The eyes hearing this were doubtful.
"Everybody gets scared," I continued. "The thing is to embrace it. Dance with it."
"That will help?"
I took my time in answering, wanting to be completely understood. This is one of life's most important lessons. What do we do with our fears?
"I have no idea," I conclude, "but it sounds good."
It left me thinking though.
My Dad was always frightened of death. He had good reason, lying to join the Marines when he was sixteen, shipped to Korea, assigned to bring out the dead, captured by the enemy, shot in the mouth when he escaped and shipped home just after turning seventeen. He never wanted to go back.
Through the years, he didn't do well when sickness or death interfering with his life. I was run over by a car and could have been killed. My Mom was in a horrible wreck and almost died. My Grandfather's death. Dad would burst into tears and exclaim, "I just can't handle this!"
Sometimes we would drink beers together and talk about spiritual matters. He believed in God but wasn't too sure about heaven and hell. He was in and out of church throughout his life. He made certain that we were raised Christian but he struggled if things ever got too emotional.
It was funny then as he wrestled with his own death. He wasn't sure what he should do, sitting there in the hospital, but fear was gone. He wasn't scared any longer.
"What do you think I should do Mike?" he blurted out of the blue.
Surprised, I looked at David, then at Mom, before answering.
"I don't know Dad," I said as I sat in front of him, placing my hand on his knee. "About what?"
His hands were clasped and he was wringing them. His eyes never left them though he was looking at something much further away.
"I think I'm ready," he softly said.
None of us were prepared for that! The air was sucked out of the room. Mom let out a small gasp. He looked straight at me with the faraway green eyes, still wringing his hands.
"Hey Dad," I said rubbing his knee. "If you're ready, I'm OK with that."
David took my place and told Dad that if he was ready to be with Jesus then it was OK with him too.
And that was that! Dad dispensed with his greatest fear and orchestrated the most incredible death. Everyone who loved him had the chance to tell him and he responded in kind. The last words he every spoke were, "It was beautiful."He could have been talking about a lot of things but I think he was referring to his life. The good and bad, the wonderful parts and the scary times, the profane and the holy.
I suppose death is the scariest thing we'll face, either our own or someone else's. And of course, death can come in lots of different ways ... careers, marriages, comfort and security ... and they can will all pass away.
So whenever I'm scared I think about my Dad. He wasn't the most graceful man but his death was the most graceful I've ever witnessed. The thing he was most frightened of was the very thing he danced with at the end.
And my Dad could always dance.
So when I get scared, I do my best to dance with it.
