Lyrical Thinking

My friend Kyle Shiver has pointed out the obvious noting that I think and speak in song lyrics.

It's true.

Once in Seminary I wrote a paper on how Bruce Springsteen songs are a natural continuation of the "Psalms" in the Bible.

I was sent to the Dean's office ... again ... for failing or comply with Southern Baptist Theological instruction.

But it was with great glee a few days later, when Professor Donoso Escobar ... who had previously sent me to the Dean's office for calling him a "whitewashed Christian" because he didn't allow me to quote "Liberation" theologians in his class ... told us to write a paper on anything Biblical.

My topic was "Biblical Harems."

"Mr. Elliott," Dr. Escobar said when I announced my topic, "nobody's written about that yet. How do you plan to approach your topic?"

"With gusto," I truthfully answered.

There's actually a lot of Harems in the Bible and I studied them all ... from Esther getting whatever she wants from the King (Esther 2:13) to Solomon's 700 wives and Princesses and 300 concubines (I Kings11:3).

I wrote a great scholarly paper but needed a conclusion and couldn't think of one.

Then God spoke ... through Maria Muldauar ... on the radio.

"But you don't need no Harem honey
When I'm by your side
And you won't need no camel, no no
To take you for a ride."

Meaning of course God didn't use Harems much in the New Testament because people had gotten so much better at lovemaking.

Consequently I was sent to the Dean's office again ... though I was singing "Jailhouse Rock" the whole way there.

My Bible

On May 29, 1979 my Granddad Carver presented me with a Scofield Reference Bible.

It was the day I graduated from college and had made the decision to follow Guy Sayles to Seminary because he'd called one day saying he thought it a good idea I attend while he was there.

Though he's long dead, I still love my Grandfather passionately.

Mr. Scofield ... not so much.

We were in Seminary Chapel one Tuesday morning singing a Hymn and I was sitting with the "Bob Dylan" brigade, a group of Hippy Seminarians who love Dylan as much as Jesus so they sang like him.

"AHHHH ... MAAZZZZ ... ing GRAAAAAACE," they belted out in the nasal, monotone kind-of-singing-but-kind-of-talking sort of way.

On this day the Bob Dylan Brigade sang/spoke a much beloved Hymn but they changed the words.

"My hope is built on nothing less ..than Scofield notes and Broadman Press."

Had I not been sitting with them I would have missed the new lyric because they were completely drowned out by the several hundred pious Seminarians who sang the actual words, "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ my righteousness."

 I busted out laughing drawing the ire of several Professors sitting nearby.

The Broadman Press is the publishing company for the Southern Baptists and these same Professors had written commentaries on the books of the Bible for it.

Scofield notes appeared in 1909 and is a very fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible.

Cyrus Scofield wanted everyone to read Scriptures just like he did so he put his thoughts on the same page so you don't have to think at all about what you were reading.

Plus everything Jesus ever said is printed in red so you can't miss it.

To this day I'm not a huge fan of Cyrus ... Miley or otherwise.

Though ... had Cyrus Scofield done a naked photograph on his Bible like Miley  has on her wrecking ball ... I wonder what I would believe today?

But I'm working on something for Bar Church this weekend and grabbed my Bible to look up something and my Granddad, whom I still love passionately, was immediately raised from the dead while Sarah's gone to work out and I'm home alone.

Flipping through the Bible he gave me, there are tons of notes written in the margins and lots of Cyrus notes underlined.

My eyes grow moist.

Looking up I can see my Grandfather like I haven't in a long time.

I can hear him too.

"I never would have thought about Bar Church," he laughs because he often laughed at the way I approached faith, "but I'm proud of you and want you to do good this week. That's why I gave you that Bible."

And I baptize myself in love and tears.

Back in the Good Graces

God told Samuel Adams to tell us we need to join the band again.

Samuel Adams plays damn good live music on Tybee Island whenever he gets around to it and is the founder of Bar Church.

Bar Church is exactly what it sounds like ... a church that meets in a Bar ... has breakfast for Communion ... smokers are welcomed ... flip flops are encouraged ... cussing is allowed ... sinners find an unpretentious community of fellow strugglers ... the pious feel out of place ... and the music beats the shit out of Hymns in most "Steeples".

Sarah and I spent a the better part of a year in Bar Church as members of the Band and we had a righteous and Holy time doing it.

We helped get Sean McNally and the demon possessed guitar player Stephen Groose in the band.

There was a lot of media coverage too.

We got popular so Bar Church had to move a bigger place.

As an ordained Southern Baptist minister, once paid to believe, I'm very distrustful of churches that need bigger places but we relocated from a tiny bar to a vast one with two pool tables!

Everything was going fine until one Sunday morning we all hit the wrong chords at the same time.

Now I can bear witness to many terrible things occurring during worship ... a Maid of Honor faints and falls backwards knocking one Bridesmaid after another down like dominos ... a wedding that caught on fire during a severe thunderstorm ... naked homeless men conducting hostile takeovers of the Baptismal Pool ... a young man called by God to the ministry being ordained with his zipper down while keeling in front of the congregation ... and thousands of really putrid sermons that made you throw up a little and choking it back down.

I seen lots of bad things in church.

But that day in Bar Church God told Sam to play one thing and Sam didn't tell us so we all played something different and let me tell you it sounded like the Devil really did go down to Georgia!

Right there in the middle of the service, Sam just beat his head against the microphone in front of his face.

That afternoon God told Sam to kick us out of the band ... well, Sarah, Sean and I ... but not the satanic guitar player Stephen because God still needed him.

We were cool with it.

It was time to downsize anyway.

Now God is evidently calling again which is almost always inconvenient when you're pretty happy with your Sunday morning routines, ethics, belief system, choices of music and the joys of sex on Sundays.

But it's hard to say no to God.

Or to Sam.

We're back in good graces again.

Dammit!

Kissing Paradise Goodbye

And you can see them there, on Sunday morning
They stand up and sing about, what it's like up there
They call it Paradise, I don't know why
Call someplace Paradise, kiss it goodbye

I'd listen to "the Eagles" every Sunday morning before leaving the Pastor's Office for the Sanctuary ready to deliver God's message to those who came.

We were a rag-tag congregation of little old ladies, homeless people, prisoners, idealistic Seminary Students, kids from the Projects and the occasional normal person.

The students were a talented and giving bunch bringing good music, enthusiasm, commitment and joy balancing the sadness of the homeless people and the prisoners. The kids brought a greedy lust for snacks and a better place to play. The little old ladies watched it all suspiciously believing the house of cards would fall at any moment.

I was their Minister, having taken the job because no else wanted it and I liked the little old ladies and they liked me.

My first sermon was a "fire and brimstone" affair extolling my flock that we were going to do great things together. Resembling a coach's halftime speech when his team's losing badly, I let faith fly in the face of facts. The ladies quietly smiled having heard it all before.

Over time the place was reborn. A tired old building became a sanctuary where Sunday School rooms turned into apartments and the Baptismal Pool a bathtub. The "Fellowship Hall" morphed into the neighborhood's living room and the institutional kitchen became a "Coffee Shop" that never closed. The roof became a gathering place where we'd sit under the stars breathing the smell of death from the nearby stockyards and listening to the city cry.

The only time we resembled an actual church was during the Sunday morning service when I delivered the message. I grew fond of telling stories rather than preach which seemed to go over well. And I learned how to pray because people were constantly asking me to and I didn't want to say "No."

I was there for eight years and for a while it was a magical, holy, place of joy in one of the seediest parts of the city.

Towards the end, I had a hard time holding it all together. While the little old ladies were in Sunday School, the homeless people and prisoners sadly heard the "Good News" from enthusiastic Seminarians and the kids stuffed their mouths and pockets with everything they could ... I'd sit in my office listening to "The Eagles."

For a while, it really was Paradise.

I'm preaching today for the first time in a long while and it's got me thinking about old things. Under a tent on an island surrounded by vacationing Pirates and real life Beach Bums, I'll deliver God's message. They'll be good music, enthusiastic believers and those recovering from last night's celebrations. It'll be Paradise, at least for a little while.
_______________________________________

There is still time to register for my Writing Workshop beginning in November! Let the stories you're holding inside come to the light of day and share them with the world. Register at http://www.meellc.com/wordpress/writingworkshop/

God wants me to whack what???

Genesis 17
Micheal Elliott Revised not-so-standard version

1. Abram saw God when he was 99 years old and it's a miracle in and of itself he could see anything. Making it even more miraculous is that he  heard God too and there weren't even hearing aids in those days. Just for fun God says, "Walk this way ... you lead ..."
2. If you don't fall down or walk into anything I promise you this ... I'll make sure you have a lot of kids."
3. Of course Abram immediately fell down. 
4. "We're talking lots of kids," God continues while Abram lay in the dirt.
5. "And I've never liked your name either. We're changing it to Abraham ... it sounds more fatherly. We're talking about you having a shit load of kids."
6. "I'm making your loins machine gun powerful and not one bullet you shoot will be a blank. We're talking lots of kids."
7. "And I promise to be there for them just like I'm here for you now."
8. "You're going to need a really big place for all your kids so I'm giving you Canaan. It's very prime real estate. And I'm going to live there too."
9. "What?" Abraham says so God repeats everything.
10. Rolling Her eyes God says, "To make sure you don't forget, I want you to circumcise yourself. All your kids too. Well, not the girls but every single one of the boys."
11. "So go circumcise yourself and that's your end of the bargain."
12. "But wait until your sons are 8 days old before you do them. They'll scream like crazy. Oh yeah, if you have kids with Hookers or lose women ... Hell even if you adopt ... circumcise them too."
13. "And that'll be the bond between us forever."
14. "And if you don't circumcise one of them ... put him for adoption."
15. "Oh yeah! We're going to change your wife's name too. Sarai should be called Sarah. It's just sexier."
16. "And she's gonna receive those loaded bullets from your loins and pop those little blessings out!"
17. Still laying on the ground from falling down, Abraham starts laughing. "I haven't gotten it up in years! And have you seen my wife? She's older than dirt."
18. "Plus she's already got a kid. I gotta whack him too? His name's Ismael. You're going to look after him too, right?"
19. And God said, "Listen you old fart! Your wife is getting ready to be knocked up and you're the man whose going to do it. And I want you to name him Isaac ... I like these naming opportunities. He's going to have lots of kids too."
20. "Yeah, I hear you about Ismael. He can have lots of kids too. It'll be great!"
21. "And Sarah's going to be knocked up with Isaac by this time next year."
22. Then God left.
23. Now Abraham had been having kids all along, just not with Sarah, who already had the one, Ismael, so they'd both been around the block. Abraham had obviously been with lots of Hookers because there were lots of boys running around. He whacked every single one.
24. And at 99 years of age, he circumcised himself (which I just can't imagine!)
25. Ismael was 13, much older than the 8 days God had instructed the old man to circumcise his sons at but ...
26. Pissed off at how much it hurt, he grabs Ismael and whacks his pee pee next ... POST PUBERTY! (CAN YOU SAY "OOOOUUUUUCCCCHHHHH"?????")
27. And Abraham was like Slingblade, whacking penises one after the other. It didn't matter who they were. (While this was going on , God was nowhere around).

If you don't believe it, read it for yourself in whichever version of the Bible you like best!
_________________________________

Interested in becoming a better writer. Start now by enrolling as part of a select group to work exclusively with me beginning in November 2013 at http://www.meellc.com/wordpress/writingworkshop/

Looking Back Gets You Nowhere

"Tried to go back as if I could," sings the Major Prophet James Taylor, "all spec house and plywood ... tore up ... tore up good."

And that's the truth about the past.

It's not what it was.

We haven't learned the lesson of Lot's wife in (Genesis 19), who looking back lost everything she has and everything that could have been. God was giving her a chance to start again and she didn't take it ... because she looked backwards instead of where she was going."

Too many lives are lost because too many spend too much time looking over their shoulder.

They miss old homes, the dead, good times and things that might have been. It's like a never ending old movie that replays endlessly in our head.

The trick is to keep growing to become more the person God created us to be. So we change. God likes creation and is always tinkering trying to make things better, meaning you and me.

If we aren't embracing different things, growing into them, being reborn and reincarnated, then we're missing the present, spending our time looking backwards which never gets you anywhere.

The fact is we hold on to the past because we're too damn scared of the present. We're either where we want to be or we're not. If we're not it's just agony!

If we are, then life is sweet!

The bitch about enjoying now is forgetting then. They're nothing but good or bad stories to tell. You may laugh or cry when you tell them but they're just old stories.

They were then.

They aren't now.

Too many people still think I'm a homeless guru, a social problem genius and the Go-to guy when life's curve ball hits someone smack in the face. They still think I have something to do with Union Mission, hospitals or politics. Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn't communicate with me as if I were still that person.

I'm not anymore. My life has moved on.

It's true that I have talents in those other areas, but today I'm a writer, a teacher and a coach. Sarah and I partners in this work. It's all we think about. It consumes us and there's no time left for Union Mission or hospitals or politics. And we love it!

Because I'm damn certain the life I have left is taking me to new heights, better things and excellent adventures.  I'm not looking backwards and risk my life settling to be little more than a pillar of salt blowing away.
_______________________________

There's only a few spots left for my next on line class "Embracing Peace in your life" beginning next week. Don't miss out. Sign up now at http://www.meellc.com/wordpress/onlineclass/

Great Sluts!

The conversation at our house currently centers on great sluts of history.

"What?" you ask, spewing whatever it is you've just taken a sip.

It began over the choice of a Halloween costume.

Have you seen them recently?

When I was a kid, I draped a bath towel around my neck and told everybody I was Superman. This resulted in many compliments and tons of candy.

Once I found an old wig and a trench coat and transformed myself into "Tiny Tim" ... no one complimented me and I didn't get much candy.

It's not that way anymore!

The right Halloween costume is serious stuff and planning begins weeks in advance.

Last year, Sarah was Cat Woman in a tight fitting silky skin suit and a mask. Let you tell you ... the moaning that took place later that night downed out everything the Cat Lady and her feral collection next door has to offer.

Sarah also got shitloads of candy, twenty-two business cards, phone numbers written on paper napkins all thrown into bag made soggy by salivating fathers ... and mothers ... tossing things her way.

Her girls dressed accordingly.

Planning has begun for this year and one of the initial comments made was, "That costume will make you look like a slut. Let your grandmother make you one ... out of wool."

Of course this made me laugh like crazy and wanting to be a good influence, I've offered sound advice.

"Look," I said to the crushed child, "history is full of great sluts. There wouldn't be a Bible if it weren't for the sluts in them. Just tell them you're going to be a Biblical slut. Bathsheba for example. Or Rachel ... if you want to step out of the Bible into other religions you can start with Aphrodite ... if you want great historical sluts you can be Catherine the Great, Coco Channel, Madonna or Bill Clinton."

She stopped crying beginning to understand for the first time the preponderance of great sluts who've made contributions to history.

The great theologian Larkin Rossitter, at the Jefferson Street Baptist Chapel when I was employed as the "Professional Christian" explained ... "Look everyone is a whore. The question is whose you're pimp?"

We thought this a brilliant analogy ... which could be part of the reason I became an "Unprofessional Christian."

Regardless, I think it's harder to be a kid these days than when I was young. Today they control the universe through the Internet by the age of five. By 11 or 12, they're navigating the sexual landscape. By the time they're 14, they have defined their identities for life.

I'd rather work through these challenges with them than define the rules. The truth of the matter is we make our own rules anyway. They're made by dictatorial rule or in partnership. I prefer the latter.

When she got out of the car this morning, after spying her friends and immediately screaming, "HEY! Stop the car now! Those are my friends. Please, Please, Please, Please, Please ..."

So I did and she's immediately surrounded by love at that age ... boys and girls displaying affection for one another, obviously looking forward to the day ... the weekend ... Halloween.

"HEY!" I yell and she turns to look with an Angelic beautiful face, "Have slutty weekend."

And she laughs and dives into her friends which is what matters most to any kid.

Driving home, I reflect on last night when she, Sarah and I sat in the living room, flipping channels and talking. Making plans as partners do.
________________________________________________

An eccentric life dotted with eclectic characters pop from the pages of award winning author Micheal Elliott’s newest book Sandy Bottoms & Duct Taped Hearts. His musings immerse you in a world of headshaking wonder, gut wrenching laughter, heart touched tenderness and empathetic tears.

Order your copy now at http://www.meellc.com/wordpress/newbook/

Jonah's Whale

The Book of Jonah
Chapter 1
Micheal Elliott Revised Standard Version

1. God said, "Hey Jonah!"

2. "Go to the city. It's a wicked place with bars, strip clubs, football, American Legions, prayer meetings, live music and political parties. Preach against that stuff."

3. Liking virtually everything on the list except the Democrats, Jonah made a run for it. No way in Hell he was going to say bad things about them, so he booked a Carnival Cruise heading for Tarshish, an exotic island filled with bars, strip clubs, football, an American Legion, live music, one Democratic party, two Republican parties, a big Tea Party and a lot of people who could care less about any of them.

4. Then the Lord saith, "Oh Hell No You Don't! Watch this!" And a great wind suddenly blew a violent storm against the Carnival Cruise Ship so that it lost power and there was no air conditioning, flushing toilets, big screen televisions, or working slot machines.

5. All the sailors said, "Oh God" as they puked into the sea ... to lighten the load but ... Jonah was passed out in his cheap cabin with no windows on the bottom deck.

6. The Norwegian Captain was pissed after the crew did the deck drill preparing everybody for the Lifeboats and only one person was missing ... JONAH. He marches down to the bottom deck, shakes the passed out Prophet demanding to know, "How can you sleep through this? Get up! Say something! Anything! God! Whatever! We don't want to die!"

7. Meanwhile the Sailors had figured out you could play roulette, Blackjack and Poker without electricity so they were having at it. But they really wanted to play the slots! "Who in the hell's responsible?" they demanded over warm beer and someone said, "Jonah."

8. And they saith, "Is he Republican, Democrat, Tea Party or a Damn Liberal? He is black or white, gay or straight, man or woman, have work or no? Where's he live? Does he work for the Government? Is he a real American ... white and all? How do you spell his last name?"

9. Now awake, Jonah answers the Captain and the Sailors, "I'm Jewish. I don't have a foreskin. Wanna see?"

10. This scared the living hell out of everybody on the broken down Carnival Cruise Ship and when he whipped it out, they screamed in glee, "What have you done?"

11. The surf was really up now and the Carnival Cruise Ship was rolling from side to side like Jonah's exposed anatomy. "STOP IT!" they yelled, "That thing is whipping the seas up even higher."

12. "Aw, it's my fault," Jonah said pulling up his pants. "Throw me overboard."

13. Instead, the men ... it was a gay Cruise ... wanted to keep Jonah and his foreskin-less self so they tried to row back to shore but they weren't looking at where they were rowing because they were looking at Jonah instead and the ship  got further and further from the land.

14. "Oh God!" they screamed. "We don't want to die and we certainly don't want to throw this fine looking specimen overboard. But you're God and we don't want to be held responsible. What do we do?"

15. God didn't say anything so they grabbed Jonah and threw him overboard.Immediately the sea was calm. "Oh God," they exclaimed on the gay Carnival Cruise ship without electricity, "that's one fine flat ocean."

16. And the men sacrificed all of their clothing and called upon the name of the Lord often.

17. But Jonah was swallowed whole ... and it took three days.

If you don't believe it, read it.

In one of the 16 versions of the King James Version of the Bible.
__________________________________________________________

An eccentric life dotted with eclectic characters pop from the pages of award winning author Micheal Elliott’s newest book Sandy Bottoms & Duct Taped Hearts. His musings immerse you in a world of headshaking wonder, gut wrenching laughter, heart touched tenderness and empathetic tears.

Never letting the truth stand in the way of a good story, Elliott’s ninth book takes you on a wild journey of “Wow! Really! I can’t believe that!” every day moments. Sandy Bottoms & Duct Taped Hearts exemplifies his gift of capturing common thoughts and painting them perfectly into words.

Order yours now at http://www.meellc.com/wordpress/newbook/

A Bible and a bone

Winston, the little gay dog, pranced into the kitchen wearing a sleeveless tee shirt that read "Too cute to be straight" over a multicolored rainbow. He's wearing sunglasses and has his doggie Bible with him obviously ready to go to Bar Church.

Goddess is passed out in the floor between the kitchen and the living room, snoring loudly and reeking of medical marijuana. She isn't budging so Winston, the little gay dog, lithely jumps over her and makes his way to the doggie treats, picks out a big bone to suck on and lays it on top the little doggie Bible.

Sarah is wearing a bikini and is lathering herself up with suntan lotion as I pack the cooler. We're planning on spending the day at the beach. Goddess doesn't care that we're skipping Bar Church to go to the beach but Winston, the little gay dog, is pretty indignant and told me that I'm going to hell.

I gave him the finger and continued getting ready for the beach. He got all miffed and hasn't said anything since.

The other day I couldn't find any of my bandanas. I wear them when I run in the mornings but every single one had disappeared. Eventually I got down on my hands and knees and looked under our bed which Winston, the little gay dog, has made his own.

I was shocked at what I found.

A tiny disco ball revolved from one of the slats reflecting bright colors from the little Christmas lights hanging on the other slats. A tiny Chaise Lounge lay to one side covered by my bandanas. A lava lamp rested on a coffee table beside a stack of doggie porn.

I yelled at Winston, the little gay dog, and ever since he's gotten all religious on me.

I don't care that he's created his own space. Everybody needs there own space. I don't even care that he has stacks of doggie porn but He SHOULDN'T HAVE STOLEN MY BANDANAS!

Walking out the door, Sarah and I grab our beach chairs and take a right. Winston, the little gay dog, totes his Bible and bone, takes a left and prances down the street towards Bar Church where Psalmist Stephen can try to knock him off his Holy throne.

I let Sarah walk in front so I have something else to focus on.

A Bible and a bone!

Give me a break.

When God Created Nudity

Genesis Chapter 2
Micheal Elliott Revised Standard Version

1-4. God was done working having created pretty much everything so he took Sunday off which was righteous. Even though all of this was previously explained in Chapter 1 I'm going to tell it again adding new stuff. This is how it happened now that I've had time to think about it.

5-6. The earth was a pretty dry and barren place and it never rained and there was nobody to rain on anyway. And thus says the Lord, "I gotta water this place," and behold streams bubbled up from everywhere.

7. Then God picked up some wet dirt and blew on it and behold there was this dude.

8-9. God was a gardener and had this bodacious garden named Eden and he placed the dude there. There were all kinds of cool trees with lots of fruit but God was such a good gardener that he had grown a tree of life and another tree bearing knowledge which nobody had done before or has since.

10-14. Eden had a pretty cool river that ran in four different directions. You could get anywhere from there.

15-17. Then God told the dude, "Take care of this place and you can eat anything you want BUT ... if you touch the tree of knowledge, I'll just have to kill you."

18. And God mumbled, "It's not good that the dude is by himself. I gotta fix that."

19-20. So God started tinkering around making things, starting with cows for some reason then birds and then got a little crazy making wilder and wilder animals. But the dude was not sexually attracted to any of them.

21-22. And God said, "Dude take a nap" and it was so. While the dude was sleeping, God broke off one of his ribs without even waking him up which is hard to do. And God took the rib and made a woman which is even harder to do!

23. And the dude says, "WHOA MAN! You did that with my bone?" And the name stuck.

24. And for no apparent reason, this is why dudes leave home to hook up with chicks eventually getting married because they figured out sex.

25.  And the dude and woman were naked ... and liked it!

If you don't believe read it for yourself.