The You Inside of Me

I studied my face in the mirror
And the lines are deeper these days
Cause the world is so full of sharp edges
And it cuts me in so many ways
But I’m hanging in and I hope you're not thinking
it's worse than it might appear
12:15 on New Year's Day
and I haven't shed a tear all year

I love the images of these lines from Jim Morris's song (12:15 on New Year's Eve).


They fit me these days.

Sometimes you can wear a song.

The lines on my face are deep right now.

The world has definitely left its marks.

Though I may look worse for the wear I'm still hanging in there.

I'm older than I used to be ... larger ... with thinner hair ... wounds take longer to heal ... and good friends have disappeared.

At the same time I'm as youthful in the way I approach things as ever ... I like the way I look ... my hair's as long as ever ... my wounds have scars ... and the friends I have are damn good ones.

I'm still regularly accused of being naïve ... romantic ... with incredibly unrealistic hopes.

Honestly, there are times I wonder about God and I ask questions out  loud.

Why the silence?

Where are you when I really need you?

"My God! My God! Why hast thou forsaken me?" you own son says as he dies deader than a doornail.

You can't be any quieter than when you're dead and maybe that's why Jesus went there ... to speak in the idiom of the other ... to communicate without words ... to embrace silence and meet God on Her own terms.

I don't want to take it quite that far ... though I am pretty quiet today ... staring at the lines on my face ... looking at the you inside of me.

No Not One

"You've offended Tony Compolo," Richard tells me on the phone.

Richard is the publisher of my latest book, "A Non-Church Goer's Guide to God" is what it's being called at the moment.

Tony Compolo is the famous "speaker, author, sociologist, pastor, social activist and passionate follower of Jesus."

"What did I do? I ask.

"Well," Richard gravely replies, "When you say 'No Savior will ever sleep in the White House' Dr. Compolo didn't care for it because he's slept in the White House."

"No way," I exclaim like Garth did on "Wayne's World."

"Way," Richard perfectly replies.

"Well," I sigh.

"Yeah we can't get anybody to endorse your book. That's never happened before."

"No way," I say again channeling my inner Garth.

"Way," Richard laughs. "We're putting a positive spin on it. If nobody will endorse your book, it must be good. They're scared of it ... so that's what we going to say."

"You mean none of my Seminary Professors will give me a blurb for the cover?"

"None of them remember you," Richard reports.

"What about Guy Sayles or Bill Berry?" I asks.

"They never returned our calls."

"You know Bill's not the drummer for ..."

"I know," Richard cuts me off. "You've told me."

Tapping my finger tips against my teeth I ponder before asking, "You mean there's not one single person in the world who'll vouch for my book."

"No not one," Richard says laughingly, quoting the old Christian Hymn.

"But you're publishing it anyway?" I say a little determined.

"Yeah, it's the alternative view written by a Baptist Minister about a Baptist Church and how screwed up Baptists are ... and it's funny."

"Alrighty then," I say filled with renewed confidence. "To Hell with Tony Compolo."

"That's the same thing he said about you," Richard says and hangs up.

Then the book was released with my favorite introduction of all my books with an explanation of why nobody in the universe supports anything I have to say.

My Calling

I had vivid dreams about the Jefferson Street Baptist Chapel last night.

It was 30 years ago when I was the 20 something year old Pastor/Director of the inner city Baptist mission post primarily because no one else felt God calling them there.

The whole thing was an accident.

I'd done the "special music" one Sunday morning ... a rousing version of "I Saw the Light" by Hank Williams.

When I finished, a woman with a butcher knife stuck in her apron stood up, spit tobacco juice in a Maxwell House coffee can and yelled, "DO IT AGAIN!"

I suppose the Spirit of God moved her.

When a tobacco spitting woman with a butcher knife asks you to do something it's hard to say, "No."

So I did it again.

Later, in the same service, the minister resigned.

After Church, suddenly surrounded by little old ladies, she spit into her can and said, "You go to Seminary! You be our preacher."

"I don't want to be your preacher," I said shutting my guitar case.

"Tough," she spits. "We want you to be."

Hmmm. This is a tough woman. "I'm not called to be your preacher," I answer.

"We calling you," she spits.

"Shit," I think to myself.

She stares at me with venomous eyes.

"I've never preached a sermon in my life," I confess.

"Can't be any worse than a lot of the crap we've already had to listen to," she replies.

There is no arguing with this woman and I can't think of any other way to decline the calling.

Continuing to stare at me I notice her mouth is furiously working the tobacco plug which bothers me immensely.

I think to myself, "She's going to spit on me if I say "No" and a fear of downing in the Baptismal Pool in tobacco juice overwhelms me.

"Okay," I finally say.

Spitting a giant wad in the Maxwell House coffee can, she grins and says, "Good. Let's go eat."

That's how my calling happened.

I'm sure I've told this story before and my critics will say so but ... good stories merit retelling and it's damn good story.

I would never be where I am now had Buna Wynn not "threatened" me into the ministry.

She's long dead though I suppose there was a "Homecoming Service" somewhere last night and Buna ... being Buna ... was determined I attend.

So that's what happened all freaking night long!

Till I woke up and it's Sarah lying next to me.

Thank God!

Amen and Amen.

Gay Tanning

Winston, The Little Gay Dog (TLGD) prances out on the Beloved Back Deck where I'm sitting naked writing a lustful blog about how Sarah starts pulling her shorts down before she gets to the bathroom.

I'm lusting ... I mean ... concentrating intensely of what I'm doing.

Winston, TLGD, doesn't care jumping up on the table wearing dark sunglasses and a white wife-beater tee-shirt with the colorful words, "Wanna taste the rainbow?"

"What do you want?" I ask full of irritation at my thoughts being interrupted.

Brown eyes peer at me over the top of the shades resting on his brown nose.

"Why don't you like me?" he asks through moist eyes.

"You're a pain in the ass," I mumble.

A lone tear rolls down his brown face.

"Alright," I sigh sitting up. "You're not a pain in the ass. You are a DIVA and you're sometimes a pain in the ass but not all of the time. What is this about?"

His little red tongue licks my hand.

"Oh for God's sake," I say pulling my hand back, "stop being such a drama queen! What's up?"

"You know I love you," he says.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I love you too. What do you want?"

Sitting down on the table Winston TLGD collects himself before asking, "Why do you throw me off the bed at night?"

"Duh," I explain ... "because you're in the way."

"I'm part of this family too," he says with indignation.

"Well good!" I snap. "Go sleep with the girls."

He sighs and says, "I love Mom."

"I know," I sigh holding up my hand. "I know."

"Well then why do you grab me in the middle of the night and throw me against the wall?" Winston TLGD implores.

"Oh for Christ's sake," I mutter. "Listen! I roll over, put my arm around my wife and grab hold of a big ol' piece of hair that's breathing! Instincts take over and I throw you against the wall."

"It hurts," he cries. "It really hurts."

Standing up dragging my fingers through my long hair I take a stroll around the deck.

The air is warm with the damp hint of rain and salt hangs in the air.

"I have a suggestion," Winston TLGD timidly suggest. "Why don't you sleep with the girls?
"YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH," I explode ... meaning it literally.

"Calm down," he says licking himself. "It was just a suggestion."

"Are we done?" I growl.

 "I believe so," TLGD says standing up and making his way to his little outdoor tanning bed before suddenly turning to say, "will you put some lotion on my back?"

"Oh Jesus Christ," I mutter grabbing the lotion.

"Want to work on your tan too," he asks.

Sarah's still in the bathroom and it's a nice day ... "Yeah, I think so. Put some lotion on my back."

"Ooooohhh," Winston TLGD exclaims, "it's hairy."

"SHUT UP!" I yell.

"BOYS!" we hear Sarah scream from inside.

Forgotten acts of kindness

Most acts of random kindness are quickly forgotten.

Paying it forward doesn't have much life expectancy either.

Neither does doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.

The Jewish concept of "mitzvah" teaches the world is built upon kindness but it seems we keep destroying things.

"Kindness is my religion," says the Dalai Lama as he's in political trouble with China.

Buddha taught kindness creates good Karma though the great teacher himself may have died from food poisoning.

I believe in kindness.

It's the way I try to live.

But I'm not naïve.

Just because I'm kind doesn't mean people take it kindly.

Most of the time, I think, they go through the motions of reciprocating in kind but quickly forget about it and move on with their next need.

"The more that you take ... the less you give back," (Daryl Hall and John Oates) and that's just as true as anything Buddha, the Dalai Lama, Jesus, Rabbis or anybody else has to say about kindness.

There is a story in our house ... we try to keep a vase of fresh flowers on the table all of the time ... it makes for a more appealing house ... in the dead of winter there's the reminder of spring and they constantly celebrate summer ... it's out gift to ourselves ... a permanent reminder of colorful blooms at this stage of our lives ... reminding us of the love and happiness in our lives.

Sarah was at Publix and had flowers to bring home when the cashier gushed over their beauty.

In an impetuous random act, Sarah asked for a moment to run to the back for a forgotten item only to return with another bouquet of flowers for the woman.

"Oh  My God," she exclaims, "you've made my day!"

It made Sarah's.

I doubt the cashier remembers it all ... but we do.

One of religion's biggest problems is, while it's supposed to be a group activity, we've reduced it to a singular sport.

That's the thing though, the kindness we give to others is mostly for ourselves.

Recipients take short term glee and quickly forget.

But every time we author acts of kindness we walk with the Gods.

And every time we don't ... the Gods move on without us.

ATybee Beginning

In the middle of a warm night a lone bird sings solo outside of our bedroom's open windows.

Other than the ceiling fan's swirling hum the universe is still.

The bed has fresh sheets smelling clean and new.

Sarah shifts as I fold my hands behind my head to listen to the bird singing in the darkness.

A choir of frogs unexpectedly burp out their own Hymns quieting the bird and I wonder if anyone else in the world is listening.

Somehow knowing I'm awake, Goddess meanders in from the landing where she's been sleeping and pants beside my side of the bed until I reach over and rub her backside.

The frogs complete their celebration of praise and the night resumes silence.

"You should pray," my long dead Grandmother tells me and I can see her silhouette in the darkness smiling at me.

Though I haven't seen her in years I fiercely love Grandma Carver so I do as I'm told.

"Hey God," I say out loud in my mind, "thank you for Sarah. I don't know what my life would be without her. My kids and her girls too ..." and I clearly see each of their faces.

Sarah rolls over towards Winston who sleeps on her other side.

A parade of people I love march through my prayer as I commend them to God's love and care.

Judy and John, Cheryl and Jodee, Conner and Hania, Terry, Sandy, Bill Berry ...

An hour later I wake because a choir of birds are greeting the rising sun.

Prayer puts me to sleep ... I think to myself ... and can't help but wonder if that's what Grandma Carver wanted to accomplish all along.

I kiss Sarah's cheek, crawl out of bed and Goddess and Gypsy the cat follow me down the dark staircase to the outdoor shower.

Mars brightly shines through Palm trees as hot water rains down on me.

Choruses of birds praise the new day in every direction accompanied by frogs and the sounds of waves crashing on the shore.  

Back fades to grey as I make my way upstairs again, still followed by Goddess and Gypsy, and get dressed.

Kissing my sleeping wife a second time, I give the pets treats and wander downstairs again towards my bicycle for the ride to the "Breakfast Club" for coffee and community.

It's one of the things I love about the island.

There's no better way to start the gift of another day of life.

Joe Buck III and me (and others)

"Now tomorrow," Joe Buck wrote yesterday, "I want you to focus on just as many good things that Tybee Island has that makes you love the place."

Well Hell!

I've got homework for the first time since I was in school a thousand years ago.

Normally I blow off "special requests" and go wherever the Spirit leads me.

But it's freaking Joe Buck III and I can't blow him off.

Currently Joe is the President of the School Board and was a Dean at Armstrong State University and the head of "Leadership Savannah" ... which is where I met him when in an apparent complete lapse of enforcing admission criteria he let me in.

Through the ensuing years he became a mentor and friend.

When he completely lost his mind and decided to run for President of the School Board I was one of the people he explained why.

Patting him on the back I told him, "That's is great Joe!"

Quietly I thought, "He's lost his frigging mind!"

Since then he's been the greatest School Board President since ... well ... ever!

I owe the man ... A LOT! ... so I got to do what he says and list the things I love about Tybee.

But before I get around to the things I love about Tybee, I can't help but remember when we were graduating from "Leadership Savannah" and we'd already put Joe through a lot ...

we are the only class to be banned from an airline when Dr. Stephen Acuff took over the plane's microphone ...

this was after the previous night when several "Leaders" took over the D.J.'s booth at the sheik Washington D.C. night club "Deja Vu"  led by Fran Howard so we could repeatedly dance to the B52's "Love Shack" ...

and I'd utterly offended our guest speaker the Congressman by asking, "What do you mean Jesus can't be painted as a heroin addict? You don't think Jesus doesn't love addicts?"

Anyway ... we wanted to do something nice for Joe for teaching us leadership skills so Patrick O'Conner, Esq. lead us to get tickets, hotel rooms and primo parking for the Auburn homecoming game.

Joe is a huge Auburn fan!

So we did.

It was the first time Auburn lost a homecoming in ... well ... ever.

I love Joe and almost felt his pain that day.

Now to Tybee ...

But then Joe almost died ... a couple of times ... which scared the hell out of lots of us because he is one of Savannah's special gifts.

It's not so much the city he's impacted but thousands and thousands of its people.

Joe Buck has changed lots of lives and made them better and I'm the first to admit I'm one of them.

That's why I've got to write about the things I love about Tybee Island because it's Joe that asked for God's sake!

Oooops!

Sarah's up.

I gotta go.

Things I don't understand on Tybee Island

I have two master's degrees obtained from fine southern academic institutions.

I am a graduate of the doctor's program with black and blue honors from Hard Knocks University.

I've survived near death experiences, divorces and being raised Southern Baptist.

HELL! I even survived working with Jerry Rainey!!

I know things and how to get things done.

Yet, there are things I simply do not understand.

On the island of Tybee ... two men drive a garbage truck with an automated lift to grab the can, hoist it over the truck for empting and set it back on the ground. Neither man has to get out of the truck.

What's the second guy for and how much does he make?

Also on the isle of Tybee ... two miles of road are lined with orange cones reducing traffic from two lanes leaving the island to one ... so one truck can water one plant at a time. The lane remains blocked during the Master Water Man's lunch break and long after he's done!

Why is that?

During Orange Crush ... an annual gathering of college kids from mostly African-American colleges (and my personal favorite island holiday!) the Tybee Island Methodist Church blocked itself off with yellow crime scene tape apparently because of the threat of black people attending!

How pissed off do you think God still is?

I could go on because there are so many unanswerable questions.

• When Animal Control makes a home visit why do they bring police backup?

• How many police officers can eat lunch at the very excellent Sundae Café at the same time every day?

• Who is the incredibly clever graphic artist who takes black duct tape and adds appendices on the black stick man on the yellow crossing signs at every crosswalk?

• How many stop signs are there on this island and how many other small towns don't have any because Tybee has them all?

• Why does one get in serious trouble with the authorities ... be it government, religious, public service ... because they ask questions publically?

I wish I knew these things.

Alas, I don't.

My Guardian Angel's New Assignment

It dawned on me last night ...

while I was studying this weeks Sunday School lesson published by the Broadman Press ...

with Sarah and the girls sitting side-by-side like perfect chaste Baptists ...

wearing white dresses with perfectly brushed hair ...

not saying a word ...

while the man of the house interpreted the Bible ...

because they love the Lord ...

that I haven't heard from my Guardian Angel since she started splitting time between me and Jimmy Cochran.

Suddenly the Holy Spirit conjures up a recollection that Jimmy has quit the church he's attended for 47 years.

Then the Holy Ghost whispers in my ear that Jimmy's said he's no longer going to play piano or organ for churches either.

"No Shit!" I say out loud.

Maddie, the 12 year old, thinks I've challenged them to a Sword Drill and madly starts flipping through her Schofield Reference Bible with all the words of Jesus in red.

"WAY," the Spirit of Truth replies.

Dismissing the girls to their prayer closets so I can pour a glass of wine, I immediately feel bad for my Guardian Angel.

No wonder I haven't seen the dirty, broken winged, chain smoking, beer drinking followed by chasers of bourbon, pasty skin, skinny to the point her robe won't stay on her shoulders so she's flashing her right breast Angel assigned to me.

Jimmy's become a full time assignment!

Strolling outside to the Beloved Back Deck where my Guardian Angel and I used to drink and talk together, I realize how much I miss her.

She used to surprise me all of the time ... making epiphanies at "Spanky's," "Fannies-on-the-Beach" and one time she was drunk out of her mind and woke me up as I snuggled with Sarah because she wanted me to intercede with God on her behalf.

I listen as Sarah and girls prayerfully read the Bible out loud together ... "Kiss me again and again, for your love is sweeter than wine. How fragrant your cologne and how pleasing your name. No wonder all the women love you. Take me with you! Come let's run to your bedroom!" (Song of Solomon 1:2-4).

I raise a toast to the Tybee stars.

"Well, great and wondrous things are happening in the life of Jimmy Cochran ... Bless his little heart! ... Bar Church needs him more anyway ... It hasn't had a real pianist since D-Luv did her one finger magic."

I hear them say, "Amen" inside and like good Christian children the girls disappeared leaving the house spotless.

"Come my King!" Sarah says still reading the Bible, "Take me to your chambers now! (Solomon 1:4)."

I hope Jimmy's treating her right because I'm very fond of my Guardian Angel.

Who knows?

They're obviously keeping each other in Lord's handcuffs.

"I will climb the Palm Tree," Sarah breathlessly reads, "I will take hold of it's fruit!" (Solomon 7:8).

I dash inside leaving Jimmy to my Guardian Angel.

"To hell with them!"

What's wrong with crying?

Roy Orbison sang about "Crying."

I actually do it.

Getting it naturally from my Dad who easily cried after surviving a rough start in life, the horrors of war, watching his best friends die ... it left him ... "tear friendly."

He wept like Jesus wept.

Passing his tear ducts on, salt water flows easily from my eyes.

Here's an example.

We were watching "American Idol" ... often reason enough to cry ... when a commercial came on and the song was familiar so I grabbed my I-phone and found Zach Sobiech's magnificent "Clouds"

Zach was 17 when he was dying of cancer trying to figure out to say goodbye to everyone so he wrote a song that got recorded and took on a life of it's on as he lost his.

As I played it on Youtube, Sarah's 7 year old Cassidy crawls in my lap, lays her head on my shoulder and as we watch together ... my tears flow freely.

"Give Mike a hug," Sarah says from the sofa, "he's crying."

American society holds the value that tears are signs of weakness.

I think a lot of American society is bullshit because if Jesus wept then he's apparently as un-American as they come.

My Dad the Marine Prisoner of War too!

I believe it's healthier to cry ... to let your emotions out and not bottle things up inside.

Dr. Judith Orloff concludes, "Typically, after crying, our breathing, and heart rate decreases, and we enter into a calmer biological and emotional state."

That sounds pretty healthy to me.

It's a shame the world ... American society, John Wayne, the Die-Hard movies, Chris Rock, the modern church (not Jimmy Swaggart but Joel Osteen and T.D. Jakes), and most everybody elected to public office ... frowns on crying.

Tear ducts were given to us by God and are every bit as important as lungs, eyes, hearts, passion, intellect, penises and vaginas!

I try to use all of my gifts from God.

What about you?

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

The Palm tree with the oyster shell eyes and coconut bra is wearing a grass skirt again.

Winter winds blew the old one away and she's been standing there bottomless until this morning.

Sarah brought a bunch of them so the next time her skirt's blown off we're prepared!

Last night my dear friend Terry Ball was over for dinner and afterwards we took a stroll around the island to catch up.

Samuel Adams, who plays damn good live music on the island whenever he gets around to it, was hosting "Open Mike" night at Bernie's.

"That Sam," I point to Terry as we walk.

"Where's Bar Church?"

"There in the Bar," I answer Terry and lead side where the place is happening because Sam's owning it and everyone's having a blast!

"Where's Sarah? Where's your guitar? Y'all doing Bar Church Sunday?" he rapidly fires questions while hugging me on stage and several people in the audience join us.

Bar Church isn't confined to Sundays.

Leaving the madness Terry and I wander down to "Doc's Bar" for Monty Parks and the acoustic jam which is where I spend most Tuesday evenings as part of a family of dysfunctional musicians.

We share our talents or lack thereof, tell stories, sing songs and make a different kind of church together ... a pure one where people simply share what they have without asking for much in return.

Not hanging around, I introduce Terry and we slide back into the darkness making our way to the beach reminding ourselves of 30 years of friendship.

Strolling by "Stingrays", Jason Courtenay has a large crowd in the palms of his guitar playing hands wailing out country blues.

"Is this a normal Tuesday night" Terry asks.

"It's Spring Break somewhere," I answer, "and a lot of them come here."

By now we're making our way passed "Tybee Island Social Club" where an acoustic player is singing while the band sets up.

"You should go there," I say. "It's good. The Bluegrass Brunch on Sunday's is better than church."

When God decided to announce to the world he was having a son ... he sent musicians.

"Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and singing 'Glory to God in the Highest ..." (Luke 2:13).

I believe God has a "preferential option" for musicians.

That's why She send a Heavenly Band to deliver the tidings of comfort and joy to the world.

Alas, preachers have tried to talk this down ever since but if you read the first couple of chapters of the Gospel of Luke ... everybody's singing.

Mary gets knocked up and breaks out in a song with some of the best lyrics ever written.

John the Baptist's Dad did the same thing.

When Jesus was born it was a whole damn band bringing the news.

"Wow!" Terry said as we make our way in the darkness.

"Exactly," I smile throwing my arm over his shoulder.

The Oppression of Divorce

When I returned to Savannah I was asked to conduct the marriage of a High School friend at one of the City's old historic churches.

He was divorced as was his bride.

Standing there in the black robe I bought for $10 from a Preacher going out of business I quoted Holocaust survivor and Nobel Laureate Eli Wiesel.

"God's greatest gift is the chance to start over."

And the Bride and Groom cried because they had the chance ... and they were taking it.

Afterwards they thanked me for pointing out the Elephant in the room by acknowledging their divorces and still believing in love.

I remember walking through the moss draped Square after the service thinking about the oppression of the divorced.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit," says whoever wrote the Psalms (34:18) and divorce certainly breaks hearts and crushes spirits.

I also wondered why it's the Church orchestrating so much oppression of the brokenhearted and crushed people so near the Lord?

Somehow the Church made it into one of the Ten Commandments ... "Thou shalt not get divorced" though it's not certainly not one!

"But Jesus says," according to the modern day Pharisees (e.g. Fundamentalists and other shallow thinkers) "whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery" ... and adultery is one of the Ten Commandments!

This verse if from the Gospel of Matthew and is the "Jewish" version of Jesus.

Quick lesson on the New Testament ... Paul's letters were written first ... THEN comes Mark ... closely followed by Matthew a couple of years later ... Luke was a decade after that ... and whoever the hell wrote John came out a decade or so later.

Just like Paul's letters were written to certain churches the Gospels were written for certain audiences.

Realizing everyone who knew Jesus personally was dying off Mark assembled his sayings and birthed the first Gospel which Matthew quickly plagiarized giving it a Jewish slant!

Lesson over.

The verse about not divorcing your wife unless SHE has sex with somebody else ... but it's okay if the husband does ... was all about Matthew trying to slowly bring the Jews over to Jesus' way of thinking ... by Jews I mean ancient Pharisees who believed in rules more than anything else.

Fast forward back to now.

It's a shame Pharisees run most Churches!

When I got divorced (X 2) lots of people ... church people! ... said horrible things when I was just trying to survive my broken heart and crushed spirit.

The same thing happened to Sarah and, because she comes from a background even more conservative than the First Baptist Church of Port Wentworth, Georgia, it was worse.

"Whoever does not love does not know God because ... God is love," I John 4:8.

A lot of divorced people know this WAY MORE than Church people.

A Good Day

I didn't have to but I kept the normal schedule today, left "The Breakfast Club" at 7 am and made my way home.

Sarah's girls don't have school today so I could have lingered, enjoying the company and being out with people which is a rare thing working from home.

Strolling into the dark house, Goddess and Gypsy follow me into the kitchen so I can give them treats and let them outside.

Turning, I hear a door open and the 7 year old sleepily stumbles to me ... blond hair askew ... wearing her "Monsters High" bathrobe and carrying the "Ferbie" her mother gave her for Easter ... Cassidy lifts both arms signifying I should pick her up.

I do and she lays her head on my shoulder, wraps her arms tightly around me and I feel her breath on my neck.

This has become our routine.

While the others sleep, Cassidy finds me as soon as she wakes and this is how she starts her day.

It has a profound impact on me.

I am not her father but spend as much time with Cass and her sisters as he does.

I tell the girls to call me "Micheal" their friend and not their "stepfather" and ... except for awkward introductions when it's just them and me ... that's what they do.

They confide in me lots of things they keep from their parents and grandparents primarily because ... I don't act like a stepfather, parental figure or much of an adult.

I cuss around them and occasionally at them, drink wine when we're sitting around, listen to their confessions without much judgment and offer my thoughts at their half-baked ideas.

AND THEY KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE!

Of course I get in trouble.

Yesterday both Sarah and my daughter Kristen got on to me because of my interaction with the girls and they're right ... there are things I can do better.

But ... they tell me they love me ... fight for time alone like they do with their Mother ... ask unanswerable questions like "Why can't you be my Dad?" ... tell me about girls kissing boys and girls kiss who kiss girls ... share things they share with their friends ... beg me to intervene with Sarah about things.

I love being Jeremy, Kristen and Chelsea's Dad and just because my children are adults doesn't mean it gets any easier.

I'm the first to admit I'm out of practice with smaller kids but I do my best to love and encourage them in my perverted ways.

I walk Cassidy to the sofa and as I lay her on it under a blanket she kisses my cheek.

Surprising her with Cinnamon Rolls she asks for uncooked doe and I give her some.

She laughs and winks because she's getting some and her sisters won't.

I never would have guessed at this stage of life I'd be living with 3 small children again and lots of people think I'm nuts because I do.

But they are gifts to me every bit as precious as life itself.

Plus I got all day to mess with them.

It's a good day.

A Better Ending

"Trembling and confused, the women fled the tomb and didn't say anything to anybody because they were scared," Mark 16:8).

That's how the first written Gospel ends.

Other things were added later by other people.

Matthew, Luke and John came decades later and are much more glorified versions of events than the rawness of the first account of Jesus's life and death.

The original ending of Mark has an tomb with no body and three women scared out of their minds.

When they arrived to pay their respects, the tomb's open and somebody's sitting inside.

A young man dressed in white is apparently waiting on someone to show up.

He explains, "You're looking for Jesus but he's not here," pointing a finger to the imprint on the ground, "that's where he was."

I'm sure the women looked and wondered, "What in the Hell?"

"Go find Peter and the others and tell them to go to Galilee and you'll see him," the kid concludes and it scares the women to death so they get away from the grave as fast as possible, keep their mouths shut and ... who knows what happens next?

Mark doesn't call the young man in white an Angel.

He was just somebody who seems to be in the know.

That's how the story originally ends.

All of the other events ... frying fish on the beach after telling Disciples which side of the boat to fish ... letting doubting Thomas touch him ... magical apparitions here and there ... were added in the rewrites of the original story because many though such a great story needs a better ending.  

As good as those other endings are, I prefer the original.

The tomb's empty.

Jesus' body isn't there but a cocky teenager is who basically explains, "Just do the stuff he told you to do."

Because in his life Jesus said lots about how to live a better life.

The obvious question Mark leaves hanging in the air is, "Where's Jesus?"

The obvious answer is, "Where do you want him to be?"

God I hope you're there!

The story goes when the great theologian Paul Tillich went to the beach in the early part of this century, he'd drop to his knees in the sand, scooping it together into a mount he could sit on and then he'd sit on it, stare at the ocean and cry.

Born in Germany, raised in Poland, educated in Germany where he found his teaching career he was fired when Adolph Hitler rose to power.

Immediately another great theologian Reinhold Niebuhr offered Tillich a job at New York Theological Seminary for a lot less money but he had no real options so he took it.

Besides there are no beaches in Germany and bad things happen when you can't get to the beach.

Adolph Hitler, Joseph McCarthy, George Wallace and such people get elected to office and life goes to shit when you can't be reminded of the vastness of the sea.

Anyway, the dignified old theologian had a terrible personal life!

His first wife left him when she got pregnant by her lover and his second wife married him after she lost the child she conceived with her husband.

These things happened while he was writing "Systematic Theology" and other books that changed the way people think about God, Jesus and faith.

To this day we believe it's up to us to know when God's doing things, or not, in our lives and in the world.

Before Tillich people waited on God, or some Priest, to slap them beside the head to let them know what was happening.

Tillich wasn't paid much in New York so he went to Harvard and then to Chicago where he made more money and people weren't as "judgmental."

As great as his was his life is as nutty as yours and mine, every bit as messy, flawed, with highs of happiness and discovery mixed with lows of disappointment and frustration.

The words he left behind are uttered in Seminaries and academic institutions around the world.

The messiness of his life is still examined and either vilified or praised as an honest man.

That's no different from how you and I are going to be remembered when we're dead and gone.

Who knows what Paul Tillich thought about sitting there on the clump of sand on the beach, salt water running down his face while staring at the salty ocean?

But I know what I think about when I do the same thing.

It's a big world and I'm a small person.

I've done great things and bad things and hope I'm praised for some while forgiven for others.

God, I hope you're there because I've staked my life on it but if you're not that's okay.

I pray to you every day and especially at night.

I'd rather live in a world believing you're here than one where you're not.

All those years ago on Holy Saturday that's whatever everybody else in the world was thinking too.

Jesus was a Beach Bum

Nicodemus asks Jesus, "So you’re telling me I can be born though I’m obviously already born or I wouldn’t be here to ask you this question?”

Jesus smiles, nods and says, “You got it Nick!”

Nick shakes his head signifying he doesn’t get it and asks, “There’s no way I’m crawling back inside my Mom’s vagina to do it again? Or can I?"

Jesus yells "HEY!” then looks at Nick like he can’t believe the stupid ass question so he yells it again.

“HEY! LISTEN you moron … you gotta get wet … then you catch the Spirit …after that you can hang out with God.

“No one can enter the Kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit …” Jesus says according to John, the youngest and weirdest of the Apostles.

Water mixing with Spirit is … heavenly.

Biblical commentaries speculate that Jesus is talking about Baptisms but I have a difficult time following their logic since it has nothing to do with this particular conversation.

So Jesus was baptized by John.

It’s got nothing to do with the convo with Nick.

Jesus starts with water.

I like that.

Of course Sarah and I live beside the ocean so water is big to me … literally.

That means we live at the beach where the Spirit is easily found.

They go together.

Jesus was a beach bum.

To kick off his ministry he got baptized.

The first thing he did after being raised from the dead (no small feat) was host a fish fry on the beach.

It’s hard not to love Jesus.

I believe when he walked on water Jesus invented paddle boarding.

When he recruited Disciples his pitch was they could be fishers of men and women.

Jesus liked boats and often took sailing trips to crazy places like the “Region of the Gerasenes” hang out in graveyards with crazy people and eat bootleg Bar-b-Que (Jewish law forbade pork)!

Even when he was being crucified Jesus kept a positive attitude and probably thought something like, “At least I’m working on my tan.”

Many take issue with such depictions of the Messiah but the Gospels can certainly be read from a Beach Bum perspective.

And I swear to God when I’m standing on the beach watching God throw diamonds on the ocean, silhouettes of crippled people walking on the water, Pelicans diving and dolphins smiling, it’s just like being born again.

That’s why everybody needs some beach time.

Water and Spirit go together.

Find yours again in the water.

Happy Easter!

Surf's Up!

 

Our Adventure

On the tiny uninhabited island of Tintamarre in the French West Indies, Sarah and I walk alone through tall grass growing on hard dried coral.

Leaving the others by the crystal clear water on white soft sandy beach we’ve embarked on an adventure.

It’s hotter and dryer as we make our way towards a gate of a ghost farm.

Miles of rock are stacked forming an impenetrable fence and we both imagine a once thriving village, filled with cattle, sheep and gardens.

We spy goats still roaming the island and Sarah snaps their picture.

Making our way through the gate we finally arrive at the buildings, the cistern and other remnants of the past.

Cold fire pits, discarded mattresses, beer bottles litter the floor of what once was the island store, now used by giant hermit crabs.

It is deathly quiet and both of us feel a bit spooked anticipating someone to jump upon us at any second though we know there’s nobody here save us.

After a while, we make our way back to the pristine beach where our friends wait beside the boat.

“How was it?” they ask.

“It was great! You should have come.”

At some point during our exploration Sarah commented, “I’m glad it’s just us. It’s time for our own adventures.”

We’re still on it.

Defying conventional wisdom, we’re making our way in our way. While we’re pretty clear about where we’re going to end up, we have no idea whatsoever how we’re getting there. She’s a planner so it can drive her crazy while I believe that unplanned excursions and unconventional choices often lead to places where God resides.

It’s like we’re still on that ghost farm because it’s just each other getting ourselves further along to where we’re going. There are lots of things to be scared of so we listen harder to each other, try to be more kind and hold each other tighter through the nights.

We’ve also noticed lots of others are on solitary journeys; moving from things they hate to what they desire; transitioning from acceptance towards fulfillment; leaving death like existence in marriages, jobs, communities and beliefs to choose life rooted in love, fulfillment, community and spirituality!

The God’s honest truth is none of us know how things are going to turn out regardless of the planning and preparation we put into how we want things to be at the end.

It’s also a Divine absolute that everyone believes we have plenty of time to do the things we want though we really don’t have a clue.

There is only now and whatever it is we are doing with it.

When Gandalf approached Bilbo he explains, “I am looking for someone to share in an adventure I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.”

“I should think so --- in these parts,” Bilbo replies. “We are plain quiet folk have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner.”

He didn’t want to go.

It’s the same when Jesus told Simon Peter to follow and crusty fisherman protested, “Go away from me; I’m a sinful man.”

In both instances, they had the adventures of a lifetime that we’re still talking about.

That’s the adventure Sarah and I are on.

Willie Page ... my son

It was one of those days when everything was going perfect.

Bright sunshine on a warm cloudless morning made Savannah especially lovely.

Wandering out of The Savannah Bank towards moss draped Johnson Square, I pause to notice the political rally taking place.

"ELLIOTT," Congressman Jack Kingston screams, "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU NOW!"

"Shit," I mutter but it's part of the job so I meander across the street.

All the Republicans in charge of everything are there and, after Jack greets me warmly, it seems as every one of them are glad I'm there, appreciative of something I'd done for them and needed something now.

Completely surrounded I'm the center of attention and enjoying every second of it!

"DADDY," I hear from the familiar voice. "DADDY!"

And Willie Page shuffles his uncooperative legs towards me.

The Republicans part like the Red Sea as the little black man with yellow teeth, flaky skin and a child's brown eyes strolls in and hugs me.

"HEY DADDY," he says in his raspy voice while keeping an arm around me.

"You're his Daddy?" Kingston asks.

"It's a long story," I reply ready to kill Willie on the one hand but absolutely loving him for coloring the rally something other than red on the other.

Then again, I love the red and black ... Go Dawgs!"

The Republicans are done with me though so Willie and I make our way to the Ice Cream shop beside the Barber Shop on Bull Street where he likes to hang out.

I buy him Ice Cream  and ask, "What do you want?"

"Daddy, can I come home?" he explains giving me his sad child face and licking the Ice Cream.

He means Grace House, the homeless shelter I ran. He'd lived there twice and loved it both times.

The first time he was a "success story" because we got him on disability and found him "permanent housing" in a boarding house but ... Willie missed us ... so he got himself kicked out and moved back into the shelter.

"Willie," I yell, "you cannot live in a frigging homeless shelter for the rest of you life!"

"I love you Daddy," he sheepishly replies.

"Listen," I fire back, "you get yourself kicked out of your next home then we're not going to be friends anymore. I'm not giving you any more birthday money either."

Horrified, Willie suddenly became the perfect client and a few weeks later we find him his new home.

A decade later he stumbles into the Republican Party and me.

I love him.

"Daddy, come see me play," he begs so one day I go to City Market and watch him play a string less guitar with Bucky and Barry, happy and in love with the people who love him.

It was the last time I saw my son.

He died today after a long stay at Hospice having stamped himself on the hearts of many.

So hey Willie, on behalf of a lot of us ... Thank you.

You were incredible making more lemonade out of the worst lemons ever!

And I can only imagine how long it's going to take the Angels to drag you from the Heavenly Banquet because ... God you love to eat!

Thank you most for teaching me by being you.

Because you were incredible!

The Girls

"You know everyone's watching you?" he says as we drink beers at "The Quarter" ... Tybee Island's lone Sports bar ... which is mostly bar without much sports ... but the TV was working that night.

"For what?"

"Three little girls," he replies.

For one of the few times in my life I'm at a complete loss of words.

When Sarah and I fell in love and married it was a miraculous, Heavenly sent, timely and a wonderful gift from God ...and like most relations ... we both brought baggage.

But she was looking for baggage that went with hers.

That was me.

In addition to baggage, what she brought to our marriage was three little girls ... and they brought a lot of trash.

As a survivor of already raising three children to successful adulthood it seems I shocked people by choosing to do it again ... as an older man.

The societal norm is I should be a grandfather by now, happily loving children I can sent home whenever I tire of them.

I don't have any grandchildren yet but look forward to whenever it happens.

In the meantime I help conceive and raise three of best children ever born (up there with Micah and Amber Berry, Mandy Sayles, Dani Sadowsky ... and her brother Ryan who didn't make the Top 10 List ... or the top 100 for that matter)!

I've got parental experience.

My kids are off successfully living their own lives and I live in a house with four girls (two of which menstruate and a third is not far off).

Half of the time things are just great!

Otherwise it's like being on a never ending reality television show.

But it's like when Jeremy, Kristen and Chelsea were coming up ... when I didn't want to kill them I'd never known such deep love.

Maddie, Laurel and Cassidy remind me of that every single day!

The second time around I'm pretty laissez faire about it ...

"Sure! Of course you can ride the skate board you got for your birthday down the hill into the marsh mud full of oyster shells with the cute little pod of baby sharks ... it'll be fun!"

Sarah's a first time parent so she takes such things far more serious not understanding how little influence she really has on who her girls are going to be when they grow up.

But back to whoever's watching me these days ... the girls crack me up ... when I don't want to kill them.

We share tender moments and I get the joy of watching them discover who they are as people.

In return I help as best I can.

Laurel, the middle child, has a gross fear of dead people so I got "Weekend at Bernies" to help her process irrational beliefs.

Next up is "Wayne's World" I and II to assist in defining their relationship with God and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" to help confront their sexuality.

In return they give me lots of love and kisses ... along with numerous
opportunities to talk Sarah into letting them do things I know there's no way in Hell she's going to let them do!

It sure is fun making them think they've got a chance.

And they keep me young, laughing and are forever surprising me with really bad, putrid, suck ass music on the radio when I'm driving.

It's all good!

Today

The waves sing without ceasing this morning.

One consistent low-key roar of ocean hitting shore.

A thin grey blanket of clouds cover the sun.

There is no breeze and green leaves, purple Wisteria, red, pink and yellow petunias stand still as though in prayer.

Birds sing solos.

Squirrels quietly dart along electrical lines and in the branches of trees.

Sitting silently in the midst of these things, I'm open to the world that's been given to me today.

I had a rough and fitful night plagued with sinuses, restlessness, worrisome thoughts brought on by too much alcohol and not enough food or water.

At 3:17 I sat in the same chair on the Beloved Back Deck that I sit in now.

With my feet propped on the table I watched wisps of clouds gently glide passed a white full moon.

Wide awake, I contemplated unanswerable questions each beginning with the word "Why?"

After a while I returned to bed to snuggle beside Sarah who's sleep was a casualty of my night.

Sleep returned only to be interrupted by unwelcome dreams.

In the predawn darkness I welcome the day stumbling downstairs to the outdoor shower.

I gather with others for communion over coffee as light begins to chase the darkness away.

Afterwards, home again, I tend to the animals and check on Sarah who's now sleeping.

As the sun rises I sit as part of the waking world.

The day holds good and bad, unpleasant tasks mixed with welcomed ones, rendering unto Caesar what is his while working towards redemption from plans gone array.

Just as sand flies appear the slightest of ocean breeze blows them from hovering and leaves begin to dance.

The sun begins to throw off the sheets of clouds.

Sarah rises and the aroma of coffee brewing wafts with the sounds of her making breakfast.

The day is now born.

Now it is time to make the most of it.