Sometimes you wonder how you got to where you are. The things that you’d planned didn’t quite work out like you thought they would. People who said that they would be there for you weren’t. Others promised to do things for you and didn’t. Still others proved to be just wanting things from you and taking without giving back. And sometimes you let yourself down too by not fulfilling your potential.
After my run I kick my shoes off and wade into the ocean; salty sweat dripping into the salty sea. Salt preserves things. It adds spice and flavor. It enriches. I baptize myself in holy ritual of preservation.
I’m still alive after multiple crucifixions. I have no idea how that happens. It must be God. Sure as hell wasn’t me.
A huge yellow sun bathes me in light. The sky is a brilliant deep blue. Diamonds dance on the water. Cargo ships are in the distance hauling for the other side of the world. There is no one else on the beach. In the midst of God’s grand Cathedral, I feel small.
“How did I get here?” I ask God out loud.
She chooses to not answer in kind. Rather God just lets the truth of things speak for itself. I am standing with my feet in the ocean on an island that I love surrounded by a small group of people who love me fiercely. I’m living life without a safety net! It fell apart a year or so ago.
As bad as the bad days have been (and they were horrible) the sun continued to rise, the ocean kissed the shore every morning, and the people who really love me did (though I’m still mystified at exactly who they are and who they’re not).
I have this habit of slapping the top of the water and splashing it in a particular direction. I’m pretty good at it and can make huge splashes or very tight, focused ones. Absentmindedly, I start slapping the water. A flock of pelicans fly in V formation overhead.
Yesterday was a day full of work at two different levels. Most of the daylight hours were spent figuring out how to make money in a way that is self-fulfilling, rewarding and honors God. Luckily I have these partners who lost their minds and decided to do this with me. So we spent the morning together in my kitchen working on things. Then in the afternoon one stayed and we kept working until the phone rang and it was time to work on personal things.
When the call came late afternoon, I stopped the professional work to commence on the personal. One of the things I’ve learned is how these can really get out of whack. The professional will take everything if you let it. It rapes and keeps raping until there’s nothing left to rape.
So when the call came I immediately withdrew to the Beloved Back Deck in the shade of Fran’s thousand shades of green and focused all of my energy on who I was talking to. Rebekah was still inside working and finally figured out that I’d clocked out for the day. She blew me a kiss and left. I waved and remained intent in the phone conversation.
When I hung up, I propped my feet on the railing and pondered things. We rush through daily interactions and meaningful conversations without giving them proper focus. A friend of mine prepares for conversations by making notes of things and feeling left from previous talks and prepares for the next interaction. I respect that.
My I-phone buzzes and it is a friend from Princeton, New Jersey. Ted is retired from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. I’d emailed him earlier asking for a favor. He wrote, “You’re not going to believe this but I was having lunch today at the Foundation and was asking about you. Then I get home and here you are! I’ll call soon.”
Hmmm … serendipity?
Then the night was filled with walks, talks, and digging through the events, false starts, stupid utterings and lucky breaks that got me to this moment.
I think about these things with my feet in the ocean, slapping the water, watching ships sail away.
While there is a lot that I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemies, everything that I’ve lived through has just been preparing me for this moment. I raise my hand out of the water and stand straight.
“OK God,” I say out loud. “I got it. It is what it is. Thanks.”
Then I turn and pick up my shoes from the sand and walk towards home to live this day … that gift from God to be lived.
