He prances to the Beloved Back Deck wearing a rainbow sweater that reads, "Don't be a square! Round fit holes better", looks at me in disgust, snarls at Goddess whose passed out at my feet and growls at Gypsy, the gender confused cat."HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!" the Cat Lady unfortunately screeches further infuriating Winston, the little gay dog, and he barks in his high pitch voice and I swear it sounds like "BITCH!"
The Cat Lady, wearing her dirty bathrobe and blue towel wrapped around her head, looks like Marge Simpson on Meth, stops sending a flurry of kitty hair falling into her yard like rain.
"Mike," she screeches, "did your dog just call me a bitch."
Suddenly interested, Goddess raises her head to see how I answer.
I shrug my shoulders.
Sometimes there's nothing to say.
Winston, the little gay dog, hikes his leg and pees in her direction.
The Cat Lady returns the gesture in kind.
Goddess, Gypsy and I all gag at the same time.
The problem is Winston, the little gay dog, feels SpongeBob SquarePants is selling out; fame has gone to the cartoon character's head and he's forsaking his natural, God-made self of being gay for continued movie success.
Last night Sarah came outside crying asking if I'd talk to Winston, the little gay dog. I never tell her no (she's from the North you know?) so I meander into our bedroom where he has a lava lamp, orange shag carpet, big screen television and mini-fridge full of frozen Daiquiris under our bed and ask him what's up.
He offers me a Daiquiri and I put down my glass of wine to take it.
"What's up buttercup?" I ask.
Sighing while blinking back tears, Winston, the little gay dog, explains, "SpongeBob SquarePants is gay."
"What?" I exclaim not caring at all.
"His best friend is a Patrick, a pink starfish, and his neighbor Squidward takes bubble baths, listens to classical music, and talks like Paul Lynde! SpongeBob and Patrick hold hands when The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy is on television."
"I LOVE PAUL LYNDE!" I shout.
Winston, the little gay dog, nods understandingly.
"Who didn't love Paul Lynde?" he agrees.
So Winston, the little gay dog, is staging a protest against the whole SpongeBob SquarePants movie being filmed on island.
"It's taken us too long to gain acceptance," the little gay dog explains changing into his nightgown and turning off the lava lamp.
Ours is a blended family.
But I didn't have the heart ... or the guts ... to tell Winston, the little gay dog, that his sisters ... all three of Sarah's girls ... are extras in the movie.
Sometimes there's nothing to say.
