While I was in Puerto Rico my Mother broke into my house viciously attacking it with a mob, Windex, a washing machine and a hose. She also stole money from my secret stash treating herself to fabulous dinners with wine. She also kidnapped Goddess and gave her a bath.
THEN!!!! She has the audacity to tell me when I called her inquiring about the above mentioned offenses that Goddess is now to have a bath once a week, I shouldn't leave money just laying around, I should introduce myself to the washing machine, mob and Windex.
Can you believe this woman?
Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I know ... she's your Mother! You should listen to her.
Well my Mother will be the first to tell you that I have a long outstanding history of not listening to her. I have spent one entire decade of my life being grounded because this but then I finally escaped my household prison (with outside assistance from Gene Prevatt) and fled to another part of the state hiding out as a college student.
After five successful years as a college student some administrator discovered who I was and immediately kicked me out. (Though I did manage to steal a degree!)
Vowing that I would never be grounded again I needed a better hideout ... so I went to Seminary. The people there were always reading the Bible or preaching to one another so I lasted six years before they found me out. I'll never forget it.
I was blending in with the Chapel crowd (with a cold beer in a Communion Chalice) when the preacher (none other than the famous Bill Berry, winner of the Clyde T. Franciso Preaching Award, though he is not the former drummer for R.E.M.) pounded the pulpit with fiery condemnation.
"You got to reshape your lives! God is confronting you!! Some of you in this room," he bellowed with sweat pouring from his face, "know that you not not saved and spend your lives in dens of iniquity, prostituting yourself for Satan's delight and paving your expressway to hell!"
I thought to myself, "Damn! He's good. How does he know me?"
It was soon afterwards that some administrator discovered who I was and threw me out (this time I copped two degrees and fled the state).
With nowhere else to go, I returned and successfully stole Union Mission keeping it under wraps for 23 years. We hid under the cover of doing lots of good things for lots of people. I thought I was home free until I got a call from a Board Chair who was a pain the ass called me when I was hiding out in St. Martin from all of the good things that we were doing (I needed a vacation) so I no longer hide out with my dear friends the homeless, HIV infected, sick, wounded uninsured, prostituting, drug dealing friends.
Cast adrift with nowhere to hide ... I stayed home. Until people started breaking into my house cause they thought we should hang out together. So suddenly I find myself being part of a gang.
I wish I had discovered gangs earlier! They are lots of fun! Now I get in trouble with them and group activities are always the best.
NOW ... I figure my Mother is trying into the gang ... hence all of the violent assaults on my house, dog and general lifestyle.
But Mother dear ... I was reviewing all of the things you did to my house and ... you missed a spot.
You're not in yet.
