It was my second trip to Santa Barbara. The first was in 2006 and it was a hoot! The second gathering of the International Street Medicine was taking place there ... doctors and nurses who provide medicine on the streets of the world ... were gathering. I'm still uncertain how I got invited but I was. I'd been at the first the previous year in Pittsburgh and inexplicably was invited to the second.
Dr. Mimi Doolan was the hostess and had us all booked at a ... Convent. I got nothing against Convents but they have a lot of rules. I've always had problems with rules. I think I get it from my Dad. Anyway we checked into the tiny little Nun Sweet where there were two twin beds, a picture of the Sacred Heart, a window and a sink. The window had a glorious view of the city at the bottom of the mountain. The sink had a paper thin wash cloth.
On the back of the door was a list of rules. (1) No Alcohol (2) Leave things as they are (3) No profanity (4) No Copulation (5) No smoking (6) No wife beaters (8) No coveting (9) No Pizza (10) No music (11) Marijuana use in Chapel only ... the list went on and on.
"No Shit," I said out loud as I examined the list of rules that started at the top of the door and ended in little tiny writing at the very bottom.
Immediately I drove the rental car to Target with a stop at the Liquor Store. I bought speakers for my I-Pod, a cooler, beer and wine, condoms, a copy of Playboy and Hustler, and a can of tennis balls.
Returning to the Convent, a Nun in full black habit stood in the middle of the road with her legs spread and her palm held out ordering me to stop the car.
I rolled the window down. "Yes Dear?"
"The Lord Bless and Keep you," she bellowed. "Do you have any contraband that you should confess to me?"
"No Dear," I answer.
"Bless you my son," she said and let me pass.
Back in the tiny little Nun Sweet, I pushed the twin beds together, set up the speakers, cranked up The Rolling Stones "Far Away Eyes", opened the cooler and got a beer, left the door open, threw a tennis ball against the hallway wall, and opened up the Hustler to read a very interesting article.
The sound of the tennis ball bouncing against the wall brought the doctors and nurses out of their tiny little Nun Sweets. They looked at me and immediately all ran to their rental cars.
An hour later, one hell of a party commenced.
Over the next three days we broke all of the Convent rules and seven of the Ten Commandments. A couple of Doctors were seen dancing with Nuns ... but mostly it was nurses dancing with them.
When I walked into the office to return my skeleton key, it was the same Nun who had stopped me in the road who was checking me out.
"Do you have anything to confess my Son?" she asked.
"About what?" I answered.
She stared at me.
I stared back.
"May the Lord Bless and Keep you," she finally said.
"Thanks Sis," I said grabbing the cooler to take to the rental car.
But you know what? The Lord has blessed and kept me. She's really good to me.
