Micheal Elliott Revised not-so-standard version
- Abram saw God when he was 99 years old and it's a miracle in and of itself he could see anything. Making it even more miraculous is that he heard God too and there weren't even hearing aids in those days. Just for fun God says, "Walk this way ... you lead ..."
- If you don't fall down or walk into anything I promise you this ... I'll make sure you have a lot of kids."
- Of course Abram immediately fell down.
- "We're talking lots of kids," God continues while Abram lay in the dirt.
- "And I've never liked your name either. We're changing it to Abraham ... it sounds more fatherly. We're talking about you having a shit load of kids."
- "I'm making your loins machine gun powerful and not one bullet you shoot will be a blank. We're talking lots of kids."
- "And I promise to be there for them just like I'm here for you now."
- "You're going to need a really big place for all your kids so I'm giving you Canaan. It's very prime real estate. And I'm going to live there too."
- "What?" Abraham says so God repeats everything.
- Rolling Her eyes God says, "To make sure you don't forget, I want you to circumcise yourself. All your kids too. Well, not the girls but every single one of the boys."
- "So go circumcise yourself and that's your end of the bargain."
- "But wait until your sons are 8 days old before you do them. They'll scream like crazy. Oh yeah, if you have kids with Hookers or lose women ... Hell even if you adopt ... circumcise them too."
- "And that'll be the bond between us forever."
- "And if you don't circumcise one of them ... put him for adoption."
- "Oh yeah! We're going to change your wife's name too. Sarai should be called Sarah. It's just sexier."
- "And she's gonna receive those loaded bullets from your loins and pop those little blessings out!"
- Still laying on the ground from falling down, Abraham starts laughing. "I haven't gotten it up in years! And have you seen my wife? She's older than dirt."
- "Plus she's already got a kid. I gotta whack him too? His name's Ismael. You're going to look after him too, right?"
- And God said, "Listen you old fart! Your wife is getting ready to be knocked up and you're the man whose going to do it. And I want you to name him Isaac ... I like these naming opportunities. He's going to have lots of kids too."
- "Yeah, I hear you about Ismael. He can have lots of kids too. It'll be great!"
- "And Sarah's going to be knocked up with Isaac by this time next year."
- Then God left.
- Now Abraham had been having kids all along, just not with Sarah, who already had the one, Ismael, so they'd both been around the block. Abraham had obviously been with lots of Hookers because there were lots of boys running around. He whacked every single one.
- And at 99 years of age, he circumcised himself (which I just can't imagine!)
- Ismael was 13, much older than the 8 days God had instructed the old man to circumcise his sons at but ...
- Pissed off at how much it hurt, he grabs Ismael and whacks his pee pee next ... POST PUBERTY! (CAN YOU SAY "OOOOUUUUUCCCCHHHHH"?????")
- And Abraham was like Slingblade, whacking penises one after the other. It didn't matter who they were. (While this was going on , God was nowhere around).
If you don't believe it, read it for yourself in whichever version of the Bible you like best!
_________________________________
Interested in becoming a better writer. Start now by enrolling as part of a select group to work exclusively with me beginning in November 2013 at http://www.meellc.com/wordpress/writingworkshop/
