The sun drips heat over a flat and glassy ocean. The blue sky is burned to brown. Nothing moves. Birds don’t have the vitality to do anything so they stand in the sand. Even the early morning people fishing sit on their coolers with their heads in hands staring at the flat gray sea. It is though the collective energy of the beach has been swallowed under the water.
I run through the soft sand with sweat pouring off of me, chomping gum and listening to the Barenaked Ladies “break into the old apartment.” I can’t help but notice the stillness of the setting contrasting with me working my way through it. It is symbolic of where I’ve been and where I’m at now.
A year ago today I was in St. Martin sitting in the bow of a boat beside a beautiful reef, Tropical breezes and surrounded by good friends. I was responding to almost 300 emails on my Blackberry. Technology has stolen vacations from the way they were intended to be.
Back at Union Mission, things were still a mess though not as badly as they’d been several months earlier. I’d over-invested in the development of a state-of-the-art behavioral health center and we’d accumulated a $2 Million debt. It was unfortunate though things like that just happen sometimes. Then our CFO decided to manage funds without anybody else’s input and doubled the debt. It was a mess … kind of like the current federal debt situation!
We came up with good plans and cut the debt in half. We’d also figured out how to produce a minor but important positive cash flow position. I’d been working crazy hours coming up with plans and strategies to finish the process. A couple of million more was still needed to retire the remaining debt and we needed additional cash reserves.
So while I was worn out and tired … sorely in need of a vacation … I sat in the bow of that boat answering emails and making phone calls when I could get reception. Conner kept sticking his head in to hand me a beer, announce that all of the women were naked and I should drop my Blackberry in Caribbean Sea.
It’s hard not to love Conner.
A few days later I dropped it all the Caribbean Sea after all … and resigned from Union Mission. Then everything just stopped. I was finally taking the break that I’d been begging for … though of course nothing ever happens quite the way you think it is.
The first thing that I did was extend my stay in St. Martin. Then I ran up a $4000 phone bill for the month talking to funders, reporters, co-workers and friends. There was an insane amount of time talking to the Board Chair who chooses to remain anonymous, Jerry Rainey. Of course My Mom wanted to know what I was up to now.
Conner thought this to be a great turn of events and decided we should have a party.
When the unexpected or unwanted happens … have a party! So we did.
Then everything stopped and my life became as quiet and as still as the day is this morning. For the longest time, I relished in it. I became one with the stillness. I made no movement.
Some told me that I needed to climb on another horse and ride as I have too much to offer to simply stop. Others wrote me off because I was no longer who I had been and obviously wasn’t valuable anymore. A tiny handful showed up to share the stillness with me. Words were few, encouragement was unspoken but their love was apparent.
It mostly stayed this way for months though these friends kept coming, realizations came next, then a journey to discover me again without all of the expectations of others. Quiet became the norm. Solitude was the practice prayer. I was like the sculptor who chiseled daily at the slab of marble until he eventually discovered what was inside.
Then I found me again.
And movement began. The stillness that had engulfed me for so long was suddenly interrupted by … me.
Over the past few weeks I’ve had parties. First were those who are closest to me. Then my kids showed up the next week ... my college friends this past weekend. Conner and I will commence again in a few weeks back in St. Martin.
I make the turn from Back River onto south beach and there is the slightest of breezes coming out of the north which normally doesn’t happen this time of year. How winds blow from the south during the summer. Because I’m moving I run into it and it is refreshing.
I remember that planes take off because they head into the wind and do not go with the flow. I feel myself taking off.
A small purple cloud, hardly formed is in front of me and drops of moisture hit my face and body. I am rain kissed on a scorched summer day.
The life that used to be mine is back there behind me in the stillness of the past.
I run, rain kissed, to my future.
