to every hotel room we've ever shared, the girls have taught me to ... relax and enjoy.

There's too much hurrying in life as it is!

There are too many rules.

So what if it takes 28 hotel towels to dry off after 15 seconds in the pool?

Traveling should be enjoyed!

And you know what?

I'm enjoying the Hell out of this trip.

Spirit Surfing

Last week at Bar Church I did something I've always dreamed of but somehow it never happened.

Unlike most Churches, it's impossible to plan Bar Church.

You never know who's going to show up or what's going to happen and while we try to do a weekly Bulletin it's impossible to assign order to chaos.

We just go with the flow ... surf in the Spirit ... or wait to see what's going to happen.

So last Sunday, Davy the drummer was a no-show preferring West Palm Beach to Tybee Island ... Lona Crask took her guitar and mountains of equipment to care for dying mother leaving us to fend for ourselves ... John Iacovini's arm's in a sling so he can't bang the Congas ... Gordo's in love with Jamie up north somewhere ... apparently Samuel Adams has been raptured ... and no special guests were scheduled.

Leaving just me.

It sucks to do "Church" by yourself ... no matter what they say.

It takes two or three from what I hear.

Mary shows up to help set the Bar up for Church ... a couple of hung over guys wander in needing coffee and aspirin ... John with one good leg makes his way from the Campground bringing his great smile ... Sam Sahr rushes in with mountains of food to lay on the Pool Table ... Tourists wander in looking lost ... gays and straights ... white and black ... precious and not-so-much in my sight eventually fill the place up.

It's hard to pinpoint when Bar Church actually begins.

Ten-ish ... Island Standard Time ... is how I explain it ... meaning it begins when it happens ... normally a little after Sam Sahr arrives with the food.

And I did a solo gig with a pattern of telling a story to introduce a song ... like a one two punch ... the stories were great ... the songs were my favs ... the crowd hung on every word ... and I had a Hell of a good time!

Nobody walked out and there was lots of laughing and clapping.

Even Dedra came back from the dead to see what was going on.

As soon as we finish the Bulletins arrive and are distributed.

I'm glad it happened this way because God only knows what's going to happen this Sunday at Bar Church.

Not Dead Yet

"How do you do it," he asks.

"Do what?" I reply taking a sip.

"Work with dying people?"

"They're not dead yet."

"But they're dying."

"From the day we are born we start dying," I say now gulping the wine.

"It's depressing," he sighs hugging his beer. "I couldn't do it."

"Aw, you're just scared of dying," I say putting my arm around his shoulder.

"Aren't you?" he squeals.

"Well, I'm not in any hurry for it to happen but ... it's part of life."

"IT IS NOT!" he exclaims, "you die when you stop living."

"Exactly," I smile.

"What?"

"What you said ... you die when you stop living."

"WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?"

I realize my friend is an idiot.

"When you stop living you die," I answer shaking my head.

"Everybody knows that!" he snaps.

"You're the one who asked," I reply returning to the wine.

"What do you mean by that?" he demands slapping his beer on the counter.

"If," I answer, "for whatever reason ... health ... mental health ... the people around you ... where you're at or where you're not ... you decide to stop living then you start dying."

"What?"

"Yeah some just it faster than others."

He shakes his head and guzzles the beer.

"My dying friends remind me every day to enjoy the Hell out of now! Who knows how much 'Now' I've got?"

"You're not right," he says standing to leave.

"Probably not," I agree, standing. "I've got to go too. I have a lunch date with a lady in a Nursing Home who wants to shake the place up."

He rushes out the door never appreciating her lust of life ... as she slowly dies.

A Different Sunday Morning

Cassidy, the 9 year old, sleepily stumbles into kitchen where Bon Jovi's blasting "Raise your hands" through the ear buds as send Monty Parks his birthday present on Facebook.

The world stops and as the sun blazes through the Palm Tree with the Oyster Eyes, Coconut Bra and Grass Skirt as I whip the buds from my ears and pick her up.

"What are you doing up sick girl?" I ask.

"Apparently being picked up by you," she answers laying her head on my shoulder.

It makes me laugh. I'm trying to teach the girls sarcasm which is beyond their capacity to comprehend because they're all "literalists" so this constitutes a major step forward.

"I'm hungry," she coos.

"I'll fix the Cinnamon Rolls," I say putting her down.

"No, I don't want any," she says. "It'll make me sicker."

All the girls in our house are sick.

"What do you want then?"

"Fruity Pebbles."

"Of course, that'll make you feel better."

I fix her a bowl and she sits across the table above my computer screen.

"I don't want you to go to Bar Church today," she slurps.

"Yeah," I sigh, "well I have to."

"Oh," she sighs in her little girl way and my heart breaks a little.

"Can we go to the Dunes today?" she asks.

"Yeah if you're up to it."

Sand dunes break the chilly ocean breeze and the sand, sun and solitude are warm and toasty for working on our tans.

"Can we get in the water?"

"Not a chance in Hell," I answer.

The water's cold.

"Okay," she says munching a mouth full of Fruity Peebles. "I'm just going to sit here with you."

And she is.

A Sunday morning hasn't been this nice in quite some time.

Finding Musical Common Ground

Lately I've been reading ... when I read rather than write ... biographies of the rock stars who were so significant to influencing who I've become.

George Harrison, John Lennon, Neil Young, Linda Ronstadt, Johnny Cash, Eric Clapton, Carly Simon, Graham Nash, Bob Marley ... it's a big list.

Driving home after retrieving Maddie, the 14 year old who knows everything, we listen to "her" music ... mostly "Spoken Word" recorded over a monotonous computer generated drum beat and an occasional other instrument.

She dances and gyrates in her seat just like I did all those years ago, singing along, knowing every, mostly profane word.

"Is every song about fu#king?" I ask her.

"Yeah," she replies rolling her eyes.

"Hmmm," I shrug because, God knows, I've got nothing against sex, drugs and Rock-n-Roll.

"WHY IS IT SO LOUD?" Maddie screams.

I cannot understand the child as I pick her up from school blasting Derick & the Dominos "Why does love got to be so sad?" from the Bose speakers through the open sun roof and rolled down windows.

My music's loud.

Hers is repetitious, rhyming raps about ramming and relieving one's self in a raspberry tart.

I struggle to remain open minded.

I like sex as much as anybody!

It's especially good with music.

I wish Maddie's had some.

But her generation finds value in it in ways I can't appreciate though I try reminding me of my Dad trying really hard to find common ground with me as I blasted "Why Don't We Do It In the Road" on the radio in the 69 Impala as he drove me to School.

Praying to ourselves

Sitting in the back of the bus surrounded by Southern Baptist Ministers making our way back to Louisville from Washington D.C. which we had failed to save.

Everyone wore three piece suits with their vest unbuttoned to relax except me.

I wore blue jeans, Hushpuppies, a plaid button down, sock tie and corduroy jacket with my feet propped on the seat in front of me trying not to burp.

I sucked down a couple of beers before getting on the bus and didn't want to burp on the fact with my ... peers.

"Let's pray for our country," sighs the Pastor of the Lyndon Baptist Church.

"Why?" I ask covering my mouth.

"So that the Lord will intervene and again use our country to glorify the Lord," he booms.

I burp.

My peers eye me with grave suspicion before bellowing, "WE NEED THE LORD TO INTERVENE!"

"I don't know guys," I say sitting up, "I think he already has."

"We need God to do it again!" they spit demandingly.

"It's hard to do anything twice just as good as the first time," I explain.

Buttoning their vests to go to work on one of their own, the Pastor of the Highland Baptist Church asks, "Just what do you think prayer is?"

"I dunno ... I think it's pretty much us talking to ourselves and hoping God's listening. I think it's pretentious to always be asking for something when God's already given us everything."

A long moment of silence follows before the Pastor of the Beulah Land Bible Baptist Church exclaims "You're not one of us! The Bible proclaims God will deliver unto us everything we need."

"Yeah, yeah," I wave him off, "but not everything we want."

The Pastor of the Colgate Baptist Church ... home of the brightest smiles under Heaven ... starts to pronounce me a pagan and a Heathen but the other stop him as they all move to front seats on the bus.

"What's prayer?" asks Frederick Buechner.  "It's shooting shafts into the dark. What mark they strike, if any, who's to say?"

It's reaching for a hand you cannot touch.

The silence is so fathomless that prayers like plummets vanish in the sea."

You beg.

You whimper.

You load God down with empty praise.

You tell him sins that he already knows full well.

You seek to change his changeless will ...

Yet ... Prayer is the wind that fills {the} sail. Else waves would dash {us} on the rocks, or {we} would drift with witless tides.

And sometimes, by God's grace, a prayer is heard.

Almost Time

According to a reliable source ... Facebook ... Al Sharpton will leave the United States if Donald Trump's elected President.

Of course Russ Limbaugh apparently said the same thing if Obama were elected but he's still here.

Lots of people say such things but they don't mean it.

On the other hand, I'm ready.

Belize ... San Salvador ... Costa Rica ... the littler Caribbean Islands ...

It's sunny and bright here but there's a chill in the air which I'd just assume never experience again.

Government's out of control in America ... from the insanity of Washington D.C. to the retirement community/police state of Tybee Island ... and it's getting worse with no end in sight.

So called "Leaders" are anything but pretentious pretenders.

I've done my stint trying to make the world a better place and though we did lots of good, everything comes with a cost and thirty years of saintly work has left me cynical and weary of intolerance.

I'm ready to step back to a simpler, more trusting time where winter comes, the Ocean is aqua-blue and clothing's only occasionally necessary.

We can't do it right now because of responsibilities we're committed to fulfill mostly centering around divorce decrees and little girls.

But there's an excitement bubbling inside of Sarah and me about what's coming!

It can't get here soon enough but dreams take time to become reality.

We're completely finishing our current dream real before shipping off for the next one ... which we can see ... almost taste ... just over the Ocean's horizon.

Facebook Praying

As a semi-Professional Christian (I only do it on Sundays) I've noticed people increasingly straying away from Church and taking their prayers to Facebook.

I've been reading lately because ... it's important to stay on top of the latest Christian ways to follow Christ.

Like ... "Jesus I'm on my knees asking where I'm needed and wanted."

Now that's funny.

Or ... "This dog was badly burned and disfigured trying to save his family in a house fire! 1 like = 1 prayer ... 1 share = 10 prayers."

Holy Jesus!

"Dear Lord put your arm around my shoulder and your hand across my mouth."

Well ... Amen to that one.

"Please God... Thank You! for .... Sorry about .... Are You sure I should... Ok, You got me there ..."

Only God knows what the Hell this is one's about.

"Oh Lord please don't let me fu*k this up."

That's an honest prayer.

I could go on but apparently if I don't share this with fifty other friends I'm going to Hell today.

It's not all that.

I've already been.

But Holy Mary Mother of God ... or Holy Baby Momma ... there are some funny prayers on Facebook.

Because if you take it to Facebook you're like Jimmy Swaggart who once said, "If I don't preach today, millions are going to Hell."

Which leads me to say my prayer for today ... "Jesus Christ."

 

Better Days

In a recent study it is noted that "Getting out of bed sharply increases risk of things getting even worse."

Hoo-boy!

Some days it is certainly true!

I know many who believe it's best to simply remain in bed until somebody drags them out or ... they have to pee so badly they get up ... though honestly some are so adverse to things getting worse they simply pee their beds.

I'm okay with mornings and believe every one is a chance to start over, regardless of how bad the last day was.

Some days are continuations of the previous one and if things are great ... well ... it's wonderful.

If things are bad however ... it makes you want to go back to bed and wait to start over on another day.

We all have them.

When they happen, I think it best that in spite of what's happening, it's not going to last ... remind myself to try to learn what got me here so I can do my best to not repeat it and remember God's still gifted me this day to live.

Lot's of others aren't so lucky.

So I try to repair my wrongs, enjoy what I've been given, appreciate what got me here, put myself in a position to celebrate better days.

It's either that or slowly die in a pee stained bed.

The Burning of the Tree

I finally burned the Christmas Tree last night.

Yep ... the one from December.

First Sarah allows me to keep it up and decorated in our house until after the Super Bowl ... the official end of the Holiday Season.

In spite of the brown needles, the aroma of Christmas wafts through the rottenness of January into the first full week of February ... then winter's almost over ... and who really gives a rat's ass about winter.

Well ... except for Bill Berry (not the former drummer for REM but the other one) who lost his mind a long time ago at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary ... along with lots of other up-and-coming "Professional Christians" ... who loves snow.

And the girls who love ice skating ... outside ... on actual ice ... which is C.O.L.D. ... but I retain high hopes they will grow out of it.

Anyway ... after taking the Christmas Tree down and throwing it on the Beloved Back Deck, I wait until it's warm enough to actually sit outside and burn it.

Yesterday was such a day.

The windows are open ... the sliding glass doors are too ... so I cut up the Christmas Tree and burn it in the fire pit.

Just like Jesus and the Little Drummer Boy commanded us to do in the Bible.

Christmas Trees burn with a SNAP ... CRACKLE ... and POP ... unlike ordinary trees.

I hate giving up the Tree but am very excited about Spring and warm weather so it makes everything better.

So happy burning of the tree!

Merry Spring to all!

Summers almost here!

An Honest Church Belletin

I wonder if God gives a damn the Bulletins aren't done in time for Bar Church.

It's my fault.

I'm supposed to email whatever's inside to Mary by Thursday but life's awful busy these days and I didn't get it to her in time.

Honestly I've always been a bit suspicious of Bulletins anyway.

Worship officially starts at 11:00 on Sunday morning ... white people over there ... black people on the other side ... God forbid they mix ... and while you can act religious prior to worship beginning it's not real worship until 11:00 ... thus the Bulletin tells me so.

I always thought it would be funny to do a Bulletin like this.

11:00 Worship Begins

11:01 Sing a Hymn

11:05 Have a Prayer

11:12 Join the Pastor in saying "Amen" ... allow for 10 more minutes of praying if the Church is African-American, Pentecostal or Southern Baptist.

11:13 - 11:25 Announcements ... meaning ... you're going to be hit up to do things for free that the "Professional Christians are paid to do."

11:26 - 11:30 Another Hymn

11:31 - 11:35 Special Music ... meaning ... the good stuff's happening ... at least as good as the Church has to offer ... it's sort of "God Idol" instead of "American Idol" ... some Churches got really good stuff ... others should go home before even trying.


11:35-11:40 While really sappy piano and organ music is played ... the offering plates are passed because nothing is free ... you have to pay for the sermon before you hear it ... unlike tipping ... you gotta buy something you haven't heard yet ... and it's often God awful!

(Now ... in my Bulletin ... this would happen.)

11:41 GOD ARRIVES

(The reality in Church Bulletins.)

11:41 The Sermon

11:42 People get fidgety, check out the legs of the girls wearing dresses ... the asses of boys ... I-phone ... read the rest of the Bulletin ... stare out the stained glass wishing it will all be over soon.

12:00 - God knows when ... it's over.

12:01 - God knows when ... Postlude.

Now that's an honest Church Bulletin!

Everything's pretty much true except what happens at 11:41.

Why Not? It's Free!

"Why are you here?"

"I'm the Chaplain."

"You don't look like a Chaplain."

"Thanks."

"I don't care about that stuff," she snarls. "I ain't religious. Church is a mean place that ain't never done good for me. I don't want it. I don't want you."

"That cool," I shrug.

It's important to know what you don't want in life so you can back into what you do want ... everyone's got their own way doing things.

She's old and dying ... bitter and angry about it ... full of regrets ... pissed at God and everybody else ... loving daily cocktails of morphine and Vodka.

"Well," I say standing to leave, "you sure you don't want me to pray with you? It's free?"

"Ain't nothing free," she snaps.

"This is. The Government's paying for it."

"What?" she asks sitting up in her chair and lighting another cigarette.

"Medicaid," I answer. "It's part of the package. But if you don't want it ..."

"No," she snaps. "I want everything I can get."

"You sure?"

"You damn right I do."

So we pray.

Give me your song

"I have to choose the songs for my funeral," she says.

"Beatles or Stones?" I ask.

Making a face, the 105 year old lady gives me a look of confusion, followed by an intense death stare by one who is dying.

"Elvis?"

Sitting up in bed and grabbing my hand she snarls, "I hate Elvis."

"Sinatra?" I whimper ... giving up.

"Why don't you get a truck and draw a crowd?" she sighs.

"Seriously?" I laugh ... it's an old saying ... if you want to draw attention to yourself ... get a truck ... stand in the back ... preach ... and draw a crowd.

If you're good.

"Why don't you pick a song?" I suggest holding her hand in the Hospital bed in her living room.

Struggling ... making faces under askew white hair ... she confesses, "I can't remember any."

"I'll fly away," I offer.

Her face lights like a blazing star and a hundred years evaporates leaving a glimpse of who she was.

"You like that one?"

Nodding, she says, "I don't want no sad, dumpy songs."

"It's your funeral," I reply squeezing her hand.

"My family don't like to talk about it," she whispers.

"They don't have to come."

She giggles.

"Listen," I say standing up but leaning over speaking softly in her ear, "I can't pick all the songs. It's your funeral ... not mine. Next time I see you ... give me your song."

"I'll try," she replies sipping water from a large straw.

"Alright," I say kissing her forehead. "Don't die before you give me your song."

"I won't," she laughs.

"Holding you to it."

Shaking her head, she smiles ... struggling to remember a song.

Today is Sarah's Day

She takes my breath away.

Strolling from the kitchen to the Living Room where she sits reading a book, legs curled up underneath her, wearing ripped jeans and a blue "Hoodie" and glasses ...

Venus de Milo comes in a distant second to Sarah.

Every single day she does something to give me pause ... even when she's doing nothing at all ... or driving me crazy by talking things out and it takes six times saying the same thing ... or reading a book curled on the sofa.

She drips beauty.

At dinner last night with friends and a table full of kids, she kept catching my eye, giving me pause, making my loins stir in a public place ... giving me happiness by listening to others talk ... or occasionally letting me catch her eye ... and sharing secrets only we share.

Later I share the sofa with her as slowly slumber until it's time to help one another to bed.

In my life, there've been broken bones, a ripped heart, a lost mind ... on more than one occasion.

Today ... Valentines of all days ... I'm happily healed, with a cup that runneth over and extremely focused on the present.

It's because of my wife.

Who gives me pause as she takes my breath away.

Name Calling

I've been called lots of names in my life.

It doesn't bother me.

Once I was in the City Manger's office of a small island community arguing over being charged double for our water bill for three years.

The issue was the City believed the girls rooms downstairs doubled as an apartment Sarah and I rented out for extra income.

If you have girls ... especially three of them ... there is no such thing as extra income ... girls suck it out of the air before you ever make it out of work.

Regardless, aforementioned City Manager pressed my credibility as a sayer of truth by shaking her head and signing, "And you're a Baptist Minister."

"I been called worse," I fired back.

The City Councilman sitting to my left, spun his head towards me and busted out laughing.

The Mayor, sitting to his left, shook his head and suppressed his grin.

Water bills are a big ass deal on this small island community with a Government near the size of Atlanta.

The matter was resolved out of court and we're co-existing happily ever after.

So being called names doesn't bother me.

Sticks and stones and such.

But this morning Cassidy, the 9 year old, stumbles into the kitchen, blond hair askew from her pillow, dragging her blankie, and says, "Daddy ... I mean Micheal."

It gives me pause.

I'm not or ever will be the girls "Daddy" but there are days I'm pretty damn close.

In spite of the names the girls call me ... and they call me many ... they mostly call me "Micheal" ... though sometimes it is so filled with love and appreciation ... it leaves me without words.

Only feelings.