'm a big believer in patterns in life. Looking for them and understanding them is key.
If someone consistently tells you they love you and makes it pretty obvious then they probably love you.
If somebody else treats you like a nobody, they likely think you're a nobody.
Sure everybody has aberrations and screw ups ... the person who loves you meets you and is suddenly unlovely and distant ... and it leaves you questioning everything about that love. And the person who thinks little of you is sometimes overcome by their need for you and, at least for a moment, they are grateful for you.
I've been considering the patterns in my life.
The other night I went to a birthday party for a blessing of a little girl. Sam and Gordon, who play damn good music on Tybee Island, showed up with guitar and harmonica and sang to her. "Happy Birthday to you" followed by "You say it's your birthday, It's my birthday too yeah!"
She sat there completely overwhelmed by it.
Her mother said, "Well, this sets the bar for every birthday party moving forward."
I laughed considering life's patterns have to be measured against certain bars.
In another life, not too long ago ... I had everything ... and I had nothing. An incredibly successful career, known everywhere I went, plenty of money, a beautiful wife, books I'd written, speeches I'd given, expectations to live up to ... "I used to rule the world, seas would rise when I gave the word. But now I sleep alone ... sweep the streets I used to own."
First I lost me ... to all of these other things. It is a terrible thing to lose yourself. You sleepwalk through your own life trying to justify your existence and love from what other people give you. But that's what I did and it brings a heaviness that you cannot imagine.
Then I lost I lost the wife. She fled because there was no "me" to love anymore I guess. I don't know. She started leaving years before she actually left ... but I never recognized the patterns. Stupid me! I was preoccupied with losing myself.
Then the work went away and it took many people with it. That was shocking! I mean for years they'd told me how special I am and how much they love me but ... suddenly I was no longer in a position to ... do things for them on demand. So they moved on to who could leaving me to discover "that my castles stand upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand."
The winds of change blew ... and all of that was gone.
Somehow ... I held on to a few things ... where I live ... a handful of friends ... a dog ... and I wept at everything I'd lost.
I don't remember when ... but I remember who ... reminded me of a verse from the Bible ... "This day I call on heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life so that you and your children may live."
So I chose ... life.
First I got me back though it took a long time and was a lot of hard work. There are moments and times when I lose myself again but that is anomaly and not the norm. I regain myself quickly.
Then the love came back and it was far more giving than any love I've ever had ... and it humbles me ... and I find that I spend my time wanting to serve and honor that love.
The work is not quite back yet. I've been working for good and holy things but ... its not all settled like the holding on to me and holding on to the love parts ... but I believe ... it will come ... I just can't rush ... I must believe and wait on it to come to me ... which is not to say I should be surprised at whatever comes because I am prepared for ... whatever comes.
So I stand on this precipice.
The castles are not quite what they were, but the rooms are filled with light and happiness.
"It was the wicked and wild wind, blew down the doors to let me in ... shattered windows and the sound of drums ... people couldn't believe what I'd become."
You know what?
To hell with them.
I've become me.
