I didn't have anything else to do. Sarah's still asleep. Winston, the little gay dog, is licking where his balls used to be. Goddess is sleeping too. I was bored. That's why I'm doing it. I can't think of what else to do.
When was your last interview and does anyone care?
I think the last one was at WTOC. It was in the lobby and took about half-an-hour. The only people who cared was the Board Chair who chooses to remain anonymous (Jerry Rainey), who didn't want me to do it at Union Mission and Johnny O, who pointed out that I was old news because it was broadcast at 5:55 rather than right after six.
Well, we have lots to cover. There are lots of things other bored people want to know. Ready?
Whatev's.
Is Bill Berry, not the former drummer for REM but the other one, real?
That's a hard first question. He was real. At least I think he was real. He really threw me over the wall in a Monastery once. I'm pretty sure it was him who painted "Jesus Shaves" on the sanctuary wall. I remember he saluted the Polish boarder patrol in his underwear while I hid under the covers. He saved me from a bunch of Turkish whores one night in Prague. And a bus hit us once while we were on the way to Seminary together. I don't know. He sounds pretty real to me but I couldn't say for sure.
What about the Cat Lady? Is she real?
She's a real pain in the ass. That's pretty real!
Do you every talk to her?
Well, it's hard to get a word in edgewise because she's always screeching to her cats or moaning like them with the parade of buff boys marching in and out of her house. But yeah, we talk. It's hard though. Have you seen her? She looks like Marge Simpson on meth and it's hard to carry on a conversation when you have a little bit of throw up in your mouth.
Winston, the little gay dog, has amassed quite the following. Has it gone to his head?
Winston, the little gay dog, is real son-of-a-bitch! I mean that literally. To be honest though, I really don't spend a lot of time with him. He's forever shopping for slogan tee shirts online or answering fan mail. Sarah's his agent and I know they're in contract negotiations for him appear at Fantasy Fest in Key West this year. He seems to be doing alright.
How's Goddess doing?Oh Goddess is great! Goddess is good! She's aging gracefully and really doesn't give a shit about much anything. She likes it when Jodee and Cheryl come over. They're into bagism.
Last year, you and Sarah were in the Bar Church band. How's that going?
Well, God kicked us out. It was one of those Beatle things, you know, when they were asked if they were more popular than Jesus? We were just getting too popular. It was getting in the way so God told Sam to tell us to get the hell out. It's all good though. God told Sam to tell Jimmy Cochran to join and D-Luv is up to one finger on the piano these days. They sound good buried under Stephen's overbearing guitar solos. Sarah and I wish them the best.
What about The Carnival of Friends? Everyone doing alright?
Oh yeah. We don't get together too much these days to reminisce. Primarily because none of us can remember anything. But everybody's good. I saw Judy O this morning and she was her normal self ... lost, aimlessly wandering around, looking naked without a glass of wine in her hand.
Speaking of naked, how's your testosterone levels?
Thanks for asking. They're the highest they've ever been. It's because of Sarah though. I can't take all of the credit. She makes certain they get plenty of sunlight every day.
Are you still the Chaplain at the Breakfast Club?
Yeah sure, but it's mostly a ceremonial title these days. I mean the place got so popular and has tons of Groupies. They line up before the suns up so the place went to hell years ago. There's not much a Chaplain can really do.
So what's next? Anything new on the horizon?
Yep. A book on Winston, the little gay dog, is being released soon. It deals with how he found himself and he collaborated with Goddess in writing it. It's pretty good. And I have a new book coming out too called "Sandy Bottoms and Duct Taped Hearts." It's a book about being Spiritual hence the title. I'm doing a lot of teaching these days too. It's all online so you don't have to actually go to class or anything.
How's Sarah?
I already told. She's asleep.
Yeah you did. Well, anything else to want to add?
About what?
I dunno.
Me either.
Alrighty then.
Yep.
