The airplane leaves Ft. Lauderdale and climbs over the ocean. The beach that I laid on is below me. A large red tanker ship remains moored outside of the hotel that I was in. Four cruise ships are docked waiting to carry hundreds to the Bahamas or the Caribbean. The blue green water contrasts the purple blue clouds that the pilot takes us through. Bursting through them we are suddenly bathed in bright sunshine. The clouds now below are a vast sea of white puffiness.
I am ready to be home.
Since June I’ve been to St. Martin, Atlanta, New Orleans, L.A., St. Martin again and now Ft. Lauderdale. But mostly I’ve been on my beloved back deck, the Breakfast Club, the Bored meeting at Fannies-on-the-Beach, and Bernie’s for good live music. At home my geography is very small and I want to return to the solitude there.
I was explaining to my friends over the weekend how hard it has been to embrace this Sabbatical and not feel guilty. Our culture expects us to work, to produce and earn. It has been very hard sometimes to reflect, pray, and dream as the return on these activities come much slower and are not as tangible as a product or a paycheck.
And I had a heart that had been broken into a million pieces. It is hard work putting a heart back together again. It also takes a long time. I’m not done yet and my heart doesn’t quite look the same as it did before.
Nor does it work quite like it did. It is more guarded, much slower to open up and suspicious of attempts of others who want to get inside. It used to have the capacity to love hundreds at the same time but now that number can be counted easily.
“I can’t believe that you did something so bold and unexpected when you resigned,” wrote back in June. She is the President of a bank. “I want to do it too but am scared.”
I don’t recall being scared as much as being stunned. So much had happened in such a short period of time. And my thousand miles a minute career came to a sudden stop. Everything about the way that I lived my life changed in an instant.
Over the summer months I spent all of my time in shock at this changed universe. A handful of people sought me out. These are the ones who proved to be my friends. While the rest of the world waited on me to call or to see what I’m going to do next, the people who love me showed up. And they kept showing up giving me something to work with as I put my heart back together.
Over the fall I began to leave the Sabbatical on occasion revisiting the world. My skills and talents were reaffirmed and I learned that there are a great many people who have this belief in me. They are convinced that whatever it is that I do is going to be spectacular! It is affirming in a way but I’m still very much focused on the healing that is taking place inside of me.
As the New Year began I started looking into the future. I’ve been spending time dreaming again, picturing myself doing this or that. I’m looking forward more. There are those who I love and am quick to tell them so. Productivity began to creep back into my days.
But today I am ready for home; for the love that waits for me there; for walks with Goddess and talks with my friends. I want to laugh with my extended family at the Breakfast Club and at the Bored meeting. I want to wade in the surf of the sea and to pray on Shirley’s sad little holy dock. I want to watch the marsh be reborn.
Because these are the things that bring love back into a heart that is almost put back together again.
