Both residents and visitors alike offered dangerous things about Tybee Island that I've experienced and they were willing to share.
For all those who initially wrote considering purchasing one of the several thousand homes currently on the market and who have concerns about what life is really like on the island ... I offer what others have to say.
Republicans: There are a shitload of them on Tybee. They're easy to spot because they're all white. I mean really white! I mean like they haven't seen sunshine in decades!
This is because they're always meeting at the "American Legion" for "Hate Obama," "Hate Hillary" and "Hate Most Everything" meetings.
They are so intense they never notice the hippies, hipsters and surfers crashing whatever's going on because the Legion serves the cheapest drinks on Tybee Island.
(Thank you Robin Wheeler).
The Beach Bum Parade: Honestly the people of Tybee hate tourists.
That's why everybody who visits gets a ticket.
It's also why we have the annual Beach Bum parade which is a giant, orchestrated water fight to empty the Florida Aquifer because ... in spite of recycling cans in everybody's yard ... Tybee Island carts it all to the same landfill.
While the parade was a wonderful in the beginning ... it quickly eroded into people standing their yards with garden hoses and water balloons waiting on tourists arriving for the weekend with their windows rolled down.
God that's fun!
"We're finally on Tybee Baby!" yells the driver.
"Oh Honey, I love you for booking three nights at the Royal Palms and tonight I'm going to prove it ...SPLAT!!!"
She never finishes because the water balloon full of ice water hits her on the side of the head.
That's tame stuff now because a couple of years ago we started running over people.
(Thank you Sandi Postal)
Speed Signs: As though Tybee doesn't have enough cops ... we have a paramilitary police force with more heavy duty weapons than anywhere outside of the United States! ... electronic signs are strategically placed on the island to inform drivers of their speed.
The signs register a vehicle's speed at 5 miles/per/hour less than it's actually traveling.
This is where a paramilitary police officer is strategically placed to give the driver a ticket for speeding ... so the City can pay for speed scanners deemed illegal by the state, Tasers, sleek police cars and the operating cost of a new Headquarters paid for by a Special Options Sales Tax with no increases in the annual budget.
(Thank you Matt Few)
Sand Gnats: I'm uncertain if this refers to the minor league baseball the City Of Savannah is trying to give away because it's spending all of its Special Option Sales Tax money on a new Civic Center in a place nobody wants it ... or the little bastards that bite you when you've just laid your towel in the sand and you can't see 'em so you can kill 'em.
Come to think of it ... Savannah City Council and actual Sand Gnats are both the same.
(Thank you Santa John Driggers)
2nd Avenue: In an effort to prevent golf carts, bicyclists, walkers, joggers, and parents pushing baby carts being run over by the Tybee Island Paramilitary Police speeding after whoever they're going to ticket and not endanger pedestrians ... the "Elected People" on City Council designated 2nd Avenue a "Safe Place" to enjoy the island.
It works pretty good until you pass the daily "Whine and Cheese" where every one stops for a ... what President Clinton didn't do ... and some good Christian fellowship.
Actually the only time it doesn't work is when the Tybee Island Paramilitary Police speed down the "Pedestrian Friendly" street to ticket someone to pay for aforementioned slick new Headquarters.
(Thank you Anonymous Person scheduled to appear in Tybee Court in the aforementioned slick new Police Collusion Center in the not-too-distant future where you will pay as charged!)
Shirley Sessions: If you're coming to Tybee to escape everything wrong in your life ... and you need to commune with God ... be engulfed in the beauty of nature ... marvel at sunrises, sunsets and rainbows ... and heal ...
The last thing you need is someone telling you how "FABULOUS" everything is ... your life ... the husband you just deserted ... your child just you visited in prison ... the taxes you owe ... wondering how you're going to pay for this trip because you've been ticketed three times already and have two scheduled appearances in Tybee Court ... yours is one of several thousand homes on the island for sale ... or you went to the Methodist Church and your car is surrounded by "crime scene" tape because you're a person of color and the Tybee Island Paramilitary Police are waiting with Tasers ...
The last thing you need to head is Shirley saying, "FABULOUS!"
(Thank you Sandy McCLoud).
I could go on but have a life to live, Paramilitary Police to avoid, bills to pay and see what Mack's daily special is at IGA.
Have a great weekend everybody!
(Thank you Doug Weathers)
And if you come to Tybee ... enjoy your time in Paradise!
(Thank you Don Henley).
