Last night I was summoned by the Breakfast Club softball team to perform my duties as Chaplain of the Breakfast Club by showing to heckle the other team which takes soft ball as serious as those church league players. You know how church league softball is! They go for the jugular, castrate the other, slide with your cleats up in the name Jesus softball!
I have played for two Tybee Island softball teams in my life; the famous “Beach Bums” and the “Breakfast Cubs”. Both were in it for the fun interrupted only by bouts of seriousness … like, why is the cooler empty?
Anyway I had not been to a Breakfast Cubs game since I delivered their victory during the fall season when they asked me to deliver the invocation before the game. I did. They won.
This time they did not ask for invocation. They asked me to show and heckle the other team which takes itself as serious as church softball players. They did look like a church soft ball team with tidy white pants with no panty lines, professional looking jerseys and hats sporting their favorite team logos. They were intimidating.
On the other hand, the Breakfast Cubs looked like a bunch of surfers. The guys wore tee shirts promoting the legalization of marijuana, bathing suit bottoms and flip flops. The girl players wore halter tops and short shorts. It was clear to see who the underdog was.
So in a moment of brilliant strategy, Ryan Sadowski called asking me to come and heckle them. He knows that I am a Baptist minister and speak “Church soft ball” as a second language, which is basically condemning the other team to hell and doing everything you can to get them there by the seventh inning.
I was flattered. I am pretty good at it from my days at Jefferson Street Baptist Chapel where we formed a homeless church softball team. It was great! We never won a game. When we played Highview Baptist Church they started making fun of us before the game had even started. Sure our second baseman had schizophrenia, was intimidated by the manicured field and the bright lights so he lay down and hugged the base.
Our left fielder kept staring at the massive buildings of the mega church campus rather than watch the batter (he was learning that Baptist love buildings more than people). And our catcher never really caught anything. So they loudly made fun of us until I got … righteous indignation! Meaning they pissed me off.
So I started heckling back. My homeless team mates noticed that I was representing on their behalf. Sonny the left fielder turned to see what was going on. Dave, the second baseman rolled over and lay there staring me. Pouche the catcher kept missing every ball that came his way.
And in the name of Jesus they beat the shit out of us … laughing and celebrating like Samson did after beating the Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. So I know what it’s like to beaten by jawbones of asses. And they were!
But I learned how to heckle.
So I showed up last night but when I did there was my friend Katie and she gave me a hug. Then I was hugged by Caroline. Then Patti! And it kept on until Philip hugged me and then I was suddenly hugged out.
But I learned something. Hugging hinders heckling. I was really bad at it last night.
In the afterglow of so many wonderful hugs, I got to thinking. Hmmmm … What happens when one hug leads to another? And then another! And another! Then you’ve progressed to something else entirely!
I found this line of thought much more entertaining than the game. Then I got to thinking about what would happen if church softball teams hugged before games? Or elected officials? Police officers! Tybee Island Parking Services? (yeah … that last one’s not gonna happen)!
So I think that hugging should become a competitive sport.
I’ve been told that I’m pretty good at it and would like to take it to the next level. Training has already begun and I’m feeling pretty good about where I’m at. Of course it means rigorous commitment and high performance standards with multiple partners. I eat, sleep and dream hugging.
So … when your heart is heavy … hugs are in order.
When you’re happy … hugs are in order.
If you’re pulled over the cops … hugs are in order.
For no reason at all … hugs are in order.
Ok, I got to get back to training. My partner just showed and looks intense and well prepared. I gotta get my game face on!
Because today … I’m taking it to the next level!!
