After a comedy of communication errors which were mostly my fault I am on a plane heading to Pittsburgh. I know, on a college football Saturday? When it is going to be 71 degrees on Tybee? When my family is gathering at my Mom’s house this weekend?
Yeah, I screwed up.
Probably because I was subconsciously trying to sabotage the trip I made arrangements to arrive the day before the meeting leave the day of it. Pretty clever how our brains can work! But the leadership of the International Street Medicine Institute all rearranged their schedules around mine so here I sit. Damn they are an accommodating group!
Last week a friend of mine told me how driven a person I’ve always been. “Your drive inspires others,” she said. “You stir things up.”
Looking back over a thirty one year career I suppose that she is right. For 8 years in Louisville, Kentucky and then 23 in Savannah, Georgia I was a very driven person. Because I was fortunate enough to be surrounded with other driven and talented people we accomplished some pretty remarkable things. More importantly we made a lot of people’s lives better.
Last January though it all came crumbling down and I lost my drive among many other things. While I thought I still had a great deal to give, I really didn’t. I was going through the motions and the results of that is never a good thing. I was no longer over-achieving. I was under-achieving in every aspect of my life.
So in the same way that I subconsciously tried to wreck this trip, I orchestrated myself out of Union Mission. Everyone congratulated me on my retirement. I was trying to save myself and survive! Retirement has become a joke.
I can see that now though I couldn’t then. It has taken this exile that I’ve been on to get to the place where I am regaining …me.
From June until now there have been a handful of constants. I’ve written every day looking inside of myself to see what is there. This reflection occurs after a set routine. I go to the Breakfast Club, I walk Goddess, I run, walk Goddess again as I cool down, water the flowers, hit my outdoor shower, then sit on my beloved back deck and write.
Then I share whatever it was that came out through the blogs, on Face Book, or through emails. And I’ve been taken aback at the response. Because I was sharing things that people think or feel but rarely say out loud a lot of people reacted; overwhelmingly positive though it drove members of the Union Mission Board nuts. But my gut told me that it was the thing to do, and according Scripture God speaks to us through our guts, so I listened and remained true. And am glad that I did.
I discovered who my friends are. And I discovered who they are not. It was pretty interesting on both sides of that ledger. In the public eye most everyone is your friend (though you have your enemies too). Stepping away from it taught me who really loves me. It is better knowing.
I’ve reconnected with the beauty of the earth, pausing now to celebrate the glory of creation, noticing things that I’d always rushed passed. Mussels form themselves into choirs and perform concerts at low tide! Who knew?
Now I do.
Other than that I’ve pretty much waited on things to come to me and I have marveled at what has and what hasn’t. I do not know how much longer I have to keep at it this way. In spite of the public’s conviction, I can’t retire. And I’d really prefer not to be a client of Union Mission (as I would likely orchestrate a resurrection and end up being in charge again!).
I’m just trying to live the gift of every moment. To appreciate it and hold it up to the light to see what it has for me. But as time passes I am noticing old habits creeping back in. I shake my leg as I think. I drum my fingers across the table with a thought is about to explode. I grow anxious.
“So great talking to you today and hearing that you are in a good place. You deserve the best of everything!” a friend told me yesterday.
I wonder what that means. Over the past few months, I am learning that I’ve had the best of everything.
