Staring at the red and white lights remind me of a Christmas Tree, with only half the lights working. I plainly see where dark shapes should be lit, so it's a connected, shinning brightly, fully lit tree.
"Micheal are you okay?" Sarah whispers in my ear, rubbing my back. "You're zoning out. Is this too much for you?"
"I'm not zoning out," I softly say, continuing to stare at the little black holes.
Sarah squeezes my hand and I hear concern in her voice, assurance in her touch.
Dr. Starr stops reviewing the Pet Scan images, highlighting where the cancer is with red and white lights, and is now quietly staring at us.
I squeeze Sarah's leg and say, "You called this month's ago," continuing to stare at the lights inside of me.
"The dark spots is the prostate cancer but the scan highlights the mastication of the pancreatic," Sarah says.
Dr. Starr agrees, points out the contrast in the images on the screen and says, "They're growing but not at the rate I anticipated after stopping treatment. I think we ought to keep doing what we're doing."
We sit in silence for a moment.
"Micheal are you okay?" Sarah whispers in my ear, rubbing my back. "You're zoning out. Is this too much for you?"
"I'm not zoning out," I softly say, continuing to stare at the little black holes.
Sarah squeezes my hand and I hear concern in her voice, assurance in her touch.
Dr. Starr stops reviewing the Pet Scan images, highlighting where the cancer is with red and white lights, and is now quietly staring at us.
I squeeze Sarah's leg and say, "You called this month's ago," continuing to stare at the lights inside of me.
"The dark spots is the prostate cancer but the scan highlights the mastication of the pancreatic," Sarah says.
Dr. Starr agrees, points out the contrast in the images on the screen and says, "They're growing but not at the rate I anticipated after stopping treatment. I think we ought to keep doing what we're doing."
We sit in silence for a moment.
"I'm your outliner?"
He nods, looking away, grinning.
"So I'm the patient you tell your other patients about?"
He nods, looking away, grinning.
"So I'm the patient you tell your other patients about?"
Our eyes lock, and dance for a few seconds. He grins, nods and the dance becomes delightful.
I'm a little euphoric already when Sarah asks, "So Micheal's going to be the case in the book you're writing?"
She squeezes my hand and we lock eyes, share a grin and the richness of the moment.
He nods again, shyly smiling, looking sheepishly at Sarah.
"How are you doing?" he asks, turning to me, pivoting nicely.
"I'm fucking great!"
"And what to you attribute this to?"
"My lifestyle!" I laugh. "And the Weed."
"And the Weed," he laughs.
Turning to the Intern watching our consult, Dr. Starr says, "We're advisors. It's important to listen to what our patients are saying and we advise on the best course of action."
"Don't forget to tell him about the red wine," I happily add.
Dr. Starr sighs, laughs and says, "Ah yes, and then there's the obligatory conversation about alcohol. Micheal has one glass a few days a week."
"A big glass," Sarah laughs, "most every day of the week."
Dr. Starr laughs.
The Intern looks confused.
Sarah, still squeezing my hand, smiles and I'm excited at thoughts of keep doing what we're doing.
She squeezes my hand and we lock eyes, share a grin and the richness of the moment.
He nods again, shyly smiling, looking sheepishly at Sarah.
"How are you doing?" he asks, turning to me, pivoting nicely.
"I'm fucking great!"
"And what to you attribute this to?"
"My lifestyle!" I laugh. "And the Weed."
"And the Weed," he laughs.
Turning to the Intern watching our consult, Dr. Starr says, "We're advisors. It's important to listen to what our patients are saying and we advise on the best course of action."
"Don't forget to tell him about the red wine," I happily add.
Dr. Starr sighs, laughs and says, "Ah yes, and then there's the obligatory conversation about alcohol. Micheal has one glass a few days a week."
"A big glass," Sarah laughs, "most every day of the week."
Dr. Starr laughs.
The Intern looks confused.
Sarah, still squeezing my hand, smiles and I'm excited at thoughts of keep doing what we're doing.
I haven't had chemo in 3 months and, damn the growing cancers, I don't want to it anymore.
"I've done that once," as Bob Dylan said, "I think I'll do something else now."
We discuss additional treatments options, side effects and timelines of effectiveness.
"On average, patients who opt for nuclear treatment remain engaged for almost two years," Dr Starr concludes.
"What kind of time would we be buying though?" Sarah fires.
"Why don't we keep doing what we're doing?" he smiles.
Time stops and it's just Sarah and me, for a second anyway, that seems as though a thousand years.
"Let's keep doing what we're doing," Sarah and I both say, still holding hands.
Dr. Starr hugs me and then he grabs Sarah and hugs her too.
"Keep doing what you're doing," he calls over his shoulder, already explaining realities to the Intern, as we leave the Hospital, grinning.
