Not as good as I was before but, I dunno, I'm not getting worse but I stopped getting better.
Still, I'm far more blessed than most who've taken this path before me, not of their own accord, but drafted nonetheless by the same mutated cells that invaded me.
Cancer is a lonely, wicked road.
Sarah walks it with me because, I don't know why, she loves me.
I can no longer even pretend to match her relentless struggle to manage it all but, she keeps me on the road.
Her love lights the darkness though it's fueled by everything she's giving everyone leaving next to nothing for herself but exhaustion, frustration and unanswerable questions.
That's the life of a caregiver.
All I have is cancer.
I have one assignment.
Fight cancer!
Sarah's fights are on multiple fronts with numerous attacks simultaneously being launched from every direction.
Mine will come to an end.
Her's won't.
She's got to get ready for that while living life to it's fullest with me, a broken body full of determination to enjoy every second of joy till death do us part.
"Why does Mike write about death so much?" Maddie, our daughter branching out her wings to full span for the first time in her life asks.
The honest answer is I don't think I do.
What do I know?
Sarah's consistently showing me concrete evidence that I don't know anything I just said.
It's frustrating.
There are moments of lucidity though, breaking through and if they last long enough or if I can string enough together, and IF THERE'S TIME, I'll write.
My best moments, the high energy ones, I reserve for Sarah and the girls.
Occasionally there are bouts when time and lucidity meet and I turn on a flashlight under a night time sky to shoot beams at the stars, sometimes striking a heart.
At least what these writings seem to me.
I have more to say but time seems elusive as lights begin to fade.
I dream of Che with Sarah and I walking her down a sandy path through the dunes to stand with her feet in the Ocean as she marries the love of her life.
Afterwards I kiss Sarah with our toes in the sand just like when we married before walking away together to finally be a couple wanting nothing more than one another in a sand floor Beach house where waves break outside of our window.
The music of friends playing live music floats across the bay as we lay in each other's arms playing the rest of our lives.
That's the star beam shooting around my heart and I'm doing my best to be here when these moments arrive.
