Not that anyone asks me for my opinion.
I used to get asked my opinion all of the time but not so much these days.
My favorite is when I was speaking at Christ Church in historic downtown Savannah, Georgia.
Savannah's Christ Church is what would have happened if Jesus had gone to Peyton Place ... ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!
But those crazy Episcopalians know how to throw a schism!
Anyway I gave a speech and it must have been good because during the Q and A (that's questions and answers for the non-doctrinated ... though Unitarians have mastered all the questions but none of the answers while Southern Baptist have all the answers with no clue of the questions) ... people asked my opinion of things.
"If you were President, what would you do first?" the beautiful and gentile Mrs. Sprague asked.
I burst into uncontrollable laughter.
When I finally stopped she stood in front of the congregation expecting an answer.
I can't recall if I was being paid for this speech as a "Professional Christian" or if I was actually being a Christian in my spare time but ... I felt obligated to answer.
"Well," I cleverly began remembering Clarence Jordan, "if I was President ..."
Mrs. Sprague and the entire congregation burst into uncontrollable laughter at such a prospect.
When they finally stopped I continued.
"If I was President I would reinstate a mandatory draft ... EXCEPT we'd only draft people 62 or older. That way we'll wipe out all Social Security/Medicaid/Medicare expenses because they'll be in the Military. The budget will immediately be balanced and nursing homes will go out of business."
Mrs. Sprague and the congregation seemed confused but were pondering what I'd said.
"It gets better," I said sounding like every other President shoveling promises down throats, "all these AARP heroes aren't going to carry packs or guns making it difficult to engage in war. I believe we've had enough wars in America!"
Some members of the congregation clapped while others prayed for deliverance though one veteran stood and demanding to know how we'd protect the country against our enemies.
"We'll send our troops over to show the enemy pictures of their grandchildren! Who doesn't love grandchildren? The enemy will pull out their own photographs and before you know they're all planning some reunion."
The congregation applauded ... well except for the ones leaving in a hurry.
"Now isn't that the kind of war we want to fight in America?"
That was the last time I've been to Christ Church to speak.
But they've been busy at war with themselves ever since.
