It's hard making myself eat.
Every meal!
I have to psych myself up for even the most tasty plates.
Once I get started, I'm normally okay but the beginning is often traumatic!
I eat very little, very slowly and it gives the appearance I savor each bite, thoughtfully enjoying dinner conversations.
It's hard to chew when you don't really want to eat.
I sigh a lot during meals, throwing Sarah and the girls into "emergency mode" because I might get sick again and nobody wants that.
I've had two really good days in a row and I'm now confident with everything within me it's going to be 3, and just like Jesus kicking the stone away from the tomb, I'll be back just like I was before!
But neither happened.
Having cancer means spending most of your time psyching myself up for whatever's next.
Sarah is quick to point out that just because I said I've had two consecutive high energy days doesn't necessarily mean SHE'S enjoyed them.
As we all know, just because we believe something is true doesn't mean that's actually the case.
According to her I'm forever meandering off into Winnie-the-Pooh's "Three Acre Wood", "Pepperland", "Hyatt Asbury" or inside "Joe's Garage" with Frank Zappa.
I love each of these places!
Sarah?
Not so much.
I'm "there" and not really "here", miss entire conversations, say things that make no sense and have somehow mastered the art of "making a mess while cleaning up!"
Most of the time though I try to be helpful and useful to Sarah and the girls, which isn't to say that I am, though God knows I believe I'm useful.
"It's hard to believe you aren't doing things on purpose," she sighs as it's apparent I have no idea what she's talking about and feel attacked.
"I'm just trying to talk and understand," she wearily continues.
Sometimes it takes us days of talking to get to the place where we're finally communicating.
Painfully, I learn in a rush the numerous examples of trying to help most often disrupts, slows or erases whatever Sarah trying to accomplish.
Feeling like a kid caught and sent to the Principal's Office, I understand I'm making things harder for my already overwhelmed wonder of a woman.
Eventually, we find the humor and laugh a weary, sad acceptance of our newest reality in our ever changing landscape of what's real.
