"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink ..." sings the Major Prophet John Lennon and the song is ringing in my head.
I went to bed early but it ended up being restless when all was said and done. I'm one of those people who falls asleep hard and quick ... then a bit later my eyes pop open and I stare at the ceiling feeling what's beside ... even if there's nothing beside me.
Over the past couple of years I've spent more time alone than I ever have in my life. Hours upon hours of ... just me. My dog Goddess went through it too so I had her. This wall of trees in the back yard reminded me of a long dead friend and I talked to her more than I talked to anyone else.
Over time, I got used to it.
It was funny because I've lived this very public life. I was always in demand, in the news, selling books, giving speeches, traveling here and there, dealing with groupies, politicians and other devils incarnate ... being everything to everybody.
It caught up with me.
So the life I was living exploded and I was left with the dog and the house. It's better than a lot of people I've known. Then this tiny group appeared ... I can count them on my hands. They brought love back to me. And there is this one ... well, I love her so.
The last few weeks, and especially the last few days, have been this wonderful, glorious celebration of life now. It was peaceful, serene, comforting and filled with joy.
Without any warning ... it exploded. Suddenly everybody wanted everything again. I was to be here, do that, give of myself completely to one after another ... all seemingly at the same time. I laughed at myself because I wanted it to be Thanksgiving again. I don't remember the last time that I thought that.
The thing about losing so many things is you never ... ever ... forget what it feels like to lose. It makes you tired ... weary ... fatigue.You can lose houses, things, kids or love. You can lose yourself.
You can be surrounded with family, friends, everything you've every wanted to possess ... and then you're reminded of what it was like to lose it all ... and you shut down ... hard as you may try to fight it ... and you naturally lapse back into ... exhaustion.
I was tired when I woke up this morning ... I had things to do. People I was supposed to see. Places I was to be. It reminded me of who I used to be.
I didn't like it at all.
I did not want to get out of bed. Lying next to me was love. Love was tired too. But I made myself ... and I went to the place ... I saw the people ...and I did what I was supposed to do.
But I wasn't there.
I was back home in my sanctuary.
Longing for the one.
Pining ... I love that word. It is so southern. I pine for for you. Mother Maybelle Carter knocks John Lennon out of my head. Will the Circle be unbroken?
Hell no!
The pony tail holder is warped around my finger. I stare at it as I listen to the waves crash the shore. No longer tired, I am determined. In clarity, I know what I need ...
And I go back to bed.
