Kicked out of Church

Bar Church was kicked out of the Oceanside Nursing Home today.

Apparently stripping the floors is more important to caring for the inmates than ... oh ... ministry they really enjoy and look forward to ... but it ain't happening today.

Floor wax is more important.

Now to put floor wax down in the Oceanside Nursing Home all the inmates ... who pay to be there ... are vacated the premises.

They are rolled outside in the hot weather with no ocean breeze.

The militant faction refuse to go ... knowing they've paid damn good money to stay cool ... remain inside the Air Conditioner lobby ... looking at us on the other side of the glass doors.

"We want you to play!" we hear their muted voices say from the outside.

I flash the "Peace Sign."

They flash it back and grin.

Being a loving person is hard enough.

Being a ministering loving person, doing it for free is harder.

Love being rejected is hardest of all.

We are one broke Church.

The only thing we have to give is ourselves which is what we do.

Because there's nothing else to give.

But we do it cheerfully and the inmates sing, laugh clap, shake tambourines and ... are crying on the other side of the door as we load up our gear.

"And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, leave that place and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them" (Mark 6:11).

We wish it was that easy.

Love never is.

Leaving the Dead

I'm on bus load of Southern Baptist ministers in Washington D.C.

I'm the only one with long hair.

Honestly I normally wouldn't be caught dead with these people but it's a free trip and the first time I'm in the nation's Capitol.

They all wear three piece suits and, as usual, I sport a dark blue blazer, light blue shirt, sock tie, blue jeans and hiking boots.

I'm the lone inner city Southern Baptist minister on the bus.

It's not to say we don't get along ... well it is to mostly say we don't ... but sometimes we do ...just not often.

We're having breakfast hosted by Congress.

There are twenty of us and a bunch of members of the Kentucky delegation ... Mitch McConnell is one.

He says something but I can't get over how runny the scrambled eggs are!

They're not really cooked at all and lots of yellow juice sobs up the toast and the bacon's not really cooked either limply leaning over in my hand when I pick it up.

It dawns on me why Congress is so messed up ... their breakfast sucks!

They're as limo as the bacon.

On the other hand, Mitch McConnell and the other members of the Kentucky delegation spend lots of time kissing our ass ... proclaiming how much they believe in God ... how important we are to the fabric of society ... and asking us to pray for them in such difficult times.

They're as soft as the scrambled eggs.

I throw up a little in my mouth but swallow it back.

Back on the bus, we're off to the White House for a tour.

"Hey," I wave from the back row, "can you pull over and let me off? I'd rather walk and see some other things."

Dr. Russell Bennett grins happily and orders the driver over.

Making my down 14th towards Park, I'm continuously hit on by Hookers as I look for "Sojourners" ... a community and a magazine the few liberal Southern Baptists who exist read.

"Hey Baby," an old Hooker wearing a dirty white Fur coat asks, "want to buy me a cup of coffee?"

She used to be pretty.

It's freezing cold outside so as I'm walking with determined purpose she's jumping up and down on one leg trying to warm herself.

"Sure," I sigh and she leads me inside a grungy McDonalds.

"What did you do today?" Dr. Bennett asks in the lobby of The Willard Hotel before dinner where Mitch McConnell is joining us to talk more.

"Gospel stuff," I answer making my way to the bar.

"You want some wine?" I ask as I order.

Smiling and shaking his head, Russell walks away leaving me alone.

The Announcement (Sarah doesn't know. Don't tell her.)

I'm seriously considering running for public office.

Okay ... wine's involved ... but I want to start the disclosure process before I even announce which office I'm running for ... because I haven't decided yet.

This is where I'm at right now.

Democrat or Republican?

Who cares?

It doesn't matter.

They're all the same!

"Get elected! Stay elected!" is the motto of both parties.

I've always had a fondness for "Libertarians" ... Republicans who smoke Pot ... but these days Republicans are passing legislation legalizing Pot so ... choosing a party is more confusing than ever.

Bureaucracy and Bloated Government?

Fire everybody and start over!

I've never actually been in Government but I've worked with every level for decades learning several things.

Whenever Government downsizes ... say by combining Departments ... no one loses a job.

How is this possible when eliminating entire Departments?

But it happens every single time Government downsizes!

Ronald Reagan was the best at this ever which is why he remains so revered!

Protocol

Every single thing about Government is scripted.

I believe we should blow up the script.

Every Government meeting ... of any kind ... from a Council person meeting with a City Manager or all of Congress convening ... a mandatory "Group Hug" is had to begin ... and to end ... the meeting.

As a matter of fact when hiring the new Bureaucrats to take the place of the ones we've fired I think we start by hiring "Professional Huggers" to greet every single person who tries to meet with any one elected.

Hugs take all the pressure out of the room and make everyone feel better before we get down to business.

Vacation Time

This is one area where Government excels!

I believe we can do better.

"The more he sleeps," Arlo Guthrie once said of the President, "the safer we are."

I think this is true of every single elected official.

Let's make it public policy.

Either go to sleep ... we'll provide Government subsidized medication and alcohol ... OR ... go on vacation ... also subsidized.

It'll hurt far less from the ways you're screwing us now.

Campaigning

All campaigning should be on social media.

You don't want me knocking on your door and I really don't care who you are.

I just want you to vote for me.

Let's eliminate the discomfort for everybody!

I'll post my position on Facebook.

You slam it with comments, Tweets and photos of me on Instagram.

That way I don't have to raise money to run for office ... completely confusing big business and putting Lobbyists out of business.

It just makes sense.

Taxes

Everybody owes.

It's irrelevant.

Terrorism

The current American political system is the single largest cell in the world.

Elect me ... and I'll start eliminating them ... and I'm not calling you on the phone ... ever ... or stopping by your house to ask you to vote for me.

I promise you that!

And that is a promise I will not break.

All We Got

A lot of things broke at our house this week.

The transformer in the back yard caught on fire, the Tybee Police evict Sarah from bed until Georgia Power cuts the trees around lines killing everything in our meticulously landscaped yard or left hanging 20 feet in the air waiting for the next storm.

Sarah's car is recalled.

The AC in my car stops working.

The tenants in her rental think it's a good idea to leave a large wet rug on the back deck for a couple of months, rotting the wood and claiming it's our fault for putting the deck there in the first place.

The brand new door knob to the porch comes off in our hand.

It rains so much a lake now exists where I park.

I drop my I-phone shattering the glass cover.

But we are so happy to be together it doesn't matter.

I Got You Babe!

All you need is love!

Sarah's folks arrive from New York and on the first night I prepare a feast of slow cooked bar-b-que ribs, homemade au gratin potatoes and "southern" Green beans with lots of salt, bacon fat and my special ingredient.

Early afternoon, I fire up the Grill which is a lot like foreplay.

As the fire burns, I prepare the ribs, crank up the Beach Boys, fix a big drink and get ready for the long ... smoldering ... W.E.T. ... sensual ... sexual act of grilling.

Throwing the ribs on, I take a sip ... do a little dance ... and am suddenly horrified ... to watch one of the legs on my Grill ... ever so slowly ... slide across the deck ... with pork blistering in the heat above the coals.

"Goddess," I say to our dog ... who likes to grill with me, "this is not good."

Goddess is a smart dog who can speak telepathically screams, "SAVE THE MEAT."

Holding my drink in one hand, I quickly throw the ribs on a plate while the other saves the celebratory meal.

My Grill however is no more.

Oh well!

I Got You Babe!

All you need is love!

That's pretty much all we got.

The Greatest Untold Story

"You can't write about this," Sarah admonishes at dinner.

The girls giggle under their breaths, cut their eyes at me but don't say anything.

I stare out of the window and sigh.

What my wife is referring to is a volatile situation we find ourselves in coping with and other people are involved.

My writing about it could make things worse.

I can already see the story in my head, with all of the gory details, lies, deceits and betrayals ... a tale exploring the unanswerable questions ... why do bad things happen to good people ... why don't people do what they say ... where is God when you really need him?

It'll be a great story!

It could make the world a better place if I write it ... generating an honest discussion of such universal issues ... breaking down barriers ... bringing people closer together ... teaching the world to sing in three part harmony.

But ... it ain't gonna happen.

My wife told me not to write about it.

Kisses in the Rain

"Sounds like the Mike I used to know," Skutch writes.

Skutch is a reporter who looks like an actor in a B movie playing a reporter but he's the very best at what he does.

For years he took my calls pitching a story for The Savannah Morning News or would call me demanding, "Elliott what in the Hell is going on?"

We had lots of fun and made lots of News.

I feel obligated to respond to him.

Because I'm not the Mike I used to be.

Thirty years of helping the poor, homeless, people living with AIDS, the sick, addicted and insane take their toll and something inside of me broke one day and I can't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Jesus only lasted 3 years.

Just like it was the politics of it that crucified him in the end ... that's what did me in.

The biased silliness of the American Political Process ... and the endless demands and conditions of people who give money to help the poor ... the ruthless conniving of the "Helping Community" who take far more than they give ... the hollow promises of the Religious World ... the ceaseless inquiries of family wanting me to take care of their problem when they're perfectly capable of doing it themselves ... they take their toll.

And I broke and everything about that world came to an end and E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. about my life changed.

Just like Jesus came back in a different way ... I have too.

For me it's a time of healing and receiving love ... enjoying it.

The other night Sarah and I are having drinks and a bite at a bar in Savannah when a torrential rain comes. We have to pick up Maddie, our 13 year old, so I tell my wife I'll run to the car and drive back to get her.

Thankfully, I only wear black running shorts, tee shirts and flip flops these days when clothes are necessary so it's easy to strip down to the shorts and take off into the rain.

A group of homeless people stand under the awning of Junk Shop on Franklin Square where we're parked see me.

"GO ELLIOTT!" a woman yells clapping.

"IT'S THE REV!" a giant black man grins.

Smiling, I blow them kisses in the rain, jump in the car ... get my family ... and go home ... to keep doing what I'm doing.

I'm not the Mike I used to be.

I think I'm a much better one.

Dugger

"What's wrong with him?" I ask as the man shuffles his feet a couple of inches at a time walking across the lobby.

"He's doing the Thorazine Shuffle," I'm told.

Thorazine is used to treat schizophrenia and this dude is obviously heavily medicated with his head down, eyes almost shut, body leaning forward and moving a foot an inch at a time.

"Who is he?"

"Dugger," I'm told. "Part of a prominent Savannah family."

"Why's he homeless?"

"Look at him! Nobody wants to take care of him."

Nodding my head, I take several quick steps and put my arm him. "Hey Mr. Dugger! Welcome!"

His feet stop shuffling and his head turns ever so slightly towards me. Glazed eyes look through me and he grunts something then continues inching forward.

"I like him," I say out loud.

One of the things about working with the poor, homeless, sick, addicted and depressed is you have to have favorites. There are simply too many and you can easily be overwhelmed. I counter this by choosing a few to take special interest in and keep it personal.

Over the next several months ... in flagrant violation of HIPPA code, public safety requirements, political correctness and common sense ... I take Dugger with me most everywhere I go.

Ever so slowly his self awareness returns and we talk.

He begins to dress better, even wearing a tie and combing his thick black hair.

Standing on the corner of 34th and East Broad, we're meeting with a real estate agent because I want to buy ten dilapidated apartments across the street from Phoenix Place, a residential medical program for people living with AIDS. We need to expand.

"What's it gonna take to make this happen?" I ask.

The agent throws out impossible numbers.

Out of nowhere, Dugger steps forward
and machine gun fires questions at the Agent. They go back and forth for half an hour with me occasionally nodding and before I understand ... we've reached a deal, shake hands and make our way back to my car.

"How did you ...?" I ask cranking the engine.

For the only time I ever witness, Dugger smiles, looks me the eyes and answers, "My family knows Real Estate. That's how we made our money."

"You're homeless," I laugh and he shrugs his shoulders.

That was Dugger's shinning moment. He decompensated afterwards, the schizophrenia aggravates, he stops combing his hair and shuffles his feet again.

He disappears.

I was told he was later found in the Casey Canal, a water way beside a Parkway and was heavy a backhoe was necessary to lift him out.

That's the last I heard.

Sarah, Maddie and I zip along the Parkway towards a function and staring at the Canal, I remember Dugger.

It was a long time ago but he's worth remembering and I'm glad I do. 

10 Things I Am Not Thinking About This Weekend!

It's the weekend and though I have to work for no money, I still like the idea of the weekend and want to protect it.

In spite of the fact that my Saturday's shot and Sunday Morning I'm busy being a Semi-Professional Christian at Bar Church ... and on Monday I have to meet with the person who didn't show on Thursday because he owes us money and ... I'd rather think the weekend.

Starting at what I'm N.O.T. thinking about because often it's best to weed out the bad and back into the good.

1. Tybee Island

How do you take God made beauty and screw it up so badly? I know Adam and Eve started the whole the "let's improve on paradise" concept but Jesus Christ ... Tybee is perfecting it.

"Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons" is the modus operandi here.

You'll understand that if you can find parking.

HINT: Don't look on the ocean side of 13th Street because old rich people have a Government approved yellow curb to prevent you from parking and ... people who live here want you leave anyway.

2. Donald Thump

Honestly I think he's funny but I can't get passed his hair. Though I love the fact he made Lindsay Graham look stupider than he already is with the ... "I'll show you Donald by smashing my phone, taking it viral and really believing I'm funny and helping my political career."

It is so stupid it borders on Tybee Island leadership thinking.

3. Buddy Carter

I like the Congressman. We grew up together in Port Wentworth, Georgia but he was hardly ever around because he was on the phone.

I think he's got a phone addiction but those aren't pleasant things to think about or discuss in public.

But Republicans crack me up so it's hard not to laugh ... even when it's a sad addiction.

BRAHAHAHAHAHA!

4. Bills

Not the Congressional, County Commission or City Council kind but people I owe money to who have the audacity to call when I'm off for weekend!

5. Historical Preservation

Jim Klutz, representing the Tybee Island Historical Preservation Society, says, "This is about putting something in an ordinance that would benefit Tybee because it would protect what we have now, "Historic preservation has made Savannah the tourist destination that it is."

Let's talk about what Tybee has now.

Lot's of old people who can afford to live here.

No parking ... just like Savannah.

There's nothing for kids to do on Tybee ... except go to Bars ... the Youmans/Solomon's Gym ... named after famous Tybee Island politicians ...  oh wait! ... It's never open! ... Never mind!

The Tybee Island Historical Preservation Society is doing the same thing with housing on the island.

Can you say "Seaside, Floridia" and even more tourists who can't find a place to park ... because THERE IS NONE!

Nobody plans on island.

We just react.

6. The Tybee Island Police Department

It's damn near impossible because they're everywhere.

Especially Sundae's Café for lunch every single day between 11nish and 1nish.

So if you want to commit a crime ... there's your sign.

Otherwise just wait ... they'll pull you over ... search your car illegally and make your island experience something you'll talk about for the rest of your life.

7. T.D. Jakes and Joel Osteen

I've met T.D. Jakes.

He's alright if you like pompous.

I haven't met Joel Osteen and don't want to.

8. Things for kids to do on Tybee Island

Wait!

There's nothing to think about!

My mistake!

9. Missing the things that used to be on Tybee Island

The diner at Chu's ... Helen rolling her own ... the Amusement Park ... the Water Slide ... Arcade ... Sinbad ... the Belly Flop Competition and David Ring ... the Bums ... Best Buns on the Beach Competition and David Ring ... the Desoto Beach Club and David Ring taking the microphone from Ansel, Strong & Reeves and not giving it back ... Henry Levy's "Clothing Optional" campaign ... when everyone on City Council brought a Styrofoam Cup to the meeting from Spankey's ... Councilman Crawford throwing his Styrofoam Cup on the Council before walking out ... and the dump truck of rocks dumped in front of City Hall.

That's when it was fun!

10.   How much verses How Much

Sell now or sell later?

What we bought is no longer what we get.

It's all run by Adam and Eve any way.

Let's improve on Paradise!

Let's put up a parking lot!

Oh Wait!

We can make more if we don't.

Things to do today

There are other places I'd like to be today.

Tybee grows tiresome.

It'd be nice to be back in San Salvador, Bahamas where there's one road that's a circle around the island and the food boat arrives weekly to stock the lone grocery. We stopped at the ATM and I left my card in the machine. The next morning a lady and her daughter stroll up to our tiny chalet and returns it.

"How did you know it was mine?" I ask after inviting them inside and offering drinks on a hot morning.

"It couldn't have been anyone else's," she says matter of factly.

We really fell in love with the place.

Key West, Florida is at the top of Sarah's list of other places to be, another island with lots going for it ... accepting tourists as their own, "Irish Kevin's Pub" is continuous fun, Mallory Square sunsets are a hoot and you can get naked in "The Garden of Eden."

Plus Joey and Bill live there and we love Joey and Bill.

The French side of St. Martin will forever hold a special place in my heart with it's beautiful beaches, friendly people, clothing optional life and lots of friends live there. It's become busy and crowded on the Dutch side and Marigot, the capitol of the French side, is a traffic nightmare but ... you just pull over to the side, find a Lo Lo , order a Dutch Coffee and wait for traffic to clear.

Plus Carlos and Verna live there and Sarah and I were honored to be the first to learn of their marriage over dinner at their house ... and Verna makes the best chicken wings E.V.E.R. ... A.N.Y.W.H.E.R.E.

"Chicken Day" in Puerto Limon, Costa Rica is an absolute must on the "Repeat Bucket List." Strolling into the lone Grocery, Sarah makes friends speaking baby Spanish while I take a number and get in line at the counter. People offer me money for my ticket but I shake my head in English.

Finally making it to the front of the crazy line I can purchase as many live chickens as I want.

They only sell the fresh stuff in Grocery Stores in Puerto Limon not like the frozen stuff here.

Cobh, Ireland makes the list in spite of the cold though it is a seaport that's drop dead gorgeous, has Kelly's Bar, really great museums including being the Titanic's last Port-of-Call.  Plus at 12:01 a.m. on her birthday an Irish Band break into "Happy Birthday" for Sarah and it's something you never forget.

Well, those are the things I want to do today.

What about you?

That's terrible we laugh

A key element in my successes ... and a major detriment to many ... is I like to have fun.

Picture this!

Working with homeless people, addicts of all types, the uninsured, people dying with AIDS, the mentally ill and with death happening all around ... you gotta laugh.

It's a key ingredient to getting through life.

I admit mastering Gallows Humor ... joking and laughing at very unpleasant, serious, or painful circumstances ... such as death, war, disease, divorce, crime, and Southern Baptist theology.

Need an example?

Alright.

His name was Norm and he was dead.

He hated me when he was alive because he refused to do anything except sit in a wheelchair and tell me he couldn't do anything.

He could eat ... a lot.

He also amassed a substantial collection of Porn that he kept under his bed ... in the dorm with 49 other homeless men ...so to this day I'm completely uncertain what he did with it ... but he had a lot.

We were painting the homeless shelter and I told him he had to help ... which of course he refused ... saying he couldn't get out of his wheelchair.

"Alright," I say handing him a brush and a bucket of stain, "you paint the Chair guard. It's the perfect height for you."

He did.

Then he died.

Having named me the Executor of his Estate.

Regardless of the Biblical admonition to "Love Thy Neighbor"... I don't even like Norm ... and he didn't like me ... but sitting in the Attorney's office ... wondering how a homeless man in a wheelchair has an estate ... I know the Son-of-a-Bitch got me in the end.

"What are we talking about here Counselor?" I ask the Lawyer.

"He left $45 in a checking account ... two pair of shoes ... a couple of bags of clothes."

I hate Norm.

"You going to close the account?"

"Of course," I reply. "Does it cover your fee?"

"No, no, no," he laughs evilly.

Did I mention I hate Norm.

When I tell my homeless friends back at the shelter what Norm's done they howl with laughter ... which of course ... makes me laugh too ... because it's contagious ... and in the end will get you through most anything.

Oh yeah ...

The Hospital calls asking when I'm claiming Norm's body because it's starting to purge.

"Soon," I laugh. "Soon."

Shutting off the phone my friends grab me as they fall on the floor laughing, wiping tears from their eyes, and slapping each other on the back.

"That's terrible," they laugh.

The phone immediately rings again ... flashing it's the Hospital ... and everyone laughs harder.

Almost Free At Last

I threw out virtually all of my long pants.

Three pair of blue jeans remain for those damn winter days and two pair of Kaki pants in case I have to dress up for a special occasion.

Otherwise if I have to wear clothes it's black running shorts and a tee shirt.

The operative word is "IF."

I used to dress up every day so I looked like all the other people who dress up to (a) impress others with their fancy clothes (b) assimilate and look exactly like everybody else (c) hide the body God gave them.

It's a crazy way to live but that's how they do it in Congress, Church and Chamber of Commerce places.

It boils down to a couple of things.

(1) People like to pretend they're something they're not so they dress to hide this or deflect from that meaning they've got serious issues themselves.

(2) Ever since Adam and Eve ruined religion by inventing clothes to cover themselves and making God mad in the process ... leading to the world's first known "eviction" ... people have been trying to legitimize their decision.

Don't you think denial is a bad justification for religion?

Anyway, I am by no means "Sin Free" ... hence the black running shorts and tee shirts ... but I am making significant progress.

I'm Almost Free At Last!

How about you?

Perception verses MY reality

What a weekend!!

I worked my ass off.

I know ... I know ... a lot of you believe I'm all ass all the time ... and perhaps I am to you ... perception is reality is what I learned in Philosophy class in College.

Okay I actually only occasionally attended Philosophy Class in College because the Professor ... Dr. Marks ... was an ass ... so I skipped a lot.

But one day Guy Sayles, my friend and America's greatest minister, made me attend and I learned, "perception is reality."

If you believe it ... then it's true.

Did I mention Dr. Marks was an ass?

If he believed in Hell ... which he didn't ... he'd be there ... but I digress.

I perceive I'm a Millionaire but ... it's not my reality ... but I have a good time anyway ... though I do not like debt.

I believe I'm a great singer  but ... it's not my reality ... but I have a good time anyway ... and act like Elvis ... but am a better performer than he ever was.

I'm convinced I play guitar as good as Chris Delsa but ... it's not my reality ... but I have a good time anyway ... and normally play well enough to get through the song without making people cry.

I KNOW I am a snappy dresser ... but it's not my reality ... but I have a good time anyway ... if clothes are necessary ... which they are not ... they should be black running shorts and a UGA tee shirt ... which you should take off as quickly as possible.

There is no question I am an incredible love making machine ... this part is my reality ... and I really have a good time ... NO! ... Sarah is not available to take your calls, answer your emails, private messages, Snap Chats or video conferencing.

I think I'm a great friend ... you'll have to ask others if its reality or not ... but I do have a good time ... and have lots of stories that I like to tell ... but Sarah's heard them all multiple times and she'd rather watch "The Bachelorette" if we're not making love.

I'm pretty sure God is cool with me ... She doesn't say a lot so it may or may not be reality ... but I have a good time anyway ... talking to God on the Beloved Back Deck ... interviewing Jesus for "The Rolling Stone" ... getting drunk with my Guardian Angel ... and planning the next Bar Church service.

Anyway ... my reality is I'm home babysitting and Cassidy, the 8 year old, just woke up ... if breakfast over a streaming I-Pad doesn't happen soon ... all Hell's gonna break loose!

That W.A.Y. too real for me.

Damn Dr. Marks who apparently got paid to teach me crap.

But ... I do love my life.

Night Visits

Sure enough my Dad shows up last night in a Golf Cart driven by my Uncle Bobby who refuses to get out because he doesn't want to talk to me.

Dad however is extremely excited about the upcoming University of Georgia football season!

Leaving Uncle Bobby, the sole survivor of his siblings, in the Golf Cart, my Father is ready to catch up on things.

He talks a lot about how Quayvon Hicks is leading us to the National Title this year.

"Dad," I answer, "you want to go on a boat ride?"

The great thing about dreams is anything can happen.

In an instant Dad is captaining us on a pontoon boat in Calibogie Sound.

Sarah shifts in the bed, throws her arm around me and I grab her hand, see the silhouettes of Palm Trees outside our bedroom window and remember.

Dad was so excited.

He and Mom had a place in Hilton Head they share with their best friends and we're visiting.

Somehow Dad has a pontoon boat and we're off looking for Dolphins ... which we find ... and in those days you can feed ... which we did to the delight of the mammals and the joyful screams of Jeremy and Kristen.

My sister Angie's with us and snaps a picture of Dad.

Sarah rolls over so I roll over too and throw my arm around her.

I've come to believe it's Dad's way of keeping up.

He wants to know Sarah ... Maddie, Laurel, and Cass ... keep with Jeremy, Kristen and Chelsea ... give Sam Hell about Georgia Tech and reconnect with Terenca and their girls.

Uncle Bobby is screaming at Dad that it's time to go.

That's what the living get to do for the dead!

Order them around!

"Bye Son," Dad says.

"Bye Dad," I cry as Sarah throws her arm around me again.

An Estate Sale

Sad people carry things in and out of the tiny purple house across the street from ours.

A sad little green sign announces it's an "Estate Sale."

I suppose the really good stuff's already been picked through but if you need the same spoon the deceased used ... well you're in luck.

The deceased was a nutty woman forever locking herself out of her own house.

"Can you help me?" she asks and I wander around until I find a window that's not locked and climb through to let her back inside.

She'd giggle at my ass hanging half way in and halfway out of her window.

Once, for the fun of it, she pulled down my black running shorts just cause she could and I scream bloody murder while she laughs.

She also pushed her lawnmower over because she couldn't crank it herself ... because she forgot to prime it by pushing the little black bubble under the gas tank.

"Oh," she signs full of embarrassment, quickly pushing the mower into her yard without saying thanks.

She was forever frustrated with Sarah, the girls and me because ... I have no idea why ... she was nuts.

We carve pumpkins for Halloween and she wanders into our yard asking if she can have them when we they're no longer yard decorations.

"I'll make you pumpkin pie," she grins.

A few weeks later the pumpkins have melted in the sun and black flies surround them as I use a shovel to scoop them into the trash.

"YOU TOLD ME I CAN HAVE THEM!" she yells.

"They're disgusting!" I say.

She storms off and later has a confrontation with Sarah in the middle of the street which  is never a good idea but greatly entertains all of our neighbors who spend weeks talking about it.

Last Halloween ... Laurel, the 11 year old, and I secretly leave fresh pumpkins on her front porch.

She was dead then but no one knew ... locked up alone inside of her house ... for God knows how long?

The pumpkins sat there for the longest time without rotting ... until one day they were gone.

Like her.

Like you and me one day.

Whenever that day comes, I hope I've already given everything away ... so there's no Estate Sale.

In the end, I'm pretty sure hoarding gets you nowhere.

I still believe in giving though sometimes I'm uncertain if it takes you to nowhere too.  

Avoiding Justice

"Can we go to the Mall?" she asks as we learn it's date day between the precious little 9 year old and me.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F'ING MIND?" I sweetly reply.

Who goes to the Mall any more?

More importantly ... why?

I recently read more car jacking's occur in Mall Parking lots than anywhere else so why go?

Cassidy, the alleged 9 year old, likes to shop at "Justice" ... which is chock full of that colorful crap you try to pick up with a metal arm for a quarter a try in Amusement Parks and other Churches across America.

I went to "Justice" once.

I was proving my love for Sarah by going to the Mall and win over the girls to the "salty side."

It did not work.

Well it did in the sense that Sarah and I are happily married but the girls remain "iffy" about everything ... except "Justice."

Oh they love me but given the choice of spending quality time with me or going to "Justice" I am "Dust in the Wind."

It's important to understand where you rank in life.

"Let's go to the beach Cass," I tell her. "We'll have lunch on the Pier."

Rolling her eyes, she grabs the I-Pad and storms into her room which is, of course, decorated by "Justice."

The good news is she's still asleep.

I'm having a great morning, alone on the Beloved Back Deck, listening to good music and wondering if Cass will sleep throughout the day so I can continue avoiding "Justice."

It makes me wonder what's happened to Tybee Island.

It's gone to shit.

There used to be one of those machines with the "Justice" crap in the bottom that you could pick up with a metal hand for a quarter at "Chu's Department Store."

It's not there anymore ... I'm sure because of some code violation ... and I sure wish it was like the old days ... when Tybee was an old beach town ... and there was lots for kids to do.

Keep Flushing!

Even when everything is going right, something's going wrong.

It's one of the laws of the Universe.

Part of God's Divine Plan.

There have been times when everything looked great from the outside looking in!

I made lots of money, was a public darling in the Press, my counsel was sought by many, I weighed exactly what I should, was in great shape and hair completely covered my head.

At the same time, I was very unhappily married (as was she), learning money doesn't buy everything, the Press never stops wanting more, neither do people's demands, working out was just a way of managing stress and I had a mullet.

It's Ying and Yang right?

Now everything's flipped.

I am so happily married, don't have any money, the Press doesn't call anymore, not as many people want things, I'm out of shape and I like the hair I have left.

Plus our children are healthy, apparently happy, pay on two houses when most only have one and lots have none, have health insurance, and the grass in the yard is really green.

But ... a storm blew last night ripping the Umbrella on the Beloved Back Deck to Hell, splitting a tree in the yard so half of it's laying on the roof, someone stole my ladder, I don't own a chain saw and we're out of bread.

What do you do?

We watch a movie, eat popcorn and munch on M&M's.

It was a good movie and Sarah, Maddie and I lay on the couch and poke fun at each other truly loving the family we are, eat too much and completely lose ourselves in somebody's else's world.

Then we go to sleep.

Well ... Sarah and I didn't immediately go to sleep but we did immediately go to bed.

It was great.

Then we wake up this morning, grab our phones and learn more shit happened while we watched the movie, ate the popcorn and M & M's, loved who we are and got lost in another world.

Then this morning we wake up grab our phones and learn more shit has happened.

Not the world's shit like Bill Cosby and Congress but our shit ... like the toilet won't flush.

I mean it flushes but it won't go down which causes the water bill to go up because what do you do besides keep flushing until everything's finally right?

Nice Dreams

Sometimes I just want to sleep.

I'm tired of worrying and fears come at me as though fired from a relentless machine gun and it's just too much to handle.

"Please God, let me have nice dreams," I think or mutter.

Sometimes I do.

Sarah and I dance on sandy beaches where it's never winter.

Our kids do crazy things in fascinating combinations which make me laugh.

Someone sticks fried chicken in the inside pockets of my blazer which I pull out during a presentation before Congress and munch on.

Mayor Floyd Adams and I pee on Congressman Jack Kingston in the Crystal Beer Parlor receiving a standing ovation from a huge crowd.

People I care about who are long dead arrive reminding me of things we did or show me things we meant to do but didn't ... so we work it out because they refuse to die until we do.

My Dad still asks, "How 'Bout them Dawgs?"

Grandma Carver continues to rub her fingers through my hair as I lay in her lap while she sings "The Old Rugged Cross."

It's wonderful nutty stuff that kicks reality's ass!

On the nights I don't dream ... it pisses me off.

I like dreaming.

Then I wake and hold Sarah tight and lay there separating fiction from fact ... grabbing what's real ... staring at the Palm Trees through the windows towards a rising sun ... I am thankful for another day of reality.

The love of my life swats my arm away from her belly.

The dogs and the cat jump on the bed anticipating her waking.

She stops swatting me and swats them.

It's too intense so I crawl out of bed and stumble to the outdoor shower to start daydreaming.

Because I am a believer.

Every little things gonna be alright.

Reclaiming the Garden of Eden

It's "National Nude Day" one of my favorite holidays.

The overwhelming majority of people spend less than 10 minutes a day naked.

Most of that time is in the shower ... hiding behind a curtain.

The next amount of naked time is spent having sex which is now a speed competition.

On the days people have sex there's a marginal bump in the national average of time spent naked to about 10 minutes and 47 seconds.

I don't know about you but 47 seconds allowed for naked sex isn't especially impressive.

I confess I don't know the average time spent on "clothed" sex but I'm sure it's huge.

But to each their own.

On the other hand I celebrate National Nude Day every day, far exceeding the 10 minute national average.

I know ... I know ... there're a lot of Puritans out there who believe in covering everything up all of the time.

But God made us without clothes and for some reason we've been trying to improve upon that.

It started when Adam and Eve thought it was a good idea to listen to a snake.

What a stupid idea!

Who listens to snakes?

Why were they talking to one in the first place?

Whatever!

The world's been going to Hell since they grabbed fig leafs and made the first clothes.

It pissed God off so bad he kicked them out of the Garden of Eden.

NATIONAL NUDE DAY is for those us determined to reclaim the Garden of Eden.

You have to start somewhere and that means downsizing and losing the laundry.

After all clothing is a horrible contribution to the world's issues.

People buy them because they believe "clothes make the man" which is a silly concept because you can dress up what you got all day long but inside the cloth you are who you are and always will be.

We believe you "dress for success" but there are boatloads of unsuccessful ... and underachieving ... dressed people in the world ... mostly in Congress.

Then there is the clergy who dress in suits, put a robe over it AND STAND BEHIND A PULPIT so nobody can see them as they truly are.

N.A.K.E.D.

Plus we overstuff our closets ... pass clothes on to others who don't want them ... give them to Goodwill when we don't know what else to do ... Goodwill sells them or turns them into rags ... they eventually get thrown away ... occupying the nation's landfills.

National Nude Day is against such atrocities.

If  YOU want to keep sabotaging the way God intended things to be ... get dressed.

If you want to celebrate with God ... get naked.

Those are your options.

There are no others.

Who Can Say?

"What is truth?" Pilate asks Jesus who doesn't reply.

"I can't say anymore," The Moody Blues offer centuries later.

I'm with the Blues on this one ... it's hard to say which is perhaps why Jesus didn't.

Earlier to his friends he did say "I am the way, the truth and the life" so it's funny that Jesus doesn't repeat it when asked by Government Authority.

Then again Government knows very little about truth which is likely why Pilate's asking in the first place ... Like most elected or appointed officials he has no clue.

Nevertheless I can see Pilate standing there acting like he knows because one of the rules of Government is you only ask questions you already know the answers to ... or at least think you know.

For Pilate the truth of the matter is he can go along with the majority opinion and kill the poor guy or do what he thinks is right.

Like most politicians, Pilate chooses to agree with what the Polls say and Jesus is crucified in a grand way drawing huge crowds.

The whole thing got great reviews.

Again The Moody Blues offer an explanation as to why they can't say what truth is ... "Cause I love you."

I like that.

Love biases me in the same way public opinion and majority rule biases politicians.

Then again Jesus talked an awful lot about love ... even saying that's what God is ... pure, unadulterated L.O.V.E.

I like that too.

The best I ever feel is when love is pouring out all over the place and it's Holy, Righteous, Cleansing and fun as Hell!

The most defiled I ever feel is when politicians answer their own questions or prostitute themselves for the majority opinion.

This is one of the tricks I admire  most about politicians ... sometimes they vote against the majority opinion but it's only because they've counted the numbers know what's going to happen before it does.

I once watched a State Representative make a passionate plea before his colleagues just to show me he cares about what I care about  but ... when he finished and shook the hands of his fellow politicians ... they unanimously voted him down.

After all I had contributed to his campaign.

But it was all for show.

So I think that Jesus knew there was no point in answering.

Politicians and Appointed Officials are pretty easy to figure out ... they want to get re-elected, re-appointed and keep everything they've got.

Because they love it.

Not because they love us.

Certainly not because they know God is love.

My Dawning Day

Stumbling down the stairs, stepping over Goddess sleeping on the landing, I make my way through the Man-Cave porch out the door ending at the outdoor shower.

Turning the water on I stand and stare at the sliver of white moon in black blue sky.

The choirs of cicada have returned loudly singing Hymns of Praise.

Everything I need is in the outdoor shower so I brush my teeth, bath, shave under the fading stars.

The Cat Lady next door has a light on but isn't making any noise.

Our neighbors across the street have a security light which is on blazing in my direction so I  pull the door shut just enough to deflect.

No one's walking their dogs or jogging on our street yet so I'm not compelled to completely shut the shower door.

I take my time because it's such a great and Holy way to start a day.

Shutting the water off, I grab the towel and wander across the deck back inside the Man-Cave porch, up the stairs, across Goddess and inside our bedroom.

Throwing on black running shorts and a UGA tee shirt, I pause to kiss my sleeping wife on the top of her head.

Creeping through the living room I notice for the first time that Laurel, the 11 year old, and Cassidy, the 8 year old, are asleep on the sofa.

They are not sleeping in a good way but have arms and legs thrown in every possible direction as though a bomb exploded between them.

They are the epitome of sweet beauty.

In the kitchen I swallow the blood pressure and cloistral medicine, grab dog treats, throw them at our animals and tip toe outside where I slide into my flip-flops.

It's time for coffee and community so I drive 110/MPH down backstreets to The Breakfast Club meandering in the door marked "Exit/Only."

Johnny O greets me with a verb followed by a pronoun.

"Any time you want," I answer pouring myself a cup and sliding on the stool across from his.

Sometimes we're quiet but often it's a laugh fest as the cooks finish prepping and need some relief before all Hell breaks loose with relentless customers.

 They won't stop moving until they close ... then they still have to move some more.

Just as they open, we leave and I make my way back home.

Tip toeing inside, I grab more treats for the animals who follow me to the Beloved Back Deck where I open my computer to watch the world.

Grabbing my I-Phone, hitting play, "The Boat Drunks" drown out the choirs of cicada as the sun rises into the Palm Tree with the oyster eyes, coconut bra and grass skirt.

By now I am completely lost in thought ... about people I love ... prayers ... perplexity over how shitty things are ... hopefulness of what today will bring.

Occasionally I tip toe inside to see if Sarah's still sleeping.

If she is, I tip toe back outside.

If she's not ... it's morning kisses.

And that's how the day begins.