"Au contraire," I answer, scrolling Twitter, snuggled with Che who's watching YouTube videos, "I don't have enough."
Laurel grins before making a pouty face.
"You mean you don't have enough to do TikTok," she fires.
TikTok is an App showcasing personal videos recorded on phones, uploaded for your enjoyment of people sharing life as they see it in one minute or less. Laurel lobbies for me to share my life as a weed smoking, 64 year old father with pancreatic cancer of a 4 year old and a smokin' hot wife who's a wonder of a woman.
"It'll be hilarious," she announces.
I checked TikTok out but told her, "It's too much work. I don't have enough time."
Ever since Laurel tells me I have too much on my hands.
The fact is the matter is I'm quite content with the time I've got.
For the most part I play whatever Che wants so my days are filled with Fairies, Pirates, Ballerinas, coloring books, building forts, musical performances, snuggles, endless games of Hide-n-Seek and trying to decipher new words she speaks with conviction.
Che's a lot like her mother.
Everything she does is with the utmost conviction.
Sarah and I walk the dogs and make plans for our immediate (is there any other kind?) future. We snuggle together every night watching television, have lunch dates, and go to the Doctor's office.
My wife works a lot, mothers four daughters and oversees my recovery while I'm building my ultimate play list so I never have to listen to a song I don't really like again. So far it's over 54 hours of songs but Spodify's repetitive rotation drives me crazy so I keep adding more tunes so the number of repeats goes down.
The rest of the day is filled with unresolved emotions, mostly life and death issues predicated upon Sarah living and me dying.
It's not morose.
It's liberating somehow, though I don't know how.
"When the two of you laugh," my Mom says, "it's the richest, most heartfelt, sound."
That's what happens when the love of your life doesn't let go during the freefall of cancer and we crash into Hell still holding hands but find ourselves still here so there's nothing else to do except laugh.
It's not just the laughter but the talks we have. The silence we share. The knowing glances when someone else is talking. The warmth of her hand in mine. The love emerging from every cell in our bodies when we hug. Everything about the way we're living now is more abundant than before!
There's an urgency to our marriage that heightens everything we experience living each moment.
It takes all my time.
Now I can't imagine how I've lived life like I did for so long and not like I am now.
